Wednesday, June 14, 2006

 

maternal

Talked to my mom tonight for the first time since the fight with the boy, and my resolution to be a better stronger girl. She said that not talking to him seems to be driving me crazy, and that I should be sure that the solution isn't worse for me than the problem is. I don't know that many people, and almost certainly not many moms, would give that advice. I feel like most would be urging me on to stay the hell away from him. My mom's pretty unique like that.
It's just one more confusing influence, though, right? She's right, though, that I shouldn't get so caught up in doing the right thing, that I forget about everything else. I still think a life without the boy in it is probably what I need. At least until the day when him being callous or a bad friend doesn't cut me to the quick the way it does now. Or until the day when he can be a good friend.

Somehow, I don't think I should hold my breath waiting for either of those things, though.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

 

change

In the week since my awful conversation with the boy, I've been sleepless, morose, confused, angry, like eight billion zillion different bad things. I'm not coping amazingly well. But I've at least been able to control my urge to call him. In fact, I haven't even had that much of an urge to call him. It's like, it went so terribly, that even I'm not masochistic enough to want more of that. So, I guess that's been my one good point.

But he just called. I didn't answer. I know I shouldn't call back, but it's like the last ten minutes have been harder, in a way, than the entire previous week was. What the fuck. It's like, now that he's called, my skin has started crawling to talk to him. And I know that no satisfactions, conclusions or compromises can come from having a conversation with him. There's no point to it. I just want to, even though I know I don't want to.

Fuck it. And he probably thinks calling me was the nice thing to do. But it's like all the bad feelings I've had in the last week, I sort of haven't been missing him. And now I do. And it sucks.

Monday, June 12, 2006

 

eyes

I'm getting very sick of being an insomniac. My eyes hurt now, because they just want to be closed.

Roommate has decided to start seeing a psychiatrist. It could very well be good for her, but it makes me profoundly uncomfortable. Probably because I hear so much that I should do that, and I have no intention to. I just don't believe in it. So, hearing about it, having the effects of it in my home, is just something I'm not looking forward to.

I think I was a little snappish with her last night when she told me she was going. That wasn't very supportive of me, and I feel bad. I hope it helps her. I just don't want to hear about it or know it or to have think about it at all.

I just want to sleep.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

 

pride

Went to Gay Pride in West Hollywood last night. Even that couldn't really lift my mood. Which is saying something, since it is totally one of the most festive, happy events you could think of. Maybe I'm just permanently off at this point. Or maybe I'm right to feel this way. It's hard to say.

At least we got to see the Bangles play. It's impossible to keep from being at least a little excited for the Bangles. I think so anyway.

But, generally speaking, my spirits weren't lifted. I remember last year, we were like dancing out of there, all happy. It bums me out a bit that even the good stuff doesn't really provide the temporary fix that it used to.

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