Friday, January 06, 2006



It has actually gotten to the point where I'm trying to fill my weekend with plans, so I don't have time to sit around thinking about the boy. I usually try to leave as much time open for him as possible, in case he comes around. But my hope of that, and even my desire FOR that, are both pretty much dying at this point. Everything ends with a whimper, even these huge periods of your life that you feel like are gonna shatter you. It just starts dying out, and it even though I'm sad, it isn't anywhere near the kind of shattered I used to be over him.



I am in a bad mood today. If you need proof that I am in a bad mood, I sent this email to my roommate, and totally thought that it was fine, and deserved, and not too mean. And granted, I had a right to be miffed with her, but... yeah, I'm a little over the top, I think.

would you like me to start talking about what i think is your own fault in your personal problems and the things and people that make you sad, and tell you that you need to change, rather than them? i don't think you would enjoy that very much, so i can only strongly suggest you stop doing it to me. i don't appreciate it. i don't agree.

i don't want to fight with you, but it is starting to really upset me. i'd much prefer it if you just had my back, but i guess that isn't the way you roll.



I called Alex "Eric" by accident last night. I wasn't even thinking about the boy. I don't know why I'd do that. I guess even when he's not on my mind consciously, he is still wreaking havoc in my brain.
Other than that, though, I had fun last night and didn't let myself get too depressed or obsessed. Alex and my plans kinda got all turned upside down, and we didn't do anything like what I thought we were going to do, but it was still good.

One bad thing, though, is that my car is making super scary noises. I need to take it in to the shop. That frightens me.

Thursday, January 05, 2006



I'm doing pretty okay at not talking to the boy. And even feeling like I'm okay with him not talking to me. I know too well, though, that these strong phases can evaporate frighteningly quickly sometimes. I'm watching TV at a friend's house, waiting for Alex to call me about our dinner plans, and a commercial had some sappy long song in the background. I fumbled for the remote so fast, I never threw the damned thing on the floor. I just have to remember that the good isn't worth the bad. I feel like I'm right on the verge of really believing that and remembering it, feeling like it is a true thing. I just can't let my resolve crumble right now.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006



First of all, side note, guess I was wrong about evil winning out, at least at the Rose Bowl, so that's nice.

Another good thing that happened today is that my mom asked me for money. That probably doesn't sound so great, but my parents haven't had a car for a long time. They also both haven't had jobs for a long time. I try to help, but my mom is just too proud to let me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like super-loaded, but I make enough money that I could lighten their load, and it has really bothered me that I couldn't, that she wouldn't let me.

A few months ago, I had basically begged her to let me give her the downpayment for a car. The winter cold of Massachusetts is not a good place to be without a car. She can't even get to the grocery store unless she can find a family member to give her a ride. And not only wouldn't she let me, she really got upset even at the suggestion, and started to cry. So, that's been frustrating.

Well, today my mom called me to say that she had gone out and bought a car, that she couldn't take it without one any longer. Of course, she used all her bill money for the month to do it, so she needs money from me. And being able to do that, to make things a little easier, a little better for my mom, who always tries to make my life better even though she's got pretty much nothing for herself - it is just nice, even though she keeps insisting she is going to pay it back, which I don't want or need.

Of course, my problems with the boy, and my confusion about how to move away from that, kind of casts a pall over my joy, even on this day, which is otherwise so satisfying for me. Today is a good day. It really is. So, why do I have to keep like reminding myself of that, just because one stupid boy who isn't even very nice doesn't want to hang out with me.



I can't stop watching the damned Rose Bowl. I went out to dinner with my roommate and pouted until she agreed to go to a pub so that we could both eat and watch the game. It's just such a fricking good game, even though I'm sure the evil USC Trojans will probably ultimately prevail. Of course, even though I'm rooting hard for Texas (and can it be any surprise that I'm drawn to rooting for the underdog), even if they lose, I guess I can take solace in that it'll bum the boy out, which he deserves for treating me so crappy lately.
But then, when I get on that train of thought, it occurs to me that he is probably watching the game with a bunch of people who like neither him nor football nearly so much as I do. Who don't enjoy what they've got nearly as much as I would. And don't have as many interesting things to say about as I do. And I can pretty much guarantee that he doesn't miss anything for the lack of me. Even if he should, he doesn't. I've got to be more like him, so that the lack of him means nothing to me. Because THAT is how I should feel.



So, I did end up going to the show tonight. I'd never been to the club it was in, the El Rey, before, so I didn't know the place is like colossally big. I didn't see either one of them, so I made myself all sick with worry for nothing. The whole night, I couldn't calm down, since I didn't know what I'd see the next time I glanced around. I think I sometimes make my life harder than it has to be, particularly since I shouldn't be getting upset about this in the first place.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006



I love love love this.

But sometimes it's like you just meet someone and you just know that you're totally connected, and that person is, like your brother - or your sister... Even if they don't like, recognize it, you feel it. And in a lot of ways it doesn't matter if they do or they don't see that for what it is - all you can do is put the feeling out there. That's your duty. Then you just wait and see what comes back to you. That's the deal.

I so feel that way, though I'm always selfish enough to want that something back, and to panic if it doesn't arrive. It's like, I can see the joy in giving over to that connection, but it only comes simultaneously with the worry that it won't be returned.



Things just got a bit more awful.

I think (though I am not sure) that I am going to a show with my roommate tonight. I know that the girl that the boy is currently seeing (or at least ONE OF the girls he is currently seeing, and the one he was with until 4 in the morning last night) will be there. I don't know if he will be with her.

This is not something I am looking forward to. This is not even something I think I can survive without imploding right now.

Which is funny, because I seriously don't even like him much at this moment. I don't even much want to see him. But the idea of seeing him with her, or even just seeing her that he prefers to me, is colossally painful.



It's funny, just a day after I talk about how much easier sadness is for me compared to anger, I'm just like overwhelmed with rage. I don't think I could honestly even place exactly where it is coming from, but oh boy is it here. I just want to scream, about work, about the boy, about my friends. I want to just start to beat up the work and tell them all to go fuck themselves.
It isn't like me, but that is how I feel today.

Monday, January 02, 2006



Earlier, I posted a quote from the book I'm currently reading, On Beauty by Zadie Smith. Tired and out of it from my drinking adventure last night, I've pretty much stayed in bed reading it all day. I read a lot, just picking whatever looks good to me at Amazon and trying to finish every one I get, whether or not they really strike a nerve with me. This book, though, even though it doesn't necessarily reflect on anything I'm going through in my own life right now, is just astoundingly good.
Usually, a good book, I just fly through, and while I'm going through it a fair click, I'm also trying not to jet too fast, because I'm enjoying it so much. I know I'm going to be sad when I'm through with it. It is actually succeeding in taking my mind away from my own life quite well, which is a pretty astounding feat.
So, yeah, that's it. I just wanted to rave a little bit.



In thinking back to my half-conscious hungover morning today, I remembered something kind of weird. I heard someone walk by and open the front door to the boy's apartment. Then I heard footsteps coming back my way, and I peeked up, and saw the boy standing over me, looking down at me. I kind of passed back out, and a few minutes later, I heard him go out the back door to his car, and take off.
So, why did he go to the front door? What is up with that? Why would he do that? Now, I know I didn't fall asleep until well after he had gone to bed, because I still had more throwing up to do. Therefore, it seems unlikely that he snuck a girl in for the night, right? But what if she called a few hours later, and I was too unconscious to hear the phone ring or her coming in?
It probably didn't even happen. I'm probably be ridiculously paranoid. But the idea of him having a girl in his bed, touching a girl, when I was just in the other room, makes me want to throw up. Why does my mind do this? Go exactly where I don't want it to go, and then linger there, making me feel worse and worse?
I suppose I'm not even supposed to care if there was or wasn't a girl. It's not my place. But it would feel like a betrayal. And even as a hypothetical, it makes me want to start crying.



I'm currently reading Zadie Smith's book, On Beauty. I just got to this quote that I really really like, so I'm going to put it here. It's interesting, usually, I'm drawn to quotes that match the way I feel or have felt about something. This one is sort of the opposite of me, but I guess I like it for that reason. Sadness comes so easily to me, but anger is almost always unattainable. I do get angry sometimes, but it isn't a natural thing for me, the way sad is.

Anyway, here is the quote I like:

She could not do distress. Anger was so much easier. And quicker and harder and better. If I start crying, I'll never stop - you hear people say that; Kiki heard people say it all the time in the hospital. A backlog of sadness for which there would never be sufficient time.



Got way too drunk last night, and stayed over at the boy's house. That's what happens when you eat literally nothing all day, then go out and do shots, I guess.

When I woke up this morning, he was gone. Like, he left the house completely and didn't even wake me up to say goodbye. And it was only 9 a.m. I found that fairly maddening, in exactly the way he always is.

I went home fuming. Then he called a couple hours later. He said he just wanted to check on me, make sure I got home okay. The gesture dulled my anger, but didn't really make me happy with him.

Sunday, January 01, 2006



So, it is officially the beginning of a new year, and I'm going out with the boy tonight, so... way not to move on at all or let go of the old in any way. It is all so much habit now, my inability to stay away from him, to snatch up his tiny token gestures of friendship.
Last night ended up being okay. We went to the bar downtown, where, thankfully, the boy was nowhere to be seen. It was overcrowded, and the drink prices were jacked up to a ridiculous degree, but it could have been a lot worse. And neither one of us has an emotional breakdown, so any night like that has to be considered at least a partial success.
The boy are going to the movies tonight, and from the sound of it over the phone, I think he invited his roommate to come. So, already, we're off to a fabulous start. And I don't even know why I covet alone time with him so much anyway. Nothing good ever comes of it. I should be grateful for the presence of others, since it at least usually keeps from having huge-ass fights. I don't know. It's like I'm a skipping record, right. I'm beginning to wonder if that is all I will ever be.

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