Saturday, December 17, 2005



Went out to dinner and to the movies with my roommate tonight. On the way into the theater, I was, as is frequently my habit, obsessing about a comment the boy made to me. This time, it was in regards to the punch I got from him last night. I had told him afterwards that I thought it was going to bruise, and since he was going away, that I would take a picture of it for him. And he, oh so charmingly, replied that he would prefer I not give him pictures of any of my body parts.
So, of course, I was ranting about why he feels the need to make comments like that, to discourage me from things I was never going to do anyway. Me being me, I was expressing this in a somewhat crude manner. Fortunately, I had just finished up my venting, when I looked up and saw one of his bandmates with his girlfriend. Thank goodness I hadn't carried on any longer, or they certainly would have heard me. It was awkward enough to be ignored by them (when I have met them several times), but it would have been worse if they were listening to me while I was discussing the likelihood that I would ever photograph my boobies as a present for the boy.
I know I talk a lot. It's how I process things. Clearly, though, I need to be more careful about the talking I do in public. It is a major recipe for embarrassment.



On the way home from driving my friend to the airport today, I was stopped at a red light. In the car in front of me, the man and woman took the opportunity to kiss while they were stopped. And I almost started crying. It's like, I have these friends that I love, and I'm always doing the stuff I like to do. I have a boy who I love, and while I kind of miss sex, you get kind of used to not having it. It's those little awesome moments where you feel like someone digs you that much that are the only thing about boyfriends that I really miss, that make it sting.

Last night, my plans with my friend ending up merging with the plans of the boy, so I did end up seeing him one more time before he goes home for Christmas. We didn't fight - there were way too many people around for that. He was mostly civil, even friendly, to me anyway. But, you know, that's not really much. Especially when I'm still thinking about how deep down, when he's honest, he thinks I'm obsessively crazy and is considering ditching me until I become less obsessive or less crazy or whatever. So, when in front of everyone else, he's all "Hey! How are you?" and shit, it doesn't mean anything really.

Well, at least he punched me again, pretty hard. Though it doesn't hurt much today, so I don't think I'm going to get another pretty bruise. That would have been a nice little present from him that I could have while we are apart for Christmas.

Friday, December 16, 2005



I'm supposed to go out to dinner with one of my friends tonight. And much like last night was with the boy, this is my last chance to see him before he goes away for the holidays. And I love him dearly. But I just feel like I don't have the energy for it.
Don't get me wrong - I'll go. I just think, I'll go and be thinking about the boy and last night, and everything that went wrong. And not enjoying my friend who is with me and wants to hang out with me. I'm like that. It is one of my least favorite things about myself. But I can't really control where my mind goes, you know?



He says I'm obsessively crazy. He's almost certainly right, of course. I can't stop thinking about it. But whether or not it is true, it hurts me that he thinks of me that way. I want him to think I am wonderful, and partly, I think he does. But I'm not good at hiding my feelings, and my feelings are so much about him.
So, now I'm obsessing about how he sees my obsessive nature, and finds it displeasing. I can't really deny it. But I don't want him to feel that way.
Oh, and lest anyone think that I'm lying to myself, and that it really was King Kong that moved me to tears, I was flipping through the channels a few minutes ago, and the Christmas Carol being sung on the religious channel made me start to cry. So, yeah, I'm fucked.



So, I went out with the boy last night, and it went, just not well at all. I don't think I am quite up to blogging about it yet, but suffice it to say - NOT GOOD. Or more than that, because not only did nothing good happen, but bad things did happen, so... yuck.
Anyway, I was talking about to Alex earlier, and I said, and I meant it at the time, that I just felt numb about the whole thing. Like I didn't feel good, but it was like it wasn't hitting me emotionally.
I stayed home sick from work, because of a combination of my sickness, overtiredness, and bummed-out-ness. But then, I didn't want to just sit at home and stew, so I went to the movies and saw King Kong. Just before the movie's big climax, all of my feelings about last night and all of the hurt just hit me, and I started to cry. Hard. During King freaking Kong. I wanted to go to my neighboring moviegoers, and be like, "I'm not crying over a monkey. I swear." I didn't, of course, but I wanted to.
So, yeah, that's it. I'm sick, and my stomach hurts from sadness and disappointment.

Thursday, December 15, 2005



I'm sick.

As much as I'd like to believe that tonight will be the night I can finally manage to seduce the boy, I don't see it happening when I am so snotty and raspy.

And yes, I'm sure that my cold is the only reason that he won't succumb to my charms.


Wednesday, December 14, 2005


lies and other stuff

So, I don't know why I ever believe him at all. He specifically told me he was not doing anything tonight except cleaning his house and hanging out by himself.
THEN WHY HASN'T HE CHECKED HIS MYSPACE! If he were home, he'd be checking. And this time, it isn't just Myspace being stupid. He didn't have to tell me he wasn't doing anything, so why did he? Aaargh.

Plus, he emailed me about his Christmas present and said, "Man, I hope you enjoy going to the basketball game, because I will accept no Xmas presents from you, as wonderful and perfect as it might be." So, that sucks, too.

I hate it when he makes it hard to believe that everything will work out okay in the end.

I had dinner with Alex tonight. He pretty sweetly acts like he doesn't think I'm a total lunatic, even though he has in the past stated that I'm wasting my life. Which my roommate recently seconded. I hate how harsh that sounds. The best thing about Alex is that he can mostly tell me what he honestly thinks of me and my obsessive love for the boy, without making me feel like a dumbass loser or an unfun person. Not many people can pull that off. I'm lucky he sticks around despite my one-track minded insanity.



Here's why things are never going to change:
I wanted to hang out with the boy sometime this weekend before he goes home for the holidays. He decided that there were more important or fun things to do all weekend. So I get tomorrow night. And I wasn't happy about it, and he knew it.
But, I decided I had to let that go, and make the best of it, since it is my only chnace to see him before he goes.
I KNOW he isn't getting me a present at all, and didn't want anything from me. But then, I thought, you know, Dallas comes back into town to play the Clippers. And tickets really aren't TOO expensive. And I just couldn't help myself, so I bought them.
I know full well he will be more annoyed with me than he will be grateful, but I also know the tickets will make him happy, so I couldn't stop myself.
I can't not do things for him. And he can't do things for me.
Rock on.



My throat hurts, my head hurts, and I am in a bad mood.
Also, I barely got any sleep due to my roommate coming home at THREE IN THE MORNING and deciding to start playing music and talking on the phone.
Most of my friends are academics, so they don't really have a sense of what it means to have to go to work all-day everyday and have responsibilities. It is really annoying sometimes.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005



This is the kind of girl I can't help being: last night, before I went out, I saw that the Lakers were playing the Mavericks (his team) and it was on TV. And even though I knew he wouldn't respond, and I'm pretty unhappy with him these days, I texted him to make sure he knew it was on.
I just can't help myself.



Oh, so last night, I was chatting with my ex-boyfriend online. And I haven't seen him in a while (plus, as mentioned, I am trying hard to fill my life with non-the-boy-I-am-in-love-with things) so I was pushing him to get together. He wasn't really biting, though, and said he is just way too busy all the time.
Well, he got into a fight with one of his other ex-girlfriends a few minutes later, apparently, and called and asked if I wanted to have dinner, though he didn't have much time and it would have to be fast food. I said that was fine. We realized that Arrested Development was on, so he picked me up for In-n-Out, and we went and ate while we watched the show at his house. I knew he had work to do, plus he had been kind of paying me weird compliments, so as soon as the show was over, I started getting ready to head out. He asked me if I wanted to see his vacation pictures, though, so I said yes. As soon as I sat down at the computer to look at the pictures, he handed me some pot. Now, who is going to say no to that? Besides people who don't smoke pot, I mean. So, we got high, which is fun and fine and all, but for the highness I had to pay the price of a) his kind of strange and weird stand-up routine behavior and b) a 90 minute presentation of his vacation photos set to music (i.e. surfing pictures went with a surfing song, sunrise pictures went with a song about the sun, etc. etc). Then, he started going through his email inbox showing me spam emails he had received that he thinks are funny. I couldn't take it anymore, and said I didn't want to sit and watch him read his emails anymore. (I should note that I really was quite high, and at that moment, I was convinced he was deliberately trying to make me be bored and miserable - thank goodness I didn't say that out loud.)
So, he took me home and he was still being really weird and singing, and I really thought I was going to have to fend off an advance from him. When we got to my house, he just kept going and going and I couldn't rudely get out of the car.
Then, he told me that he has a date on Friday night. So I said I thought that was great. And he kind of hemmed and hawed, and told me it wasn't a first date at all, it's a date with his new girlfriend.
That's great. I'm fine with it. But I seriously need to re-evaluate my ability to read people at all if the whole time I was like, "uh oh, he's gonna hit on me", he was actually being nice and offering me drugs and stalling because he was scared to tell me he had a girlfriend.
He's a great guy, and I hope he is happy with the new girl. So long as he doesn't completely ditch me now that the has a chickie, I really don't think I have anything to be upset about. Except, of course, that he is one more person who is not me who is happy. Blah.
I guess it is partly because I am so impossible to please, but that doesn't really make me feel any better.



My boss is completely insane. Even though he knows I am not an accountant, have never even taken so much as a single class in accounting actually, he has deemed me to be the company's official "Half-Assed Accountant" until such time he feels like paying a real one. We are in serious tax trouble, and he just expects me to figure out the way to handle it.
This doesn't seem like the wisest plan to me, but what do I know. I'm only half-assed anyway, apparently.

Monday, December 12, 2005



So I'm really pretty high right now, and I just got home. And I can't help but fall into my usual "just got home" routine of checking up on the boy via my harmless little online spying. I'm realizing that this may not be the best state for such a boy-centric activity, though. As crazy, irrational and paranoid as I usually am, this is far worse. The scenarios running though my head about where he is spending his time and what he is up to are just no good.



All this stress has me chainsmoking, which I know is super bad. It is a waste of money, and I hate to spend money. And it isn't like I don't know how bad for you it is - my grandmother had her larynx removed because of smoking, and my mom has pre-emphysema. Usually, I'm one of those social smokers who could pick them up or put them down whenever. But right now, it is like "smoke or call the boy"... "smoke or scream about the the boy"... so smoke seems attractive.
Ugh. I need more plans with more people so I have less time to obsess.



So, it would appear that Myspace was just being fucked up, and that in fact, he was home and checking his account, if not during the day, at least during the evening yesterday.
Those Myspacers shouldn't mess with a girl's heart like that. I could have leaped off of a skyscraper in the meantime, I was so distraught. I should send them a strongly worded email about screwing with people's emotional and mental stability.
Or maybe I should just take a chill pill. But that seems unlikely. Hating Myspace feels more attainable.

Sunday, December 11, 2005



So, when I was on the phone with the boy earlier, he hung up really abruptly. Like, "Okay. Bye. (Click)." Super fast. And I wasn't really that thrown by it. I even considered that he got another call, and was okay with that possibility. I do know that he has other friends.
But now, I see that he hasn't checked his Myspace at all since early afternoon, just before he called me. He had said he was going to be working on finishing his paper all day today, then starting to study for his German final. If he were at home, working on a paper, working on his computer, he would be checking his Myspace hourly. That's just how it goes. Even my far-less-analytic-of-every-move-he-makes friends agree that it means he ended up doing something else.
But now, though I've put it off all day, my mind is finally getting around to the "who called... where did he go... what is he doing" questions that are likely to drive me completely insane. To me, he was busy and doing work. To them, he was available to come out. This stuff just gets to me.
I lose it when I don't see or talk to him, then I lose it based on the things he does and say when I do. It's a great way to be, huh?



He says I'm apocalyptic. Nobody else calls me that, though I don't doubt that some of my closer friends would agree with the sentiment.

I say he is a liar. And I know nobody who really knows him would question that.

I think it shows how close we are that we say these things straight out to each other. Of course, the way we don't pull any punches doesn't necessarily make the path to being with each other any smoother or easier to follow.

I'm sure he'd probably prefer a girl who wouldn't question or challenge him, only tell him how wonderfully cool he is. He is "cool"; I admit it. I just tend to think of that as one of his weaknesses rather than a strength.

And I guess I feel like the best selling point I have is that I know who he really is and love him just like that, flaws and all. I wish that he saw it that way. For some stupid reason, though, he just doesn't.



The boy called this afternoon, so I don't have to boycott him any longer. He was much more normal than the last time we talked. I just don't know what to make of him. Initially, he said that he really did just stay in and do work all weekend, which I, of course, knew not to be true. Even then, though, I really didn't call him on it (though I couldn't help getting a bit bitchier when I knew he was lying to me). He told me eventually what he really did, which seems to be just a hodgepodge of watching basketball on TV and going to bars. Yeah, I can see how that would be so much more appealing than spending time with me. Whatever.
There's apparently some girl who is trying hard to get with him. He says he is crazy and he doesn't like her, but it still kind of bugs me. And I wonder why he would tell me stuff like that in the first place.
Meanwhile, my roommate's boy has not called her at all this weekend. She's trying to play it off to me like she doesn't care, but wow, can I see her totally dissolving. She says she has to handle these periods where he doesn't call her "maturely", but it seems to me like she's just in denial.
She's like perma-pissy, and calling everyone she knows to discuss him (though she won't bring it up to me, since she is trying to prove a point about how fine she is compared to me). I know I am emotionally erratic and I go off a bit too quickly sometimes, but I have to think it is better than pretending to be fine while I'm really unravelling. I'm always ready to admit when I am spiralling out of control, and she is trying so hard to hide it, even from herself. I guess she and I just handle things in opposite ways.



Haven't heard from the boy since that unpleasant conversation Thursday night. And I really had no reason to expect to, though some part of me did foolishly continue to hope to.
I've been trying to fill every minute so I don't turn into a pathetic marshmallow who calls him back so he can be shitty to me some more. I've managed it so far, but then, it has only been two and a half days. If I'd let myself have any downtime at all, I probably wouldn't even have lasted this long. This weekend, I've been out to dinner with my friends, went to a bar I'd never been to on the other side of town (called Father's Office, which was totally lame atmosphere wise, but had little boxes of Trivial Pursuit cards you could play with, which very much pleased nerdy little me), drove all the way down to Newport Beach to see the John Waters exhibit at the Orange County Museum of Art, went to dinner way over at the Huntington Beach Pier, and then went to a show, of which I knew not one single band, just to get out of the house. And the sad thing is, I don't think I've been very pleasant through any of it. It distracts me enough to get me to not physically pick up the phone, but not enough so that I've actually stopped thinking about him at all.
Today, though, I go pick Alex up at the airport in a little bit, and then... that's it. I've got nothing but time to think about missing the boy, and think about what he is doing without me, and so forth and so on... If I get through the rest of the day without calling him, it will be a miracle. And of course, if I've been trying to make any kind of point by not calling, I don't think it will be a very emphatic one if I can only manage two days.

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