Friday, June 02, 2006

Ummm.... so the conversation I had with Alex yesterday was over IM anyway, so I don't know why I said it was hard to hear those things spoken aloud, when nobody spoke them aloud. It was probably my conscience chanting it over and over in my head. Or something like that.

Oh well, at least it is the weekend.

Thursday, June 01, 2006



Watching the National Spelling Bee on television which, first of all, makes me a big nerd. What a stupid thing to watch on tv. But, also, really digs right in and takes hold of my masochistic side. Watching these poor little kids get paraded out, all stressed out and nervous and forced to perform. Some of the little things look like they are gonna start peeing in their pants. It's horrible. So, of course, I can't bring myself to turn it off.

Earlier today, Alex said I seem like I'm angry and resentful of people a lot, and that it can't be good for me. I guess that's probably true, but hearing it really bummed me out. I guess hearing things about yourself that aren't very pleasant spoken aloud has that effect on people a lot, though. Plus, ex-boyfriend made me sad, is it really so wrong that I'm revelling in his sadness just for a day? Besides, he's really resilient - way more than I am.
At least I'm not picking up the phone and saying, "Hey, heard you got dumped... was something missing in her heart when she was with you?... 'cause I hear that hurts like a BITCH", which is sort of what my instinct is.

I guess I'd rather think about the poor kids doing the spelling bee than think about that, though.



Apparently ex-boyfriend got dumped. He left a comment on a friend's myspace page referring to himself as dumped.

So yeah, it's wrong and evil and horrible how happy that makes me. Like I'm frightened by my own mean-spiritedness here. Because that... makes me really happy. I think if I were to look in a mirror right now, I'd totally have a glow.

What a fucking bitch.



My email has been down all day, and it is seriously putting me into a semi-psychotic state, not that I didn't verge on one beforehand. In all likelihood, I don't even have any emails, but the not knowing is killing me. It's really weird, and more than a little frightening, how dependent I am on AOL.

It's making so very hard to get any work done. How can I be expected to be productive when I don't know if any of my friends have emailed, goddamnit??

Wednesday, May 31, 2006



I'm in a very "beat up the world" mood again today. I guess it is one way to deal with my emotional upset. I'm trying to employ my destructive urges in ways that are actually productive, like at work and such, but mostly I just want to pummel someone. I feel like that might make me feel better. I don't know who I'd get to volunteer for that, though.

Monday, May 29, 2006



All right, so I've now cried at three different television shows today. That's bad enough.

Two of them were repeats of shows that I have already seen before.

Seriously, I don't know if I could be more whacked out. I try to face reality, and it makes me so monumentally sad, I feel like I can't function. And then I want to be saved from my sadness, and sort of from the reality, too, which would undo the good I'm trying to do for myself by facing the truth. Vicious vicious cycle.



I started the day today crying. I'm ending it with a pounding headache. I didn't do much in between besides sulk, watch tv, and nap. I didn't even manage to leave the house.

I sort of don't even feel up to talking about it. Partly for the symbol reason that talking about it means trying to deal with it, and I'm not sure I'm up for that yet. And also because even though I don't know what I want to feel better, I don't really feel like I trust my friends to give it to me. I don't know if that's a negative statement about me or them or both, there.



Hung out with the boy tonight. It was terrible. Like, just awful. I don't think we're even friends anymore, but somehow, neither of us can admit it. The first half of the night was quietly uncomfortable, leading to a middle section of me silently seething, with the last part just being us yelling at each other about a million different things - mostly me calling him heartless and him calling me crazy.

How are so many of the people I thought were my closest friends not my friends anymore?

My relationship with the boy was always volatile - we've had a thousand late night fights. But, like I said to him, it's like there's nothing even worth fighting over at this point, because there's no good part. Our friendship just doesn't work. I don't even know what to do with that. He's meant more to me than just about anyone for the last several years of my life, and it's like the last shreds of that connection are giving way.

I feel like total sludge.

Oh, and he finally told me he has a girlfriend, which was bound to happen sooner or later. Of course, he yelled it at me in the middle of the fight, which seems fitting.

Sunday, May 28, 2006



Since my accident, I know I've been a far more nervous and worse driver. Last night, two of my friends and I went out to Pasadena, which is about 40 minutes away. Somehow, even though I've talked to both of them several times about how much I hate driving these days, I ended up behind the wheel. I know they listen to me, and I know they know how I feel about driving. I think it is probably just easy to disregard or forgot about that stuff when it might effect you directly. And they probably just didn't want to drive. I know I can't never be the one to drive the group again, so I can deal with that.

Or maybe I can't. Because both ways, by the time we were getting close to Pasadena, and then by the time we were getting close to home, I was so wracked with stress about driving, that I felt like a hole was burning in my stomach. It's really bad. Almost a whole month after the accident, I still don't know that I feel any calmer or more settled about driving at all. And if, god help them, one of my friends tried to comment, criticize or make a suggestion about my driving, I would either snap at them or give them an icy glare. Because I couldn't help but resent them for making me be the one to drive. As soon as the car was parked and I was home again, I could see how unreasonable that was, but my panic made me mean.

Driving-phobic is a very inconvenient thing to be, especially in L.A.

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