Saturday, January 21, 2006

 

breathe

For some reason, I just all of a sudden feel totally wrecked. I was fine last night, I woke up today still okay, though with a pounding headache. I went to breakfast with a friend and his mom, which was pretty funny, came home, just hung around. I ended up taking a really long nap, and ever since I've woken up, I just haven't felt right.
Now, I'm like sobbing hysterically and I don't even have any good reason why. I have that horrible chest-aching sadness, and I don't even have any clue where it is coming from. I seriously don't know what is wrong with me. So, I'm not really sure what to do about it. I feel like I'm goign to throw up or something.

 

eyes

Last night with the boy was pretty much fine. I think for the most part, we really are past the really good or bad anymore. We don't fight like we used to, and I don't hope like I used to. It all just is what it is.

One funny part: A girl at work had done my make-up, and she spent a long time and made me all pretty. The boy and I are sitting together at the game, and he asks: "Have you not been sleeping well? You don't look so good." And I said, "Oh, are you telling me I look shitty?" He answers, "No, you've just got these dark rings under your eyes, and you don't usually. I'm concerned you aren't getting enough sleep." Ugh.

Oh, and we ran into his cool-kid eastsider friends after the game. When they asked where we got the tickets, he said, "just bought them." And didn't make eye contact with me. Didn't say I bought them for him. Didn't say they were a present. I don't expect a parade for having given him a gift, but I can't say I expect him to be ashamed of it either.

And that's really all I've got to say about him right now. I don't want to dwell on it that much, because there isn't really much that deserves dwelling on.

Friday, January 20, 2006

 

nerve

I'm really nervous about seeing the boy tonight. And it is the kind of nervous like, I suspect everything is going to go horribly awry and am afraid of having to go through that. But, the way my hands are shaking, the way the butterflies are dancing in my stomach, it feels like how I used to feel every time the boy called, every time I was going to see him. And I hate being reminded of that right now, just as things are falling apart for good.
I don't want this to confuse me. He's had a million chances to get me, and he didn't want any of them. I can't lose focus now, and give him the power back. I need to dig down and find the will to be indifferent, to not care if he is an asshole, because I know deep down he will be an asshole, and I can't care.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

 

dread

I'm really not looking forward to the basketball game tomorrow night. It seems like nothing so much as a chance for the boy to disappoint me tremendously, hurt my feelings, and leave me sad. And I don't want to be sad about him anymore.

So, this makes me not want to go. It makes me fantasize about hiding out or running off somewhere when I am supposed to be meeting up with him. This isn't as independent or tough as it might sound at first because, for one thing, I'll never do it, and for another, it is exactly the sort of fantasy I always have when I am afraid the boy is going to hurt me.

And he isn't supposed to be able to do that anymore even if he wants to. I'm trying, but I'm really fucking nervous. It just doesn't seem like any good can possibly come of this.

 

time

I'm seriously losing my mind tonight. I've been home for work for barely an hour - it isn't even six o'clock yet, and I feel like I've been in solitary overload mode already. I also really really want to go to bed, which is somewhat ridiculous. I'm thinking I might take a walk to the store and try to wake myself up, but I'm really not sure what has got me so off. There's a get-together for the school kids tonight, so I guess it could be that, since that usually bums me out a little. Hell. I don't know.

 

weak

My job really sucks a lot. But then, I have to remind myself that it is because I work for such an idiot boss that I get $1000 bonuses to make up for bounced paychecks when the company is running out of money. Sure, I could have a generally more stress-free and fulfilling line of work. But I reap the benefits as well as the punishments of such a nightmarishly mismanaged office.

Of course, this is probably just me rationalizing my total fear of looking for a new job, even as everyone in the world tells me to look for a new job.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

 

talk

The boy called me without my calling or emailing him first tonight, which is pretty amazing. I was getting my nails done when he called, so I called him back when I was done. And he, of course, didn't answer, because that's just how he is. A few minutes later, my friend Alex, who I hadn't talked to in a long while, called. So, naturally, the boy called right then. And I didn't answer. Didn't even really feel tempted to, actually. I knew I'd rather talk to Alex and it wasn't even a hard decision.
So, that's progress, right? But, me being me, when I got off the phone with Alex, instead of leaving well enough alone, I called the boy. In my defense, Friday night is the basketball game, so I did need to talk to him to figure that out. As it turns out, he doesn't know what he wants the plan to be yet. But, in addition to a guy from school and his girlfriend going, one of the boy's eastside hipster friends and his girlfriend are going as well. So, I guess there's going to be some plan to get us all there together. It sounds like, and I'm just guessing, that we're just going to all meet in the eastside, with the boy and I driving separately, go to the game, and then go our separate ways.
I'm trying not to be too disappointed in advance, but it's a bit tough. I mean, I did this for him, and I shouldn't and don't expect anything out of it. I guess it is just that it isn't about him and me at all anymore, though. Not the game, not the getting to the game, and it doesn't seem like we're going to do anything after, either. So, that sort of sucks. Every sucky thing gets me one step closer to being able to not care, though, maybe.

 

help

My roommate is going through boy troubles of her own. Though she offered absolutely zero support or help to me in anything I've been going through lately on any front, I decided to sit down and try to talk through it with her. I don't know why I am so stupidly loyal sometimes. Of course, she didn't seem to appreciate or even recognize the effort, and certainly didn't reciprocate with so much as a single question about how I was doing. She's just SO self-centered. It verges on the comic. It doesn't even seem to occur to her that other people have feelings of their own, and she might give considering them a try. I'm trying hard to remember what ever made us friends. I just don't think she is that person any more.

 

treat

Another part of my new outlook on life is that when people make you feel like shit, you should let them know that they are doing that, and give them a chance to either change it or not. How they react should be pretty telling about how they feel about you.
I've had enough of this hoping people figure out how I'm feeling, or getting outraged that they don't see what they do to me. In the end it just frustrates me more, and does my relationships no real good.
I just don't see the reason to pull my punches any more, nor do I want to have more faith in people than they deserve. This seems like the best way to accomplish that. And if people fall by the wayside (and I have some good ideas which people will) as I continue developing my newer better me attitude, then they probably sucked in the first place, and I've been hanging on to their outdated friendship for too long anyway.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

 

move

Today at work, my friend Ali asked me why on earth the boy was #1 on my Myspace friend list. And I answered, out of habit, the same way I would have any time in the last year, that he just is my best friend, and that is where he should be.
But then I was thinking about it, and of course, he isn't my best friend, isn't all that good of a friend at all, really. So, I moved him down. And it's so stupid, I mean, it is more or less a meaningless gesture. It only means something in that it signifies something to me. He'll never notice. Probably nobody will.
I know I have to really mean it, though. Even as much of an ass as he's been lately, as few crumbs as he tosses my way, I could still keep hanging on if I let myself. And I'm really trying not to. So, if I feel like it is independent and bold and brave of me to move him down on my stupid Myspace friend list, I guess that's progress, maybe.
Or, I just want to look for things to be proud of myself for, since there aren't all that many to find.

 

wait

I finally got my pay check from the last time my check bounced. Of course, now it is three days before payday, so my hopes are really high for this next one.

I'm also trapped at work, since I have a customer that just refuses to leave. I can't go to lunch until he gets the hell out of here.

I guess I'm mostly just a bit grumpy today. My focus, in life in general, as well as with the boy in particular, is just to care less. I'm done giving my all to anyone or anything. I'm not going to get it back. I'm dedicated to being more detached and indifferent. It doesn't sound very nice, and it certainly doesn't sound very me. But I think it will be better for me.

 

globe

Though it can't repair the damage done by the suckiness of my work and friends, and the heartbreaking defeat of the Patriots by the stupid Broncos, I was ecstatic that Philip Seymour Hoffman won the Golden Globe last night. I jumped up and down like an idiot, and was basically just a big kid, I was so happy. Most of the people I were watching with had been rooting for Heath Ledger, but they didn't seem too annoyed by my joyful exuberance, so I appreciated that.

Mostly I was happy with the winners, though I hate both Lost and Desperate Housewives.

Other notes from the Golden Globes: Scarlett Johannson and Drew Barrymore both have enormous boobs, but the difference appears to be that Scarlett knows how to use hers and Drew does not.

Oh, and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers looks scary strung out. He's usually so handsome, too. That was a bit worrisome. Maybe it is for a part??

My friend Eric, though, was bitterly disappointed that there was no death montage, which is his favorite part of any awards show.

Monday, January 16, 2006

 

choice

I'll talk more about last night with the boy, and the conclusions it has led me to later, but a real highlight of the night... the boy mentioned a name that he might like to give to his baby some day. I, of course, pointed out that he fact that he has said time and again that he doesn't want to have kids. And he answered, "well, if I keep having unprotected sex with these girls, it is bound to happen. Speaking of that, I should really go to the doctor."

Naturally, I want to start choking at this point. Instead, I just noted that I thought it was truly lovely of him to have unprotected sex with a girl he thought of as so sketchy that the fact that they'd been together makes him feel like he needs to see a doctor. And he said, "in my defense, I didn't think she was that dirty until after the fact."

I guess I should root for him to keep saying things like that, because as much as they might hurt, they are bound to destroy the last of my affection for him once and for all.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

 

boy

With all that I've been talking about work, I haven't mentioned the boy lately. I did send him a message about how bad things at work were getting, and like everyone else (except my ex-boyfriend) he didn't respond Friday night. He did call early Saturday afternoon, though, which at least puts him ahead of my roommate, who didn't call until Saturday night, and had no idea what was wrong or what I might be upset about - she just wanted to kvetch about her own problems. She really is a doll sometimes.
Anyway, when he called on Saturday afternoon, he was pretty decent about asking me how I was doing, even though he's clearly going through some shit of his own, which in true the boy fashion, he won't talk to me about. So, I guess I sort of appreciate the gesture, but I'm not going to bend over backwards to keep him in my life right now, because he still just isn't quite worth all the work and heartache it takes to do that.
But, he found out I have to work on Monday, and was bummed because "we were gonna hang out Sunday night". I told him I didn't think that was the case, and he said, "in my mind, it was". So, we made plans to hang out tonight, sort of, and I was just kinda blah about it, and haven't really been dwelling on it so that he can't take over my brain the way he sometimes does.
Then, last night he called around ten to say his plans for the night fell through, and ask if I wanted to get a drink. I said, no, I was already out. So, I think I'm being as protective of myself as I can be, while not completely shutting the door on him. It's probably still a recipe for disaster, but I guess I'm feeling too vulnerable with all of my other issues to just turn away from him altogether. Nobody ever accused me of being all that bright.

 

patriot

So, obviously, the past few days have been rough ones. Maybe that explains the complete emotional breakdown I had after my dear Patriots were knocked out of the playoffs tonight. I mean, in best circumstances, that would make me really really sad, but I was basically inconsolable. My poor friend didn't know what to do with himself, though he of course tried his best to take my mind off of it. But, I'm just already so sad and beaten, this just felt like overkill in the things to make me sad department.
Also, I really love the Patriots players (yes, I know that makes no sense and yes, I know that I don't actually know them), so seeing them so off, missing catches they would normally make, fumbling left and right, and finally looking so heartbroken on the sidelines... it just amplified how crappy I felt about the loss itself.

I feel like I'm not going to like football for a little while, until my heart heals. I guess it is just as well. My friend Eric, who normally hosts the annual Super Bowl Party, has to be out of town for it this year, so it is not going to happen. If the Patriots were there, not having the party would have been a total bummer.

Final Note - just because my football love is wounded, my Patriots love is not. Every single player on that team, I adore them, whether they win or lose. I'm loyal to a fault in everything I do.

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