Friday, May 05, 2006



So now, on top of everything else, I have the dry heaves. And I'm not even sure if the causes are physical or emotional. And I'm still here at work. As much as I'd like to be home, I'm not looking forward to the drive, since I can barely hold my head up.

It is possible that my rage is getting increasingly irrational. I texted the boy to told him I give up on being his friend at all. I can see that maybe I'm being unreasonable, since it is no one person's responsibility to be there for me. It's just, when I have this group of friends I count on, and nobody can... it's like driving me insane. I feel like I'm completely alone, without a friend in the world, just when I need one the most.



So, my car is totalled, I'm still fighting off whatever horrible cold bug has infected me, and last night, my computer pretty much shit the bed. So, good things continue to happen for me. I seriously just don't know how much more I can take here.

I'm so stressed out. Again last night, I couldn't sleep even though I feel like crap and so so tired. And I love my friends, but I'm getting so sick of hearing "I wish I could help." I mean, no, they can't do this for me, and no, they don't have money or cars or computers to give me. But not one person has volunteered to go looking at cars with me (except for one friend who then told me he couldn't do it anytime soon - which doesn't help me much when every day I don't have a car is another day I'm paying for a rental). And after this horrible week from hell, you'd think that someone would want to hang out with me and try to cheer me up this weekend, but it's like everybody has headed for the hills.

Even my closest people, the ones I would normally count on seeing every week, are nowhere to be found. And I get that people are busy, but it's just like EVERYBODY is busy exactly when I need them. And I know I'm overly emotional from being sick and stressed out anyway, but it just makes me feel like I'm going to explode. Or dissolve into tears. I don't know which.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006



I pretty much feel too sore to move, breathe or live today, so of course, I totally came to work. Partly (mostly) I'm just a big wuss, but come on... who calls out the DAY AFTER THEY GET BACK FROM VACATION. It just seems like such a loser thing to do, even though I know I have a good reason.

I have to say, though, the combination of being super nervous about driving the day after my accident with my inability to turn my head and check my blind spot without pain made for a really interesting morning commute. It's like, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006



Got to make one of my friend Mack's worst nightmares come true today.

I was on the phone with him during my drive home from work. He heard the loud metallic bang of my car getting crashed into, then the phone went dead. He tried multiple times to call me, with no answer. He had no idea who to call or how to find out what was going on... He was in his car, on his way to go look for me (despite having no idea where I was) when he finally got ahold of me on the phone.

I didn't mean to send him into such a panic. I was hit very hard, and the phone flew out of my hand. Even though I wasn't really hurt, I was in a state of shock. I kept hearing the phone ring, but I didn't know where it was. I thought about trying to find it, but couldn't quite manage to make the effort.

Later, he talked to me about how he was picturing the worst - me hurt or dead, and him not knowing what was going on. It's weird how I could have made things all better for him just by answering the phone, but in that moment, I couldn't pull it off.

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