Friday, June 09, 2006

 

nap

My stressed-out, overly emotional whatever you want to call it self is really messing up my life at this point. I did not sleep last night, because I couldn't get my mind to stop running. I don't mean I slept poorly or sporatically or even for a few minutes. I literally could barely even get myself to lie down last night, and didn't get a single second of actual sleep.

I've now been up for close to 28 hours at this point, and I still have a whole lot of workday to get through. I'm scared about attempting to drive home when I'm nearing the 36 hour mark. I guess life is sort of all about risks sometimes, right? I'm drinking coffee with extra caffeine from Coffee Bean, hoping it will get me through the day. Just crossing my fingers no important projects cross my desk, since the sleeplessness makes me even more useless than I've been the past couple of days.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

 

baby

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my sister's four kids on this blog, at least a couple of times. They range in age from 10 to 4 months, and they are all total hellcats and totally awesome.

Well, I have a special fondness for the 2 year old, Hopie, since she's such an unapologetic badass. And the last few times I've talked to my mom, she's told me that Hopie's been chatty about me, "Auntie Heidi's on airplane" or "Heidi's cold - put on a sweater", and so forth and so on. And it feels good that she remembers me, a whole month since I've seen her, but it also makes it hard to be away.

And today, I just feel like there's so little for me in the life I've made for myself here in L.A. And my mom called to say that Hopie woke my sister up at 5:30 this morning with the phone, asking her to call me, because she wanted to talk to her Auntie Heidi. It makes me want to get on a plane there tonight and never come back to L.A.

And it's so dumb, because I know I'd have no more of a solid foundation in Massachusetts than I do here. Probably less - my family is seriously messed up. But, just thinking about these little children that I love and they love me - it seems like seeing them, just that, would maybe make my life feel like it means something. Like I have some real connection to anyone.

Then, I think about how pathetic it would be to run back to my family because I can't survive on my own anymore, because in a way, that's what it would be... but at least I'd have people that I love that want that love. I don't think I have any of that here. Maybe that is enough to make being pathetic worth it.

 

distract

Right in the middle of our marathon fight last night, when I was miserable and just trying not to cry and not to vomit, having to force the words out of my fricking throat, you know what the boy was doing? He was leaving cutesy messages on his girlfriend's myspace page. How funny is that?

I don't know that I need someone to talk about this with, because the thought of it basically makes me want to slam my head into a wall. And I don't know that talking would improve the situation any.

But I do wish I had people to talk to at all - to distract myself, to try to pretend to be happy about something, whatever the fuck... but instead I feel all deserted and alone. I'm not sure if it's a real thing, or just something that is going on in my head. Maybe both.

Oh, and the damned conversation put me over my cell phone minutes for the month, so I'm literally going to end up paying for it. That's so damned typical.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

 

waste

Fought with the boy for nearly three hours. Didn't get anywhere. We can't agree on what's wrong, whether there's anything wrong, what friendship should be, or even whether we should be friends. It was nauseating and mindnumbing and hurtful. And I still didn't end things in no uncertain terms. What the fuck is wrong with me? I even feel like part of him wants me to do it, just so he won't be the bad guy, even though he says he doesn't think there is anything wrong, besides my unhappiness.

Besides which, isn't my unhappiness a pretty fucking big deal? In a relationship between two people, one unhappy person is a major problem. But he just lets me get upset and sad and angry and whatever else, and just takes it, and if he was sad back or angry back, it'd be so much easier to just get the energy to say what I need to say, which is that this just doesn't work anymore. But it's just like he's like a wall. And I end up running of energy just trying to get him to engage, and then I can't do it anymore. I ended up hanging up the phone with a whimper.

It's just so typical of our relationship over these last years that I can't even get a good goodbye. Like, THAT is definitely not too much to ask. Why can't I at least have that. What the fuck? My heart hurts. And I'm crying over him again, goddamnit. Why can't I stop doing that?

Monday, June 05, 2006

 

yuck

Been sitting in the nightmarish heat of my apartment all night. I really do think it wreaks havoc with my emotions. Crying at tv again. I just got a text from the boy, asking if I want to talk. I don't know how to respond. I feel nauseous. I'd like to say it's just because of the heat, but I somehow doubt it.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

 

bleak

I'm in a very "everything is going wrong" kind of mood today. And granted, moreorless everything is going wrong. But the mood kind of makes it even worse. It makes it that much harder to control my more self-destructive impulses. I'm just having the hardest time keeping my head clear and focused on what is best for me.

It's officially been a week since I've talked to the boy. You'd think the first week would be the hardest, but instead I feel like it is just starting to get really hard now. Each day makes it tougher not to pick up the phone, not easier. I guess I can only hope there is a peak with this sort of thing, and then it will start moving in the other direction.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

 

heat

It's like a thousand degrees in Los Angeles this weekend. I couldn't get to sleep until like 4 in the morning, because it was just too damned hot. Now, I just woke up and I'm already burning up. It is no fun. I suffered through it all day yesterday. I need to figure out some way to get myself emerged in cool refreshing air-conditioning all day, or I think I may die. I wish I had a pool. At this point, I'd say screw my budget for a pool, if it could magically appear in a day. Of course, I don't even have a yard, so that could be a problem.

The heat is also making everyone seriously irritable. Even more so than usual.

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