Saturday, April 08, 2006



I survived my birthday, and the last few days, though there's been trouble with the family. I'ts hard when I know they are all going through a lot, but I am too. I'm making it, though.
I hung out with friends tonight, which was good for me, but it ended a little earlier than I would have hoped, and now I'm left looking at the clock, and knowing ex boyfriend's party is raging on. I was sure I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to show up just to see him, since he broke up with me over the phone and I haven't been able to see him. It would be some sort of closure, but of course it would also be a terrible idea. I can't wait for the time to be late enough that I can tell myself that it's too late to go, even if I want to. Relying on my own self-restraint is a fool's bet, of course.
Today, I looked on his myspace page and saw one of his friends encouraging him to fool around with hot girls to celebrate. That was pleasant. I'm sure that's what he is doing, too. Yuck.

Thursday, April 06, 2006



My birthday was okay for the most part. I spent most of the morning dealing with car trouble, then went to work and got a few presents from my co-workers. I got lots of birthday calls and emails from my friends, and went out to dinner with a few of the nearest and dearest. My roommate even baked me a cake, which was sweet of her.

What I didn't get was any word from my parents. Not even a phone call. Which is rough. I mean, my grammy's wake was today, so I sort of understand. I'm definitely not mad at them, and am mostly just concerned about them.

But, in a selfish way, it sort of stings, like this will always be the first birthday that I didn't even hear my mom and dad say happy birthday to me.

Sometimes I think I might be a spoiled brat baby.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006



Tomorrow is my birthday. Most of my family will be at my grandmother's wake. I didn't fly home for it, and I'm not sure if I should feel really guilty about that or not. My mom says no, and my whole family seems to be doing okay, but who the hell knows.

I got my stuff back from ex-boyfriend in the mail yesterday. He had included a scrawled note wishing me a happy early birthday. I don't know how I feel about that.

Then again, I guess I don't know how I feel about much.

Monday, April 03, 2006



My grandmother died this morning. I knew I'd be sad when I got the call, but I just totally lost it in a way I didn't expect. I think knowing someone is dying feels truer as a concept than it does an actual concrete reality, until it actually happens. Of course, I'm also on the other side of the country, so I haven't really been seeing it with my own eyes.
I know my friends care about me, but they also are gearing up for their big exam next week, so really none of them has the time to take care of me, so I've got to do it for myself. I would have thought that it least one of them would have asked me to do something tonight, to spend some time, but it turns out not so much. I understand, but it's still a little tough.
My roommate, of course, is in a league all her own. I had texted her on the way home from work, telling her what happened. What I walked in the door, she told me she was sorry and that she understood how I was feeling, since she was having a bad day herself - the library didn't have ANY of the books she wanted this morning. I don't think she even gets why that is an insensitive thing to say.
I also texted ex boyfriend - what, I'm an idiot - and he texted back to say I should call if I needed anything or to talk. Then when I did, he never called back. And that was about three hours ago. My support system is falling through a little bit these days.

Sunday, April 02, 2006



I got a call from my mom this afternoon, telling me that the doctors are giving my grandmother about 24 hours to live. She's been in a coma since Monday.
And I wish I could be with my family, but I live on the other side of the country. And I'm a mess and I'm upset and what I want most of all is for ex boyfriend to take care of me. I'm not even sure why that is so what I want. Maybe because he is from that part of my life. Maybe because I'm used to being able to count on him like that.
I was talking to a friend, and told them that I really felt like I needed to call ex boyfriend. They asked if I really thought it would help, then asked if I thought he would even answer. I hadn't even thought of it. We're still in teh can't call each other part of the breakup. But this isn't even about that, and I really need him.
My friend suggested I text him so he'd know what it was about, and that it is really important that he call me back. Sound advice. So I did. And he still didn't call me back. How hurtful is that? I feel like I'm going to puke.

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