Friday, January 20, 2006

 

nerve

I'm really nervous about seeing the boy tonight. And it is the kind of nervous like, I suspect everything is going to go horribly awry and am afraid of having to go through that. But, the way my hands are shaking, the way the butterflies are dancing in my stomach, it feels like how I used to feel every time the boy called, every time I was going to see him. And I hate being reminded of that right now, just as things are falling apart for good.
I don't want this to confuse me. He's had a million chances to get me, and he didn't want any of them. I can't lose focus now, and give him the power back. I need to dig down and find the will to be indifferent, to not care if he is an asshole, because I know deep down he will be an asshole, and I can't care.

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