Wednesday, May 24, 2006

 

rewind

I've been doing okay for a long time about the ex-boyfriend breakup. I did call him a few times when all the car shit was going down, but I recognize that to get him out of my system for good, he needs to be out of my life for good. Whether or not that is fair or justified, it is the best thing for me, and that is what matters. And I've been doing really well. I hardly ever have to fight the urge to call him or email him to find out how he is doing. And mostly, when he does cross my mind, it is just me feeling proud that I'm doing so well without him. Because whether or not he was some great love for me, he was a big part of my life, and a huge part of my support system. And a lot of shit has been going wrong, so I've been feeling that lack in the system hugely. So I think I'm right to feel proud of the fact that I'm standing on my own two feet.
Anyway, all this preamble is to get to the fact that he invaded my dreams last night, which was pretty upsetting. I dreamed that he and I were hanging out for the first time, post-break up. And it was horrible. And he was sad and I was sad that we aren't friends anymore, and there was nothing to say. It was so terrible that after a few minutes, he just took off and left me alone.
For some reason, that dream really got me. I guess because I really feel like it represents the truth - that his part in my life, which has lasted so very long, is actually over now. I have enough real life shit going on that I shouldn't let my dreams knock me down this much.

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