Saturday, April 22, 2006



Last night was a quiet night, and sort of a weird one. I was missing ex-boyfriend more than I have in a couple of weeks and thinking about good times we'd had together before he decided he didn't feel that way. I know a reasonable person would tell me it was general loneliness that led more to those thoughts and feelings, rather than some special thing that he and I had that merited the melancholy. And I'm sure they'd be right. I can even halfway believe it myself. But it never really feels that way at the time.

Then I went to bed, and dreamed of just about exactly what I had done that night, but with slightly different results. I watched the same movie that I had watched, but the ending was different. I played the same game, but won instead of lost. Had conversations with the same people, and even got phone calls I was waiting for that didn't actually come in the real night. It was a bit weird to dream so close so close to what's real, but not quite.

Friday, April 21, 2006



My boss has not paid our office rent in nearly two months. We've been bouncing checks to vendors, and have no pending sales. There's basically only one big check coming any time in the foreseeable future, and it's late in arriving.

I'm fully expecting to come in on Monday to find a padlock on the damned door. And right now, it feels super stressful. But I really don't want it darkening my entire weekend. I snuck out for an emergency cigarette, but I already feel it's calming effects fading.

As much as my boss sucks at running a company, I can't help but feel bad for him. This is my job, but it's his entire life that is like this. Yuck.

Monday, April 17, 2006



Someone broke into ex boyfriend's car and stole a whole shitload of expensive stuff. I found out about this on his blog, where I also found out that he considered the possibility that I might have done it. I'm sorry that such a crappy thing happened to him, that I'm hurt as hell that he thinks I could do such a thing.
Even if it just crossed his mind for a minute - that really stings. I've known him since I was fourteen freaking years old; you'd think he'd know me a teeny bit better than that.

And of course I can't say anything to defend myself or he'll know I was reading his blog, which I'm not really supposed to be doing.

Stalker - yes. Psycho vindictive thief - no.

Sunday, April 16, 2006



This weekend actually ended up going fairly well. My birthday party was last night, and my friends showed up and were all on their best behavior for me. It was really fun. It's nice when you have such high hopes for something, and it doesn't turn out to be a complete disaster. Ex boyfriend did not show up, not that I thought he would. I suppose even a phone call telling me to have fun would have been a bit much to ask for, but he could have texted or something. That shouldn't have put him out too much. Fortunately, I have friends to make up for his not being so awesome. Alex stayed super late, even though he had to drive up to his family's for Easter. And the boy apparently broke free from the girlfriend for a night, since he stayed until closing. So, that felt nice, like I matter to some people. Which I should feel all the time, but my perilously low self esteem gets in the way.

I did wake up at 4:30 to puke my guts out, but I guess everyone has to do that from time to time.

Easter today with the kids was good. I'm kind of in a post-birthday party funk, like I had so focused my attention on that night, that there's all this space for the negativity about other things to fill now that I'd been directly toward the party before. But my roommate and friend Eric were pretty cool about my mood, and managed to perk me up a little. And friend Eric's former paramour came and even brought me flowers for my birthday, which I thought was pretty damned sweet.

All in all, not a bad weekend at all. Now I just have to figure out something else to direct my energies toward, since I had a few alcohol enduced bitchy moments of coveting the boy Saturday night, and I'm not about to let that become the norm again. And I've thought about ex boyfriend more than I want to already.

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