Saturday, February 25, 2006

 

stuff

Reasons I am afraid this weekend is not going well for my "not fucking up" resolve:

1. Ex boyfriend has a friend in town, so I can't see him and remind myself of how good and fun things are with him.

2. The boy has been calling and pulling me closer, then pushing me away again in that style at which he excels so. He called and basically begged me to come to this party tonight, then when I said I might, told me he's leaving early so he can hang out with his cooler people (and almost certainly his girl).

3. The lateness of my period is really starting to become alarming. I've been trying not to think about it, since I've never exactly been the kind of girl who can set her clock by her "monthly", but this is starting to get ridiculous. It feels so stupid and unnecessary to go do the pregnancy test thing - god, I haven't done that since undergrad - but it's getting close to the point where I might just fucking do it.

Friday, February 24, 2006

 

missing

So, I haven't been blogging lately. There are basically a bunch of reasons for this that are all the same reason - I don't want to fuck up.
Because if I blog, I feel like it is going to be largely about the boy. And, while that is somewhat therapeutic, it also keeps me thinking about him.
And he's seeing somebody else now. I've really cut down on my "stalking", I don't call him very much. I guess it is the point where I'm really supposed to be trying to get him out of my mind all together.
Also, I've sort of begun dating ex-boyfriend in earnest. It feels unfair to him to be keeping a blog where I am all angsty and sad about another boy's unwillingness to love me. And if he ever accidentally found the blog (I'm careful not to use too many names, but still....) I'd be seriously bumming. Because he is a good guy, a sweet guy, and I shouldn't screw it up.
The flipside is that I like to blog. It helps me clear my head and it's just sort of fun. So... I'm not really sure where that leaves me.

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