Saturday, February 04, 2006



Usually I'd be super depressed about spending a Saturday night at home alone, but tonight I passed on a party that my roommate was heading out to. I don't know who is throwing it, but I do know that the boy will be there, and that is just not something I am up to dealing with right now.
Ex-boyfriend is out a party as well. So, I'm really just on my own and being chill. And it's seriously okay. I think I need this time to get my head straight anyway.



So, here's the thing... I was talking to Alex about what has been going on with the boy, and he asked if this was it, then. I answered that since the boy wasn't about to come crawling back to me, all it was going to take was me staying strong and not calling, and that yes, it would be.
Which was apparently incorrect, since the boy just called and spent an hour and a half fighting, apologizing, making excuses and yelling at me for threatening to give up on our friendship. He simultaneously says he is sorry for hurting my feelings, and that I have no reason to have my feelings hurt, that he has done nothing to indicate that he doesn't want to be in my life, and that I'm asking him for slavish devotion. I mean, he sees that it as hopeless as I do, but when I try to cut the cord, that I need to cut, he gets really upset. At the same time, he is unwilling to offer to amend his behavior in any way.
I asked him why he has to make it so hard for me to give up, when it is clearly what I need to be doing. And he asked if I would rather I just say, "Great. Give up. Goodbye." He reminded me that a movie I want to see is coming out next weekend, and said, "see, I've been thinking about you."
It's just like, fuck, why does he have to confuse me? I don't know what to do. I really don't.
He told me he wants to have dinner sometime this week, and to go out next weekend. And, how much of that is just reaction to knowing he's at the brink? It's just so tough. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.



I'm so tired. I basically can't do anything or function or really think. It's probably helpful in keeping me from doing something stupid, though, so I should think of it as a good thing, probably.

Also, it's tired from excessive sex, not tired from extreme depression, so that's a positive as well. Ex-boyfriend and I got dressed up and went to a fancy dinner last night. Then I spent the night at his house. All this, I'm good with. He called it a "date" though. I refuse to even let myself start thinking about what that might mean.

Probably, I don't need to think about it much to know that it means trouble, actually.



I haven't heard back from the boy. And I didn't really expect to. I mean, what can he say back to "I can't deal with you. Goodbye." Though expected and right, maintaining the lack of contact is difficult. Doing the right thing usually is hard, though, right?

Apparently, even though he didn't respond to me, he did feel the need to bring up the matter with my roommate. He told her he "thought he was being good" to me. According to my roommate, she told him he fucked up, and that he deserved my attitude. But who knows, right?

...who cares, right??? That's the mantra, anyway.

Friday, February 03, 2006



My niece, Hope, who is almost two, refers to herself in the third person as "Happy." I think this is just about the most awesome thing ever.

Also, last night, at the end of my rope, I wrote to the boy and told him I just can't take his shit anymore, that even trying to play by his rules, I still end up getting stomped on, and that I just can't take it anymore. I give up. I just can't deal with it anymore. That does not make me so happy, so I'm trying to think less about that, and more about Hopie.



The boy called me yesterday afternooon. Said it had been a long time since we talked. He wanted to catch up. He missed me. He'd be around all afternoon.

So, stupidly, I called him back. He said he just happened to be busy right then, but I should call him in a couple hours, because he really did want to talk. I called back. He didn't answer. He didn't ever call me back, until late at night, when I was already in the movies, and he left a message saying that he'd have to call me some other day, since he was "out and about". Why bother calling at all, if you are going to say that.

Wow, he must have really really wanted to talk to me, huh? I can feel it. So stupid. For a minute, I thought he really missed me.

Well, I guess he's doing me a favor by reminding how much I can really hurt, so when I think I'm upset about other people and other things, I can remember him, and know that whatever I'm going through at that moment is barely a blip on the pain radar in comparison.

Thursday, February 02, 2006



My sister just had her FOURTH baby. So, I'm an auntie again!

It only took two pushes to bring Calvin into the world. How unbelievable is that?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006



Had an argument with one of my coworkers, so had martinis after work with a friend. The way to solve life's problems is with alcohol, right?

Yeah, I know. Not so good. Par for the course, I suppose.



My co-workers are yelling at me for things that are beyond my control.

This makes me want to cry. I do the best I can, and it sucks as much to work here for me, as it does for them.

They shouldn't make it worse by being mean to me.



I am ridiculously hyper today. I can't sit still. I can't do work. I'm pretty sure I am driving everyone crazy.

I need to like run laps on my lunchbreak or something. It is weird the way stress and anxiety manifest themselves so differently from day-to-day.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006



Weird TV is on tonight, almost certainly because of the idiot president's speech earlier. Nobody's calling. Even the internet doesn't seem like as much fun as usual. It is one of those nights where I'll be lucky if I don't do any real damage.

And I did text ex boyfriend because he was taking too long to respond to my most recent email. But I don't think that is too bad. And I still am not talking to the boy. Granted, the counter on that got re-set when I talked to him on Saturday. But, I've got to be proud of what I do manage instead of beating myself up for what I can't. I think, anyway.

So, yeah, for a boring strange quiet night, I don't think I did anything too incredibly self-destructive. I think I should be proud.



I'm not usually a huge Todd Solondz fan. His movies are certainly clever and impressively dark, but they usually just make me feel dark. But, I'm watching Palindromes, and I find it really appealing. It's just as dark and out-there as the rest, but it is also sort of sickly charming.

Right now, though, it is sort of distracting me from my usual OCD activities of myspace checking and freaking out about my phone's lack of ringing. Well, not completely, but I'm at least doing it slightly less anyway.

Seriously, I need a hobby or something. Or maybe I need like twenty more boys to obsess over, so they'll always be at least one that is being okay. It's not really my style, but then, my style isn't getting me anywhere good, now, is it?



Philip Seymour Hoffman, my Hollywood Dream Boyfriend, was nominated for an Oscar today. That makes me happy, even as I melt down further about my own screwed up personal life.

I find this quite amusing. Plus, it says he will win.



I think, partly, the problem is that I'm just incapable of being casual about pretty much anything.

I get overly devoted - to boys, to my friends, even to my stupid job. I invest too much and too quickly.

Of course, this is my own damned fault, but it is so much easier to blame the external force.

Monday, January 30, 2006



So, I just spent two hours on the phone with my ex boyfriend. And I know he doesn't want to get back together with me, and I know I don't want to get back together with him. But I am seriously starting to confuse myself.

Why do I never act like a rational smart person and instead act on my instincts and impulses, which I know will lead me astray each and every time?

I've got to break away from him a little, or I am just going to end up confused and hurt, some more.



I'm definitely in full-on attack mode lately. I'm ready to jump on people for all their real or perceived wrongs.
Last week, a girl at work asked me if I wanted to go see Hostel. Now, she's not a person who goes to horror movies ever. And I said multiple times, that I didn't think she would like it. But she insisted that she really did want to see it, and we made plans to go tonight.
Today at work, she came up to me and said that she was told that Hostel was not a movie for her, and could we see something else. That's pretty normal. Not really strange or unreasonable at all. But for some reason, I felt like she never wanted to see Hostel at all, and it was just some plan to rope me into seeing some crappy bullshit movie I'd never want to see, like Big Momma's House or something. I ducked the conversation until later, because I knew I was gonna blow up for what was not a very good reason at all.
When I did talk to her, she asked if we could move it to a different day altogether, and I said fine, though I wasn't sure when. I need to like take eight thousand chill pills or something.



So, my horoscope, which usually seems content to just spit in my face and laugh at my misfortune, today says: It's not that you are throwing in the towel; it's just that you are beginning to look at your future in a different manner. It's certainly not going to be quite what you expected. Pay attention to how your view of the world is changing now, but don't try to put your thoughts into action until later in the week.

I take this to be encouraging that I am on the right track with shaking off the boy, even though, as Alex pointed out last night, I could be doing a lot better. Concrete action is hard. At least I am point myself into a better mindset.

Baby steps, and all that.



So, my work has been open for an hour, and my coworkers have decided not to do a single goddamned thing. And I know that isn't really my problem, though to some degree I manage them, so it is.

They are sitting in the goddamned conference room and like, just chatting. For an hour. It's ridiculous, and it is seriously pissing me off. Do your fucking jobs, people. I don't know why they all seem to think today is just some big day off or something.

Sunday, January 29, 2006



So, I went and did yoga tonight, which, for anyone who knows me, is about as unlike me as anything you could possibly think of. For the first ten minutes or so, I REALLY thought I was going to bust up laughing and be unceremoniously kicked out of the yoga place. But, actually, though it was pretty relaxing and cool, when it wasn't ridiculously difficult or unpleasant and painful. Mostly the relaxing and cool thing, though. Oh, but there was chanting. The chanting almost made me lose my shit.

I went with my friend Alex. He said it could be expanding my horizons and trying something new. All week, I've been totally scared to death and wondering why I ever agreed to go. But it really wasn't bad at all. I should know better than to think he would steer me wrong. He's one of those people you can count on, you know, so that the scary stuff (and anything remotely new is scary to me) isn't so bad.

So, yeah, I'm now a person who has been to yoga. Totally weird.



I was so upset after looking at the boy's Myspace, that all power literally just drained right out of my body, and I had to take a nap. I don't know what to make of that. Though I've never really been empowered by my rage or my hurt, I feel like thie way it completely renders me immediately unable to even stay conscious is a new twist.



Went onto the boy's Myspace page. I shouldn't have done that. Apparently, he was out all night with his eastsider friends, and several of the girls of the group decided to leave cutesy little messages, using what is apparently his new nickname within the group. And it makes me want to like bitchslap somebody. Preferably one of them, but since I don't actually, in the traditional sense, know them, that wouldn't really work.

How do I let my mind get fucked over so very easily? It's just a reminder that I've got to keep my distance and maintain my dedication to staying away from him.

Eventually, it has got to get to the point where I don't care, doesn't it?



I went to see Imagine Me & You tonight. I saw it with my friend Eric, who cries at anything that merits crying at. His eyes stayed dry. Mine most definitely did not. I haven't cried at a movie in a very long time.
It's a love story, in which a newly married woman falls in love with another woman, and has to decide whether she can live as a lesbian, and whether she can leave her husband. I think the reason it made me so very sad is pretty much an even 50-50 split between the fact that I would naturally identify with the poor husband, and the fact that the script doesn't dodge the issue of how much it hurts this guy that he's losing the person he loves.
It's just so me, that as the whole theatre is cheering the women's first kiss, I'm feeling like my heart is breaking for the guy who is about to have his world imploded.
So, yeah, I'm a big crybaby. But at least it wasn't about my own screwed up life, for a change.

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