Thursday, January 19, 2006



I'm really not looking forward to the basketball game tomorrow night. It seems like nothing so much as a chance for the boy to disappoint me tremendously, hurt my feelings, and leave me sad. And I don't want to be sad about him anymore.

So, this makes me not want to go. It makes me fantasize about hiding out or running off somewhere when I am supposed to be meeting up with him. This isn't as independent or tough as it might sound at first because, for one thing, I'll never do it, and for another, it is exactly the sort of fantasy I always have when I am afraid the boy is going to hurt me.

And he isn't supposed to be able to do that anymore even if he wants to. I'm trying, but I'm really fucking nervous. It just doesn't seem like any good can possibly come of this.

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