Saturday, January 28, 2006

 

bright

Oh, so I should also mention, that my ex said that our sex was "completely crazy" and that he had "the most intense orgasm ever"... so I guess though my judgment may not be top-notch, my sex skills are still in good working order.

It is important to look on the bright side sometimes.

 

bang

Went out to dinner with the ex-boyfriend last night. Dinner was fine, until he really hurt my feelings. We had such a huge fight that we turned around halfway to the concert we were going to, because I was too upset to feel like going.

Still, I went back to his house, got high, and fucked him.

I think there is something to be said for this being illustrative of just what the hell is wrong with me.

On the other hand, I can't think of anything that would make me flash back to our relationship MORE than getting in huge fights and getting pissed off at him. So maybe somehow, in the back of my mind, that brought me back to the good old days.

Friday, January 27, 2006

 

song

The boy just called, and I didn't answer because I'm getting ready to go out. The sound of his ring, though, damn. It still pierces my armor. It's sort of silly. It's just a song, a stupid phone ringing, but it makes my heart drop. I wish that would fade away a little bit more. I guess maybe with a little more time, hopefully...

 

wait

Funny thing... I haven't actually seen my roommate since the drum incident. I haven't talked to the boy in a week. I haven't talked to Grandpa in even longer than that. It's even been a couple of days since I've talked to my Mom.

I feel like I'm out of touch with the world, except for the people I work with. I know I'm being overly sensitive, but it is really sort of getting me down.

Hopefully, the weekend will help to pick me up. Last weekend, I had a real breakdown sort of time. I don't want that to happen again.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

 

geek

I'm actually sort of addicted to Beauty and the Geek. I know, it is shameful, and I wouldn't choose to stay home and watch instead of going out and having fun. But, bad reality tv, once it gets its claws into me, pretty much never lets me go.

I was actually watching a DVD, this kind of weird Korean horror film called Nightamre, and SHUT IT OFF, so that I could watch Beauty and the Fricking Geek.

It's a little embarrassing. But, I guess if I didn't like these stupid shows, then sitting at home alone would be a lot more boring and depressing.

Still, these people are really vapid and/or pathetic. They probably don't deserve the attention of the millions of people who watch them on TV. It most likely just encourages them.

 

off

So, I had my like third headache in a week today. I really don't know what is up with that. I'm very sick of it. Yes, work is stressful, and yes, I'm having some problems with my roommate, but I feel like that's enough suffering, right? I mean, do these things really need to like team up and make me physically miserable as well? It's unpleasant.

I haven't spoken to the boy since the basketball game. That's just about a week. I guess I'm getting good at these long periods without interaction. Instead of making me feel good, though, I just feel sad about it. Am I really getting over him? That should be this great accomplishment. Instead, I think I resent that I don't have those big feelings in my life anymore, even if they were sort of crushing me.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

 

bang

My roommate got drums.

And set them up in our small apartment with very thin walls.

Without so much as a word to me about whether I was okay with that, or thought it was a good idea.

This is a disaster. But so very very par for the course, where she is concerned.

 

out

So, I was planning on another exciting night of lying in bed and doing nothing, but my friend called and asked me to come over and watch television. Even though I haven't got much energy or will to move or think or speak, I decided it would be a good idea to get out of the house. I think a few nights in a row of doing nothing make me feel like I could do nothing forever and be fine. But once I'm out of the house, and having fun, I don't want to go back to total inactivity. In a weird way, I think it is my mind trying to protect myself from feeling bored or lonely when I've got nothing going on. Of course, I then find a way to use it against myself, but becoming resistant to the chance to actually do things.

 

out

Having a total zombie day, which is a bit disconcerting at work. Hopefully I can make it through the rest of the day without passing out at my desk.

Also, I now have plans every night this weekend, none of which is with the boy. This feels like some sort of test, like how I will react if he calls and does want to hang out. Which is silly, because that will almost certainly not happen. I guess I wouldn't be me if I wasn't worried about something.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

 

pause

I know I need to find a new job, that my current one is really running off the rails at this point, and yet I can't seem to get off my ass and do it.
I don't know why. It is really ridiculous, this inability to get into gear. Because this company is seriously in a downward spiral, and if I don't do something, it is really going to fuck me over. I'm like this, though. Sometimes I know I need to make a change, or to take action, and the very knowledge that it is necessary feels like the thing that keeps me from doing it.
I'm just contrary, down in the heart of me. Even though I know it gets in the way sometimes, I can't help how I am.

 

pause

I know I need to find a new job, that my current one is really running off the rails at this point, and yet I can't seem to get off my ass and do it.
I don't know why. It is really ridiculous, this inability to get into gear. Because this company is seriously in a downward spiral, and if I don't do something, it is really going to fuck me over. I'm like this, though. Sometimes I know I need to make a change, or to take action, and the very knowledge that it is necessary feels like the thing that keeps me from doing it.
I'm just contrary, down in the heart of me. Even though I know it gets in the way sometimes, I can't help how I am.

Monday, January 23, 2006

 

music

There is apparently a music video shooting in the alley behind my house. Though the novelty of such a thing hasn't completely worn off, it is mostly just annoying. For one thing, getting in and out of my garage all day today has been a huge pain in the ass. This morning, a truck was parked directly against the garage door, so it would only raise about two feet. I had to crawl out and yell at the driver until he moved.
Now, I'm enjoying the blasting of the same damned song for about the 20th time in a row. This is really putting a cramp in the constantly half-asleep life I have chosen for myself. Grr...

 

tip

Yeah, I'm definitely not feeling so stable these days. And in a lot of ways, it doesn't even feel like it has anything to do with the boy, which I find a bit unsettling. I'm just so lacking energy, and so down all the time. It doesn't really seem to be coming from anywhere, but just to be how I am right now.
And the little bit of energy I do have is all really negative. Like I'll get overwhelmed with sadness or with energy, and I'll feel that kind of rush through me. But then it passes, and I'm just a total lump again.

 

reminder

Now I'm back at work, and the constant depressed narcolepsy of this weekend looks pretty good in retrospect. I've got a million things to do, and of course no help to do it. Don't they know I just want to lie in bed and be left alone?

Our accountant is making me conference call the IRS with him this afternoon. I yelled at him that I am just the assistant, and have no say in these things, but he says I have to anyway. Then, after I told him about twenty times that I can't authorize payments, he says, "well, you'll have to tell them whether or not you're going to pay it. You need to pay it." I don't need to do jack shit. I don't sign the checks, and I'm sure as hell not taking any sort of financial responsibility for anything in this zoo.
I mean, really... I get that we have back-taxes due since 2003, but not only is that not actually my job, I wasn't even working here then. Give me a break. Bug my boss.

So, yeah, nobody cares if I am grumpy and tired and want to beat up the world. Apparently, I have to do my job (and then some) anyway. I find that highly disagreeable.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

 

slipped

I'm still feeling a bit off today. The hysterical crying only lasted an hour or so, and then was gone as fast as it came on. But the feeling of not being quite right, this nagging sadness, is sticking around. I honestly don't know where it is coming from.
Also, I have this headache that comes and goes and comes back again. I'm sure that isn't helping my mood any. I can't stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time, and then I'm just totally exhausted and need to rest or nap. Like, I'm almost dizzy with weariness. It's not really like me. Not that I'm usually made of such sturdy hearty stock, but this is a little out of even my usual territory.

I wish I could pinpoint where it is coming from. Maybe I'm fighting something off. But then, I just worry that maybe I am actually a little bit crazy and now is just one of those times where it is coming out. I don't know.

I've spent the last couple of days in my room with the door closed, because I just can't deal with the outside world. My roommate asked me today, when I made a quick trip out to the refrigerator, if I am mad at her, and I said no, I just want to be left alone. She was fine with that. Of course, tomorrow, I'll have to head to work, and my little self-imposed solitude will be over. I don't know if that is good or bad.

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