Friday, June 23, 2006

 

gone

I finally just up and deleted my myspace account. Remove temptation, as much as I can, you know? You have to go through all these "are you sure??? are you REALLY REALLY sure???" type of steps, but I just had to do it. I don't want to care about anyone who doesn't care about me anymore. And it's such a hard thing to force... I don't even really know how to do it but I have to try.
Because today is another day where I'm crying at work at my desk because of stupid shit that people who clearly don't care much about me, if at all, are doing. And I have to at least try to find a way to break away from that. I'm just completely melting down. Maybe in an hour or a day, I'll regret doing it. Probably so. I've got to do something, though. I've got to try to make something happen, make myself turn some kind of corner with this shit. Because I've been treading water, and making no progress at all for way too long, and I just can't keep doing that.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

 

scatter

Too many of my friends are away right now. I guess it is actually only a couple, but they're like my top people. It's not even like I want to talk to them about the boy, because whatever, I get the point - as much of myself as I give him is as much as he'll punch up and leave all bruised and yucky. I'm giving smaller and smaller sections anyway. And... it's progress, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I just miss them. The good stuff. The stuff that distracts me from my less banner moments. Oh well.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

 

sick

I talked to the boy one time last week, and I felt fine about it, and I walked away from it, and was like totally okay. And then today, a full week later, it comes back and bites me in the ass, even though I haven't spoken to him since, haven't been trying to hang out with him or talk to him... he still has this way of making me feel like nothing. And as much as I try to be strong, it still knocks me completely off of my feet each and every time he does it. How the fuck does that even work?

How, when he's barely a part of my life at all, does he still have this power to completely overwhelm me with this like rage and sadness that pretty much nobody and nothing else can create in me?

It's like any contact with him, any thought of him at all, brings all the crazy back into my system. I feel like... completely electrified with upsetness and sadness and wanting to make someone feel bad like I do.

It's fucking amazing how, despite how little I've thought of him, how little I've talked to him or had to do with him in the last month, how much I don't even want him in my life any more, he still kind of fucking owns me.

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