Friday, May 26, 2006

 

drag

Was out too late last night, and now today I am a zombie. Well worth it, but it is making doing my work especially difficult. Zombies make a lot of typos and can't seem to remember what they were doing from one second to the next, you know?

I need to find some secret reserve of energy before tonight, though, since I have no time for napping. And I think tonight's plans are supposed to include a little bit of painting the town, which requires some get-up-and-go that I'm currently lacking.

Perhaps somehow my boss will not mind if I nap at work. I deserve some rest - it's been a stressful week.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

 

think

Roommate is having a very bad couple of days, which is forcing me into the position of supportive friend. Forcing is probably not really the right word, even though "supportive friend" isn't a role she herself excels in so much. But, her plight is real enough and bad enough that I'm trying to put aside our myriad problems with each other at the moment and help her through it. I don't really feel like I can help it. But, because of that, I have no right to resent her for the fact that she wouldn't do the same for me, since it's my choice.

I had a hugeass fight with the boy last night. Some things never change, I guess. He doesn't try to interact with me - he doesn't want to deal with things. He just continually fucks up, and then tries to placate me. And it doesn't work anymore. It did, for a long time, longer than it should have, but I see through it now, and I think it's bullshit and I told him so. It wasn't very pretty.

But I'm busy with my friends for the next few days, so hopefully that will be good stuff. I'm seeing Alex for the first time in like a thousand years (or a couple months - whatever) tonight, and he's pretty great for fun and not letting me be a gloomy gus loser. And Tomorrow's Mack night, which I do a lot, but never fails to be good for my mental and emotional state.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

 

rewind

I've been doing okay for a long time about the ex-boyfriend breakup. I did call him a few times when all the car shit was going down, but I recognize that to get him out of my system for good, he needs to be out of my life for good. Whether or not that is fair or justified, it is the best thing for me, and that is what matters. And I've been doing really well. I hardly ever have to fight the urge to call him or email him to find out how he is doing. And mostly, when he does cross my mind, it is just me feeling proud that I'm doing so well without him. Because whether or not he was some great love for me, he was a big part of my life, and a huge part of my support system. And a lot of shit has been going wrong, so I've been feeling that lack in the system hugely. So I think I'm right to feel proud of the fact that I'm standing on my own two feet.
Anyway, all this preamble is to get to the fact that he invaded my dreams last night, which was pretty upsetting. I dreamed that he and I were hanging out for the first time, post-break up. And it was horrible. And he was sad and I was sad that we aren't friends anymore, and there was nothing to say. It was so terrible that after a few minutes, he just took off and left me alone.
For some reason, that dream really got me. I guess because I really feel like it represents the truth - that his part in my life, which has lasted so very long, is actually over now. I have enough real life shit going on that I shouldn't let my dreams knock me down this much.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

 

quiver

I did my horrible, no-fun job. She looked at me like I was a monster, and started sobbing.

I'm officially a bad guy now. Fan-fucking-tastic.

 

flame

I have to fire someone today. All by myself. With no backup or boss to point at and blame. I feel so nauseous. This is not a task that I'm equipped for. I thought it was going to happen tomorrow, but since the person in question still hasn't gotten paid for her last pay period and is coming in to get cash this afternoon, I'll have to do it then.

She's dirt poor and needs this job. Of course, she's also a completely unreliable employee doing a job that pretty much consists of sitting around doing nothing. My boss is making the right call. Of course, he's also a chicken who is making me be the bad guy. How did I ever get to be the bad guy?

I'm so keyed up and full of negative energy that I sent a profanity-laden email to the boy about what a shitty friend he is. This is the kind of thing I do. When everything's fucked up, I fuck it up a little more.

Monday, May 22, 2006

 

double

I'm pretty sure that not one, but TWO people quit my work today. We're such an impressive organization. This place is seriously circling the bottom of the toilet bowl. Goddamn.

All this stuff is annoying enough, but I really need the people the company owes money to to stop calling me. My boss ain't gonna pay them, no matter how much they yell at me.

Seriously, every damned thing has to be so fucking hard. I'm ready for vacation.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

 

back

Went out to see Mission Impossible 3 tonight, which was okay dumb fun, though I would have liked it better if it ended with Philip Seymour Hoffman getting away and winning over stupid Tom Cruise. That's probably just me, though.

So, the boy finally called tonight. And I didn't answer, and I haven't called back. But his calling finally brought me from the annoyed and frustrated state I've spent the last week in to actual real anger. Which kind of isn't a good thing. Because I was planning on just ignoring his call, when and if it ever actually came, and know I want to scream and yell at him and make him see what a shitty excuse for a friend he's been, which never works. But the urge is overpowering, and I don't know if I'll be able to resist it.

I am proud though, that I haven't cried once over what an ass he's been. That's real progress. I can think of a time when, if he had told me we could hang out on friday or saturday, then disappeared for a full week, and didn't call me until Sunday night, I would have been so off the wall out of my mind, I'd be in constant hysterics. I'm not like that at all. He's just so thoroughly disappointing.

So many people are so damned disappointing. I don't know how to get used to that. I don't know how I could ever feel like I should get used to that.

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