Saturday, April 01, 2006



I sent the ex boyfriend a birthday present. That was dumb. And I knew it was dumb. And everyone I know told me it was dumb. But I did it anyway.
And while I was online, doing the present choosing and sending, I thought I was doing it because I wanted to show him how awesome I am. Like he dumps me, and I still give him a present. Because it would make him see my awesomeness and either make him miss me or feel like an ass, which are the best options I've got available to me right now, anyway.
But after it was done, and I had pressed send, and charged the present to my credit card, I realized that I wasn't exactly being honest with myself about my motives. See, the thing is, my birthday is two days before his. And I feel relatively certain that he's not going to be sending me anything for mine. So, as much as the gesture might cause a ping of pain in him, it's gonna hurt a lot more when I go through my own birthday ignored by him. And I think some part of me wants that, right? Because if he's not done hurting me, then he's not done with me, in some weird way. Even though it is all of my own creation.
I'm sneakily scarily good at coming up with ways to make my damned self miserable, I think.

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