Thursday, February 16, 2006



Had a very low-key unproductive evening. It was another nightmare of a day at the workplace, so I guess I needed the downtime.
I did spend a significant portion of the evening on the phone with ex boyfriend. I am almost feeling like I need to figure out what is going on there, which is sort of a dangerous feeling to have. I don't want to get too attached.
And, he's definitely helping me not obsess over the boy. Not just that, I really like being with him on its own terms as well. But that's all the more reason I have to watch out and make sure I don't start needing him.
I've been dependent on another person for my happy and sad, for everything, for too long already now. It's important that I get okay on my own. Which is sort of hard to do.



So, I've been pretty consistently nauseous for the last sixteen hours or so. I'm not sure if it is stress or what. Went out to a fancy dinner with a friend last night, then ended up throwing it all back up in his bathroom. So, I guess that was $100 wasted.

Work is a zoo today. I want to go home and rest. And I'm supposed to go out to lunch with a co-worker. Hope I don't toss cookies once again.



I really want to kill my boss. I think it'd improve my life all around in lots of little ways.

Today is a rage day. Today I have rage.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006



So, I was having a nice Valentine's Day with the ex boyfriend. It was around 12:30, and we were just getting back to his place. He noted how late it was for me to be out on a work night, and I told him I could make an exception, since it was special occasion and all. As we are heading up the stairs to his apartment, I realize that my purse feels a little light. Because my wallet is not in it.
I mention it to him, and tell him not to worry, that I'll worry about it the next day, since it is late, and we are tired, and there's nothing I could do about it right then anyway.
No dice. He says we have to go back up to the valley and re-trace all of our steps and see if we can find it. He also starts calling the movie theatre, which is now of course closed. Ex boyfriend is in superhero mode, though, and he keeps calling numbers for the theatre until he finds a person, and has them go up and check the theatre for my wallet.

Which they totally find, so the story has a happy ending. We didn't get back home until about 2, and I get up at 6 for work. But obviously, we still had to get it on, so I could thank him for being my hero and all.

So, it wasn't a perfect night, but it was okay. I'm just completely exhausted today.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006



The plan is to not think about the boy tonight. Ex boyfriend is being awfully sweet. I want to have a good time with him, and not be dwelling on what the boy is doing. That should be manageable, right?

Maybe I'll get there, and it'll be so good, it won't even take effort not to think about the boy. That is something that could conceivably happen, isn't it?

I really hope so. I don't want to fuck up what is going well because of what's not. But it does sound like something I'd do.



So, I've been pretty excited about tonight. Not like grossly mushy or buying into the stupid holiday, but I thought it would be fun at least.

Then, I got myself on to the damned internet again. And I found a boatload of pictures of recent parties and whatnot.

And I found a picture of the boy sitting, arm in arm, looking all lovey into the eyes of one of the eastside girls. And it is all I can do not to just lose it crying.

I'm sure I will make for a wonderful date for the ex boyfriend tonight. I'll just spend the night crying over another boy. That's romantic, right?

Monday, February 13, 2006



I went and got my taxes done today, so that is one less annoying thing I have to deal with. There are about a million of those nagging little things that I can't get off my to-do list at work, so it is nice to get one of the ones in my personal life out of the way.

After that, I was just exhausted, so I've basically done nothing all evening. I think I'm still trying to catch up after the weekend. Ex boyfriend called, but we only talked for a few minutes. Other than that, the phone hasn't even been ringing.

I think my roommate is mad at me for going out with ex boyfriend on Valentine's Day. It's just, once again, her being unable see anyone's position but her own. If she were still with her boy, there's no way she's pass up the chance to be with him to stay with me. On any day. Never mind the fake and commercial holiday that is supposed to be celebrating mushy lovey-doviness. So whatever.



My ex boyfriend asked me to be his valentine.

And suddenly, I'm like friggin' Ralph Wiggum, going, "You choo-choo choose me???!!" all blushing and stuff.

Seriously, how can I be who I am and still be a twelve year old girl who doesn't think anyone would ever like her on the inside?

Sunday, February 12, 2006



One highlight of the weekend, and this should show that I'm not so impossible to please, was when my ex boyfriend ran into a gas station for a cup of coffee and came out with a little gift for me.

It's a lighter in the shape of a pig. Flames shoot out of his little pig nose. So stupid and cheesy - it probably cost a dollar, but it makes me so happy that he didn't have to do or get anything for me, and he wanted to.

Nothing may end up rekindling with the ex; it's all still pretty up in the air. But he still wanted to do something nice for me.

And the boy never even gave me a christmas present. Things like this, I've got to keep in my head.



Just got back from a weekend in Santa Barbara for the film festival with the ex boyfriend. It was outrageously wonderfully fun, even though we saw a lot of movies that sucked really really bad. Oh, and it is a bit weird to have tons of sex with someone all weekend long, and hold their hand and walk on the beach and shit, and then have them talk about the girl they think is cute at their office on the way home. I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. I mean, obviously, I've got no right to be upset at him for looking at other girls, though.

Oh well, I'm going to look at the good (I saw Philip Seymour Hoffman... I mean, was actually in the same room with him!!! Squee!) instead of the bad. For as long as I can keep that up, anyway.

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