Tuesday, June 06, 2006



Fought with the boy for nearly three hours. Didn't get anywhere. We can't agree on what's wrong, whether there's anything wrong, what friendship should be, or even whether we should be friends. It was nauseating and mindnumbing and hurtful. And I still didn't end things in no uncertain terms. What the fuck is wrong with me? I even feel like part of him wants me to do it, just so he won't be the bad guy, even though he says he doesn't think there is anything wrong, besides my unhappiness.

Besides which, isn't my unhappiness a pretty fucking big deal? In a relationship between two people, one unhappy person is a major problem. But he just lets me get upset and sad and angry and whatever else, and just takes it, and if he was sad back or angry back, it'd be so much easier to just get the energy to say what I need to say, which is that this just doesn't work anymore. But it's just like he's like a wall. And I end up running of energy just trying to get him to engage, and then I can't do it anymore. I ended up hanging up the phone with a whimper.

It's just so typical of our relationship over these last years that I can't even get a good goodbye. Like, THAT is definitely not too much to ask. Why can't I at least have that. What the fuck? My heart hurts. And I'm crying over him again, goddamnit. Why can't I stop doing that?

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