Tuesday, July 25, 2006

 

twist

Everything I said about ex-boyfriend in the last post is true. We're over. I'm fine that we're over. We're not even friends anymore, and while saying I'm fine with that might be an exaggeration, I accept it and know that it is how it has to be.

Why, then, does the fact that he's in love with someone else now make me feel like my stomach just dropped out of my body?

Am I just bitter that he found someone first? Do I really truly want him to not be happy? These thoughts make me feel like a terrible person. I think really, though, I just want him to miss me. I just want someone to miss me. Since I spend all this time missing people, who don't seem to give a thought to me at all. Which is dumb, because their way is so much smarter and happier than mine. I should be emulating them. Instead, the fact that they aren't like me makes me that much sadder.

So dumb.

Incidentally, and this part is just a bitter rant - the girl he is with is the girl he dumped me for who then dumped him. She apparently changed her mind and wanted him back, and now they are more together than they ever were before. How and why does that happen? And why does it never happen to me?

Sunday, July 23, 2006

 

time

It's definitely been a long time since I've written here. I think it is mostly because I have actually continued to keep my life free of the boy. No phone calls, no emails, haven't run into each other when we were out with friends even one time. And I worry that if I blog, I'll write about him; and if I write about him, I'll think about him; and if I think about him, I'll do something colossally stupid and call him or something.

Which is dumb, because I'm doing fine. I still miss him, but I can't even remember my last monster crying attack, which is really impressive.

On the topic of boys, I did talk to ex-boyfriend a few times over the last few weeks, and all it did was prove that whatever was there between us is gone. And I don't just mean the attraction thing. We were good friends for so long. And we've even dated before and that survived. But now, maybe the break-up was bad enough, or maybe we've just changed so much, that the connection, the understanding between us is totally gone. I guess that causes me some measure of relief and some measure of sadness at the same time.

Other than that, life here in L.A. has mostly consisted of trying not to melt. I got home at 2 a.m. last night, and my air-conditioningless apartment was still a balmy 95 degrees. This heat wave shit has got to end.

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