Saturday, December 31, 2005



Just to add to my lack of desire to go out on New Year's, which I generally do find to be a bit depressing, especially considering my constant lack of a boyfriend, it is now pouring rain here in Los Angeles. Which means that driving is going to a bitch, that it's going to be freezing cold tonight, and that wherever we end up, I'm going to be wet and uncomfortable. Also, I can't be a Miss Priss and straighten my hair, (because it would just curl up again as soon as the rain hit it) so I'm going to have to go out in public with my hair curly for the first time in months, which makes me feel insecure for some reason.
All of our potential plans are inherently flawed, anyway. Our options are:
1. To go to a bar that the boy I'm in love with frequents, so there is a chance we will see him with his New Year's Date, which will probably drive me to suicide.
2. Go to a party that is hosted by a friend of friend of my roommate who I don't care for at all
3. Go to my ex's party, which is all the way down in Redondo, which is too far.

So, they all suck, kind of. I think we are likely to try the bar. And I'll just have to cross my fingers that he will be somewhere else, somewhere far far away and I won't see him.



I went out with my roommate last night, since things have pretty much come to an end with her boy, and she felt like she needed to be out of the house. I felt like not getting out of bed, but we do what we have to do for our friends, right?
I tried, stupidly to get at least a little food in my stomach before we left, just like a little bit of pasta, so I then felt moreorless completely nauseous the whole time we were at the bar. But, it wasn't too crowded and the DJ played good music, so it could have been worse.
Mostly, though, which just sat there sulking, each about our own shit. What a wild Friday night. We're hanging out again tonight, for New Year's Eve, so that seems real promising.
Before I went out, I was talking to Alex. We agree that I shouldn't even want to talk to or hang out with the boy these days, since he pretty much says not nice things to me and treats me like crap all the time. It's like, it should be human nature, a natural defense mechanism, to not want to spend time with someone who is only bad for you and bad to you. What is wrong with me? Why don't I have that?



Over the past few days, I seem to have lost my ability to eat anything. I mean, I can eat little bits, snacks or a few bites of something light, but anything more than that, and I feel terrible. It started the day I got my bad headache, and though the headache is gone, my aversion to food continues. It's like trying to eat anything remotely substantial or like a meal makes me completely seasick. I get totally queasy, my heart starts pounding and a break into a sweat.
And it just keeps happening. So, I'm sort of sick of trying to eat at all. Of course, when I don't eat for a good long stretch, I just got wicked dizzy, which really isn't much better.
This doesn't seem like a good thing. I guess it could be stress, or just emotional wear and tear, but it is definitely unpleasant.

Friday, December 30, 2005



I'm getting out of work early today, which delights me tremendously. I actually have to put in another hour or so, but my boss is already gone for the day, so it is pretty much just relaxation time.

The budget meeting, as anticipated, was a farce. The decision made was that I (ME!!!) should determine the budget for my company's affiliate company. Ummm... not an accountant AND I don't even work for that company, but.... okay.

Going out for a few hours after work with one of the girls from the office. That should help me not stare at the phone, trying to telepathically command it to ring.



I have to go to a two hour meeting with my boss, and our affiliate company's president on BUDGET. These two men have never made a budget in their life. This is destined to be a very long, very boring boring meeeting at which nothing is actually accomplished. I'm already dizzy and queasy, so I'm not sure I'll make it through. Damn. I'd wish they'd forgot, but I can see it clearly on my boss' schedule.

Everyone knows that Fridays are supposed to be easy, restful days. What the hell?

Thursday, December 29, 2005



While I was fighting with the boy earlier today, he actually, at one point, got so upset that he screamed into his pillow. And not in a joking, "oh my goodness, you're exasperating me" kind of way, but in an actual, "I'm going to go fucking insane, you are so infuriating" kind of way.

I was a bit disheartened by this, but my roommate says that I should be proud that I can at least provoke such an intense reaction in him, even if it is a bit negative.



I already caved and called the boy. When questioned, he said he would see me "sometime next year." That lead to my hissyfit, which turned into a one hour-long fight. In the end, we had (sort of) plans. So, do I chalk that up as a win or a loss?
I mean, I guess I get what I want in that I get to see him, but to have to fight for it, that's not right, that's not how it should be. It leaves me so exhausted and frustated.



I don't know if I have mentioned this, but several of my coworkers basically just come and go as they please, take days off, leave early whenever they feel like it. I have one coworker who came in ONE DAY this week, and another who didn't come in at all.
Yesterday, since I felt completely nauseous and terrible, I ended up leaving just a couple hours early after sticking it out as long as I could. Later, a girl at my office told me that my boss made a pissed-off face when he found out I left. And I know he relies on me more heavily than other employees, so I didn't let it get to me too much.

Today, I had to email him about a customer that I'm dealing with since he apparently told them they could and should hold off on part of their order and never told me so, so it got all messed up and wrong. His response? Just "You weren't here when she called." Like an accusation that it was my fault things got fucked up because I dared not to be here when he needed me. Has he never heard of email? I spoke to him several times today, and he never brought it up then either. How fucking dare he treat me like I suck when he lets everyone else slide for much much worse. I shouldn't even say "worse" because I didn't do anything wrong at all. It was all I could do not to write him back and say so to him. Goddamnit. People are fucking pissing me off.



I mentioned yesterday that I am trying to be good about not trying to get the boy to talk to me or hang out with me. I was already leaning that way, but the phone call I got from him last night cemented it. I'd left work early with a pounding nausea-inducing headache, but when he called, of course I still answered. I'm like that.
We chatted for just a couple minutes, when he then announced that he had to go to Target, like, right that second, so he had to go. I asked him what he was going to buy, and for no good reason that I could possibly discern, he wouldn't tell me. He said he needed to have some mystery, or something truly asinine like that.
So, then, he adds, "but we should hang out one of these days", and I figure, "hell, he's trying to be good - he called, he's asking me to do something", so I bite and say sure. And he says, "yeah, well, I'll give you a call about that sometime" and hangs up.
What the hell is that? He really seems to have just wanted to make sure that I'd still say yes, and when he knew that I would, then that was enough for him and he could just hang up. God forbid he actually goes ahead and makes plans with me, and then misses out on something better that comes up, if he doesn't absolutely have to. Ugh. And I fell for it. Like the love-stupid sucker I always am. So, I really am going to try to be better, though who knows how well that will work.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005



My friends are just not calling me these days. I'm not fighting with them, and they certainly aren't ignoring me or being mean. I think they're just busy, and I also think I'm looking to them more than I might usually, since I am trying not to keep calling and trying to get the boy's attention when he's being such a shit. So, it isn't fair of me. But, I'd just like love for them to start calling and asking me to hang out, because now would be a particularly good time for that for me (though I'm always happy to see them, of course) - and at this exact time, is when they are all off doing their own thing and the calls and emails aren't coming at all, or at best, at a teeny tiny trickle.
That's life. I'm still holding up okay right now, but I fear I'll start sinking into my sadder tendencies soon.



I'm watching this political documentary, from a few years back, called The Party's Over. It is hosted by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. This movie confirms my deeply held belief that he is the hottest man in America. I don't care how much my friends want to make fun of me for it. He is Hot as hell.



Her lack of concern over Hely's distant manner took her by surprise, but she could not help being pleased by how little pain his indifference caused her.

This is a quote from the book I'm currently reading, The Little Friend. It refers to a ten year old girl. A ten year old girl whose emotional maturity clearly surpasses my own. This depresses me, even though it is just fiction.

Of course, I haven't got to the end yet, so maybe the whole book will end with her hitting puberty and becoming a pathetic little boy-slave like myself. One never knows.



My head aches. I'm trying to calculate payroll withholdings and be productive, and I just way to lay my two ton head down. I don't know if it is stress, sadness, or I'm actually getting sick. Or, I guess it could just be a garden-variety headache, even though I haven't had one of those in a while.
I'm supposed to go out for cocktails with the girls from work tonight, but at this rate, I don't think I am going to make it. Which I know means I am lame, since I would never bail on the boy no matter what, but my head pounding does not make me want to drink alcohol.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005



My roommate and I did our Christmas gift exchange tonight. I got her gift certificates to the Arclight, which isn't all that super thoughtful of a gift, but she does like it there, and she does hate to pay the pricey admission, so I didn't think it was too bad. Plus, I got her $50 dollars worth, so I felt like I was maybe making up a bit in price what it lacked in panache.
Then, she gave me her gift. Months and months ago, in maybe the Spring or so, we had gone to see a few bands at the Hammer Museum, and while we were waiting for the show to start, I saw some paintings by this artist that I really liked. Well, she remembered the artist's name, went back to the Museum store, and got me a book of postcards of his work, and a journal with a painting by him on the cover, onto which she painted "Heidi's Stalk Log". How awesome and thoughtful is that? It was just really really super nice, and made me feel like my gift was cruddy.

Oh, and the artist's name is Yoshitomo Nara. I think his stuff is pretty awesome.



My roommate is on her way back into town after having been away for Christmas for the past couple weeks. I texted her a while ago, and asked if she wanted to do dinner, since we haven't seen each other in a while. She never responded, so I just called her, since if she doesn't, I need to find some other means and place to obtain food to put in my belly. She says that while she'd like to see me, she wants to see her boy more, and there is a chance he possibly (though not definitely) will be free tonight. So, I can just hold on until she knows, though she isn't sure when that will be.
And I almost started to get annoyed. But then I realized, I'd do the same fucking thing, except my boy doesn't seem to want to see me at all. I guess we are alike in some ways after all.



Tomorrow at work, I have to be the boss and lecture someone. I have to tell them what we think they've been doing wrong, and tell them we are giving them one more chance. This gives me nightmares.
In school, I was the kid who cringed and had to fight off tears when SOMEBODY ELSE got yelled at for misbehaving. I'm just not sure I'm the right girl for the job here. But my boss wants me to, and I'm also not the kind of girl who can say no to authority figures.

Monday, December 26, 2005



So, I'm back to L.A.

My horoscope for tomorrow said it would be a bad time to bring in confrontation, and although I don't really believe in such things, it seemed to me to indicate that I should force a confrontation on the boy today, so it wouldn't be held until tomorrow, a bad day for it.
So, shortly before I got on the plane, I texted him, and just said, "You haven't been returning my calls. Why are you mad at me?" or something like that. When I finally deplaned six hours later, I had a voicemail from him, in which he basically just said, "I'm calling you." I called him back and he was totally unapologetic. And he's all like, "I should have remembered you require special attention." I don't think I was asking for that. I think I was asking for basic consideration, that I would have expected (and I really think, would have gotten) from any of my other friends. But he makes it seem like I'm being a high maintenance beeyotch, instead of realizing he would have saved himself a lot of grief and me a lot of sadness if he had just been decent in the first place.
I'm extremely frustrated. I really don't think I was expecting too much. When I finally calmed down a bit, because I realized that I was never going to get the apology I feel like I deserve from him, he tells me he is coming back to town tomorrow because he's got "people to see and things to do". I, almost certainly, don't fit into that category. He asked for a ride home from the airport, but it is at a time I can't do it. So he said, "Never mind, I'll get one of my hos to do it." I know it was partly a joke, but it makes me hate him a little bit more right now. Of course, we all know I'll get over it, like the big pathetic doormat that I am.

Sunday, December 25, 2005



I've reached the point where I realize that it is not my own insanity or unreasonableness, but that the boy is actually being really shitty right now. He's really not returning my calls. He didn't even call me to wish me a Merry Christmas. That's actually crappy. I'm not asking too much.
And each time I log on, and I see that he is clearly like checking his Myspace and shit today, so it isn't that he is too busy or wrapped up with family stuff, it makes it sting more. I really don't think I did a single thing to justify his being an ass, so I don't know where it is coming from. But it is really starting to wear me down. Even being with my family, even it being Christmastime, it could only distract me for so long, and now I just want to cry. Seriously. What the fuck.



It looks like I'm pretty much spending the entire second half of my Christmas watching TV and eating a ton of candy. My dad pretty much stays in his room, and my mom's too sick to get out of bed. All of my friends are with their families doing holiday stuff, and I don't have a car when I'm staying here, so it's pretty boring.
I stupidly called the boy again and he didn't answer again. Sometimes I am too damned dumb. Oh well, watching this Law and Order Marathon on TNT is super festive and fun. Blah.



I've been waiting for three days for any kind of response from the boy to my unanswered phone call. A little while ago, I was on the phone with one of my friends, who knows, but is not even that close to the boy, and we both got texts. He could check his while on the phone; I can't. However, as soon as he looked at his and saw that it was a generic "Merry Christmas" from the boy that he obviously sent to all his friends, I knew that is what mine was as well.
I'm just a person on the list of people he's going to send a text totally lacking in personality to? That's my level of closeness to him right now?
I want to chuck the Christmas tree out the window, I'm so upset and frustrated with him.



Yeah, so it is Christmas morning now, and my mother is so violently pukingly ill that she can't open any of her presents or go visiting any of our relatives. I'm so glad I can be here for this festive and delightful experience. I do feel bad for her, honestly. Nobody likes to be sick. And she is throwing up a lot.
Being sick has put her in a nasty little mood, though. So, it is a yelling, swearing, crabby Christmas in my family home.
I can't really go near her anyway. I have six hour plane ride tomorrow, and if I am constantly having to get up to puke... well, that will be unpleasant.

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