Saturday, April 01, 2006



I sent the ex boyfriend a birthday present. That was dumb. And I knew it was dumb. And everyone I know told me it was dumb. But I did it anyway.
And while I was online, doing the present choosing and sending, I thought I was doing it because I wanted to show him how awesome I am. Like he dumps me, and I still give him a present. Because it would make him see my awesomeness and either make him miss me or feel like an ass, which are the best options I've got available to me right now, anyway.
But after it was done, and I had pressed send, and charged the present to my credit card, I realized that I wasn't exactly being honest with myself about my motives. See, the thing is, my birthday is two days before his. And I feel relatively certain that he's not going to be sending me anything for mine. So, as much as the gesture might cause a ping of pain in him, it's gonna hurt a lot more when I go through my own birthday ignored by him. And I think some part of me wants that, right? Because if he's not done hurting me, then he's not done with me, in some weird way. Even though it is all of my own creation.
I'm sneakily scarily good at coming up with ways to make my damned self miserable, I think.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006



I'm starting to come down a little from the new breakup with ex boyfriend (either our third or fourth, depending on what you think counts as a break-up. I'm still hurting, and still a whole lot of sad, but at least my days are peppered with crying jags, instead of solely consisting of them. I'm feeling more able to function, which is good.
My biggest problem about it now is this nagging hope that he's going to decide he's made a mistake. Boys don't really do that. Sometimes people on TV do, but that is of course a giant lie. I just keep, not exactly expecting, but this foolishly optimistic hoping that the phone will ring, and it'll be him, taking it back.
Not helping my attempts to stay calm and okay is my roommate who has more or less constantly been talking to me about every high and low she's having with her current boy. And it's like, it's not that I don't care, but doesn't she have ANYONE else she can talk about this stuff with?? Because right now, I want to tell her that every little bad sign probably does mean the end, and that I do think he'll break her heart, and that it probably won't work out well in the end, and she'll be sorry she got involved with him at all. Because that's where I'm at, and I somehow doubt that is what she's looking to hear.

Monday, March 27, 2006



I'm at work today. First day attempting to be out of bed and not sobbing all day since the revelation with ex boyfriend. My head is not here. I feel like I should not be here, like I can't function right. Like if someone so much as touched me with a single finger, I would just fall right over, because I can't hold myself up.

I don't deal with rejection so well. And usually I'm expecting it. So when it comes up like this, when I didn't even see it coming. I just don't know when I'm going to be able to stand up again.

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