Wednesday, June 07, 2006



I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my sister's four kids on this blog, at least a couple of times. They range in age from 10 to 4 months, and they are all total hellcats and totally awesome.

Well, I have a special fondness for the 2 year old, Hopie, since she's such an unapologetic badass. And the last few times I've talked to my mom, she's told me that Hopie's been chatty about me, "Auntie Heidi's on airplane" or "Heidi's cold - put on a sweater", and so forth and so on. And it feels good that she remembers me, a whole month since I've seen her, but it also makes it hard to be away.

And today, I just feel like there's so little for me in the life I've made for myself here in L.A. And my mom called to say that Hopie woke my sister up at 5:30 this morning with the phone, asking her to call me, because she wanted to talk to her Auntie Heidi. It makes me want to get on a plane there tonight and never come back to L.A.

And it's so dumb, because I know I'd have no more of a solid foundation in Massachusetts than I do here. Probably less - my family is seriously messed up. But, just thinking about these little children that I love and they love me - it seems like seeing them, just that, would maybe make my life feel like it means something. Like I have some real connection to anyone.

Then, I think about how pathetic it would be to run back to my family because I can't survive on my own anymore, because in a way, that's what it would be... but at least I'd have people that I love that want that love. I don't think I have any of that here. Maybe that is enough to make being pathetic worth it.

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