Saturday, December 24, 2005

 

name

My sister, who has three perfectly normal named children, has decided on the name for her new baby, due to arrive in about a month. That name is Calvin. The child is doomed.

Although, he almost certainly will be completely adorable, because my nieces and nephew are seriously about the most amazing children on the planet. We did our gift exchange with them tonight, and they were awesome.

Still, though, a name like Calvin - the kid is in for trouble.

 

room

So, while I am staying with my parents, I will be sleeping on their couch. I don't mind that so much. It's a little bit small, but it is fairly comfortable, and I'm not a whiney baby about it.
There's just one problem, though. The couch is in the living room. So is the Christmas tree. Which means that tonight, I will have to watch my mom put all the presents under the tree. My mom, and not Santa Claus. And don't get me wrong, it isn't that I'm some sort of scary grown child who still believes, but my whole life, I've woken up on Christmas morning to see the big array of presents that "Santa" brought, and it is this wonderful moment every year. This year, the last little remnant of that mystery and wonder and shit will be eradicated and replaced with the image of my poor mom staying up All Night making things look perfect while my good-for-nothing dad sleeps peacefully in the next room, and then takes equal share of the credit.
I'd like to say that I'll step up and help her, but I just don't think I'm ready to be grown up enough to share in Santa Claus duties.

Friday, December 23, 2005

 

silent

My whole house is asleep and quiet. The three hour time difference can be a bitch. It was great sitting with my mom and hearing all about everything that is going on with all my family members and so forth and so on. But now I'm on my own. And my mind wanders where it wants to, as usual. Which right now is the fact that I called the boy a full two days ago and he never called me back.
I don't see my family that much, so when I'm with them, I'm actually able to get my head into it. But until I can force myself to go to sleep tonight, it is back where I don't want it to be. Why would he not be calling me back at all? What is up with that? I don't get it.

Oh, also, Massachusetts is freaking ridiculously cold. What the hell?

 

twist

I ate with chopsticks for the first time in my whole life tonight. I'm so proud of myself I could burst. I also recognize how fully pathetic that makes me. I was at dinner with a friend and her nine year old daughter, who had never eaten with chopsticks either. So she and I decided to try together. In her, it is cute. In me, a bit sad, right?
I'm home in Massachusetts, so I'm going to go enjoy my family, a very disfunctional but mostly loveable group, none of whom has ever eaten with chopsticks either. What can I say, we are small town people.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

 
Alex says I'm mildly frightening. That bums me out. I don't think it would bother me so much when I wasn't already so off the wall and overly emotional, but that's life, right? Everything resonates differently depending on the mood you go in with - the way movies look, the ways songs sound, the way you take the things your friends say. It is all dependent on what you were thinking about and how you were feeling before the thing actually happened at all.

I wish the boy would call. I wish I didn't have to get on a plane tomorrow, but somehow could still end up being with my family. I wish my friends thought my talents were cool instead of scary.

I'm just a total crab, I guess. As the boy would say, I'm impossible to please.

 

lump

I need to be packing.

I need to be getting my apartment ready for me to go away for a few days.

I need to pay bills.

I need to do a million things, and not one of them is sit around all depressed because I haven't heard from the boy. Damnit. How did I ever get to be so completely useless.

Oh, and for the second year in a row, my rocking boss didn't give me so much as a single dollar for a Christmas bonus. So so very awesome.

 

ouch

My work is full of the most awkward people on the face of the earth. My office holiday party is going on right now, and I am hiding in the other room, because seriously, I'd rather work than be subjected to that any longer.
Good God, that is not a fun group of people.

 

blur

I'm so tired this morning. Which is funny, since I've done basically nothing all week. I just can't wake up. I'm a total zombie. Maybe I've just been so bored and lonely, that my will to do anything at all has completely died.
Tomorrow morning, I fly back to Massachusetts to see my family, though, so hopefully, that will bring me back to life at least a little bit.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

 

restraint

I managed not to call or email the boy at all today, despite my lonely and bored state, and despite the fact that I did get an email from him. Am I proud of myself? Does it even mean anything? Did he notice at all? Probably not.
I guess from time to time I want to remind myself that there is some willpower somewhere in my body.
I feel tired now, just from what I haven't done.

 

Angel

Johnny Damon is a Yankee now??? That's just all kind of wrong. I don't even like the Red Sox that much (I mean, I'm a fan of all Boston teams, but baseball is my least favorite sport), and that just totally bums me out.
Not like the boy dating stupid 40s girl (this is what I am dubbing her, since she is all 40's glam style), but still, significantly.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

 

wait

When I talked to the boy earlier, he said he might call me after the Mavericks' game to gloat. So, of course, I had intended to watch the damned thing on TV, so I could banter effectively. Well, it wasn't on my tv (I don't have cable), so for the last few hours, I have had the nba.com website up on my computer screen, so I could check the progress of the game, see how his team did, and know when it was over.
Now, granted, his team got their asses handed to them. So, really, there isn't anything for him to gloat about. But as soon as the game was over, don't you know that my eyes went expectantly to my cell phone. Like he's really going to call. I never do learn my lesson, do I? Oh well, I guess it used up a part of my attention for a while.

 

dull

Watching TV. Horrible, crappy, reruns of shows I don't even like in the first place. I'm trying desperately to convince myself that they are distracting me from my nightmarish boredom and loneliness in this empty wasteland of a stupid city, but the truth is, not so much.
I guess I'm sort of settling down about the boy dating another girl. What can I do? If I'm not willing to walk away, there's not really any action I can take that will help me through this. And I should walk away, and I know it. But, I don't. So, I guess I just sit here and hope his thing with her doesn't last, and then he'll be lonely enough to spend the bulk of his time with me.
It really is terrible that I have to root for his unhappiness to create my happiness. I'm a shitty excuse for a friend to him. Though I guess he's less than a perfect friend to me, so maybe we're even.

 

quick

He called me this morning while I was at work, and I called him back ON MY LUNCH BREAK. I couldn't even stand to wait until I got out for the day. I'm seriously pathetic.
And I wasn't even that excited about talking to him, since the idea of him with girl brings tears to my eyes, and I didn't have a solid game plan for explaining the random bursts of crying.
But I didn't anyway. I couldn't resist.

 

burn

Today, I fucking hate him. I look at her picture and her cutesy little Myspace comment, and I want to fucking punch him in the face.

My face is red with rage that he could really not see how perfect for him I am. I really am, I swear! He won't get along better with this other girl, or laugh more, or be happier than he could be with me. But he just won't see it. Damn it.

And of course, I'm at work so I have to pretend I'm not fucking insane. That's going... not so hot.

Monday, December 19, 2005

 

night

I was just about to go to bed, and I decided to check the boy's Myspace one more time before lights out. And there's a comment from her. The girl I met at the bar a few weeks ago, the one I knew he was interested in. And it isn't just a "hey. how are you" comment. It's one that displays some level of intimacy, of familiarity. Though I had every reason to assume that he was continuing to spend time with her, date her even, it still knocked me off of my feet. I just... I feel flushed with fever. Like I want to sob but it won't come out. He's really going to be with her, this girl he just met. He really likes her better than me. That is real.

I called him tonight, but he didn't answer. Maybe I'm almost glad now, because even if we had a cordial conversation, I'd almost certainly be beating myself up for it now.

I should have known from the other night, when he was so threatening to pull away. This is what happens when there is another girl in the picture. The moves should be familiar to me by now.

So, why do I feel so unprepared and destroyed, right?

 

nothing

I'm so bored.

If all of my friends who have scattered all over the place could return now, I would really appreciate it.
I'm usually a person who can keep myself fairly entertained, but I am just not getting the job done right now for some reason. I almost certainly will have called the boy by the end of the night because I just can't take it any longer.

 

jealous

I'm at that point where it feels like everyone who is happy, everyone who is even verging on or contemplating happiness, is doing it to hurt me.

I know it is not true.

I know it is utterly ridiculous.

But there it is. That's how I feel right now, just rotten with envy.

 

gone

He is gone.

I am sad.

And I'm going to gain one thousand pounds, since all I've been doing for the last 24 hours is eating and smoking, smoking and eating.

It's probably not the healthiest way to distract myself from missing the boy.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

 

quiet

It hasn't even been 24 hours since my friends started filing out of L.A. for the holidays, but I already feel so lonely and melancholy. That didn't take long at all. I kind of wonder if the idea of how long it will be before I get to leave myself (I take off on Friday) is hitting me harder than how long I have actually been on my own so far. Or maybe it really is just the idea of the boy leaving - I guess I don't really know.
I'm just like overcome with this sadness. Not the sharp stinging sadness of when something bad happens with the boy, but just this sort of quiet ache that I really don't like.
I emailed him to say goodbye and wish him a safe trip, but though I know he got it, he didn't write back.
By myself is just a bad way for me to be, I think, maybe. Tomorrow, I'll go back to work, and though it will almost certainly be annoying and frustrating, maybe it is for the best, just so I have distraction and I'm out of this house.

 

quiet

I was supposed to go out with my friend Ross tonight, but he is under the weather, so I'm on my own. I've been reading and listening to the CD my friend Michael made me for Christmas, which is sort of distracting, but not really enough to keep my mood from going south.
I think I'll make myself go out and get some dinner just to get me out of the house for a while. I don't know if that will help any, but I've got to break my current brood before it completely takes over. I think it is partly just knowing that tonight is the boy's last night in town. And he's not spending it with me. Maybe I will feel a little better once I know he is far away in Texas and I couldn't see him no matter what. Or maybe not. Who knows.

 

morning

I would appear that the boy was out until 7 a.m. last night. That is the kind of thing I could tear my brain into pieces trying to wrap my head around. I both want to and dread knowing where he was and who he was with.

I spent the day distracting myself with football, which worked surprsingly well, but now the games are over, and I need to try to get right in general. Wish me luck with that.

My friends have just about all gone home, or gone away, at least, so it really is up to me not to let myself get carried away. I'm not that good at that.

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