Friday, December 09, 2005



My roommate says, "I wish that I could make him stop hurting you. I wish that I could make you magically over him until a time when he is mature enough to realize that you're the girl for him."

It is sweet, but it doesn't really help.



I called every one of my friends who knows him to ask who this new girl is. Everyone says they don't know. I'm aware that it doesn't actually matter and it won't really help to have a face to put on her. But I feel like I need that. I need her to be a person who is stealing what I love.

He likes me less every day.

He said that, then said it was a joke, the other day.

Judging by last night, by the last few days in general, I think it is probably true.

Every part of me seriously aches right now. How does that work?

Thursday, December 08, 2005



I talked to the boy tonight. It did not go well. And I don't mean in a "we had a fight" way, or "I did something stupid" way. Somehow, I'd almost rather it was like that. Instead, he was just, I don't know, looking for a fight. But not in the fun, banter way. In the really just not caring kind of way. He didn't seem that interested in talking at all, really.
He mentioned that he had gone to dinner with "a friend". Experience has taught me that he is only vague and mysterious like that when he has to be. And I tried to be nonchalant and cool about it, but even that didn't seem to matter to him. I don't know why - was his mind still on the friend? is he stressed about telling me? does he just not give a fuck at all?
And when we got off the phone, for the second conversation in a row, he ended it with, "call me whenever." I dread his "call me whenever" like more than anything, because he only says it when he is going into the mode where he never calls and he rarely returns mine, and he just doesn't make any effort at all. And I feel it coming on. I remember what it feels like. And my chest is tightening up. That burn of sadness is back again.
I want to like call him back again, and just pick a fight, scream at him, anything to erase the nothingness, the coldness of the conversation earlier. I want to know who he went to dinner with, and I want him to tell me he never wants to go to dinner with her again. I want him to want to see me this weekend.
I'm fucking losing it. And I never even had him. Not even for a minute. It fucking destroys me. I seriously, I would take it, just one minute to know what it feels like to have him want me back the way I want him. Something more than having spent the last two years of my life completely in love with someone who really doesn't love me back. That can't be true. I can't let it be.



About this time last year, I was sort of halfway-dating, though really more just fooling around with an old boyfriend of mine. The kid was a total alcoholic, and a bit of a druggie, and had spent some time in jail for domestic assault, but was really really good looking and could be a lot of fun when he wasn't completely out of control.
Well, he eventually got back together with the pretty little bulimic girlie girl he had been arrested for assaulting months before, and our association ended. A few months later I got an email from her accusing me of sleeping with her fiancee, which is interesting and not quite right, but whatever. It's strange to me that you get back together with the person you get thrown in jail, but to each their own.

Well, out of idle curiosity, I checked her AOL profile to see how they were doing, and it says something like, "with my lovely man. i LUV him so much". And... how do THESE people get a happy ending and I don't?? Am I really less deserving? Wow. That is a tough one to take.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005



I'm just too sad and high on painkillers (and seriously, I'm ready for my dentist to just pull all my teeth and be done with it) to do much of anything. I went for a walk, watched Lovely and Amazing (liked it, but not nearly so much as Walking and Talking) and then Veronica Mars. And I'm exhausted. I've just got nothing in me for anything or anyone right now.
My dear friend Danielle wrote me today, and said, "I still think that at this point he doesn't deserve you at all b/c you seem to have done everything but throw yourself at him and well...he clearly has blinders on and can't see what's in front of him. He's had YEARS to figure it out and hasn't. He may be 'brilliant' (also debatable) in some ways but so blatantly dim in matters pertaining to you. Frankly, I don't like it. Either he is well aware of your feelings and is keeping you close b/c he likes knowing someone is so into him or he is very very blind. Whichever way you read it, I don't think it makes him look terribly good. Sorry Heidi, I just hate that someone has this power over you when you haven't even been dating. You're too strong for it. I keep hoping the kick ass, likes to wear black, and listen to indie girl anger music Heidi is going to rebel against him and MAKE HIM want you for a change. I wonder what would happen?"
Was I ever kickass? Maybe I was for a minute? But I don't feel that way anymore, and don't really remember what it felt like then. Now I'm just tired. And sad sad sad all the time.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005



I really can't concentrate on doing work. I keep getting more and more work piled up on my desk, and yet I can't bring myself to do any of it. I just keep going back and checking for emails that nobody's writing to me. It's like my brain is broken. Not that that is very unusual.
Incidentally, I found pictures of the Wednesday night where the boy was snubbed in favor of his friend on the internet. Do you see why it is my boyfriend? It doesn't want me to miss a minute of the delicious hurt of being rejected by the boy I'm in love with. It supports my masochism.
It is funny - I already knew the whole story, but the pictures really make it come alive. I keep looking at them. That is not healthy.



On Thursday, after my marathon day at work, I met my roommate and her friend for a drink. When I got there, the boy I'm in love with turned out to be there as well. He seemed really down, and most especially down on himself. I had been pretty sure there was a girl in the picture (and had some educated stalking guesses as to who she was), so that seemed a little strange. He asked me to go outside for a cigarette and more or less revealed that he had gotten rejected. Later, he elaborated that he had gone out with her and some other friends the night before and she had gone home with one of his male friends. He felt snubbed and unattractive. And I, horrible little brat that I am, totally rejoiced that she was out of the picture.
Well, Saturday night, the boy and I had plans to hang out. When he called in the afternoon to figure out what we were going to do, he seemed all halfway ready to bail and "nothing sounds good", and I got really really mad at him. We did end up going out, and (this part is my fault) at my insistence, he took me to one of his cool kid bars on the east side, in Chinatown.
When we were there, he told me that it had all been a misunderstanding and that though the girl had left with his friend she didn't really LEAVE with his friend, and that she still liked him. Great. Then he saw the guy that she had left with, a guy named Joe, across the room, and pointed him out to me. Great. I don't like this people to be real and in person; I prefer to think of them as fictional constructs. Anyway, though, the boy didn't much want to talk to Joe anyway, so we decided to go to a different part of the bar. Meanwhile, the boy revealed that he KNEW the girl still liked him since she had asked him to go to a party with her. Wham. Of course. The reason he was trying to bail on me. Even though I knew, I asked him when the party was, and he said it was that night. So fricking predictable.
We decided to go outside for a cigarette, but I had to pee first. When I left the ladies', he was standing right there waiting for me, and for a split second, I thought, "wow, what a good boy". Then I realized he was talking to someone, talking to a girl. She looked vaguely familiar, but she wasn't someone I knew from my stalking. Well, I go up to them, and he introduces me, then HANDS ME THE CIGARETTES so I can go outside and smoke while he stays and talks to her. That's when I knew I was in trouble.
By the time he came outside and was all, "that was her," I was halfway ready for it. But it still stung like a motherfucker. I called my roommate and asked her to come and kill me. She came, but only for moral support, not to kill me. The girl never came back over to us again, as the boy noted, much to his chagrin, she probably thought I was his (oh the horror) date. He said it is okay, though, he'll just work the jealousy angle. Awesome.
The thing is, after that point, as much as I was still reeling, and I drank WAY too much to compensate, we really did have a pretty fun time. We joked, he showed me he wasn't wearing any underwear, my roommate showed, and even she was in good spirits.
Then it came time to drive home. And I was a drunker driver than I should have been. I went back to the boy's house and we had McDonald's. He said he really thought I should stay over, and that I could sleep on the couch. I was considering it, but then he added, "or you can just go knock on Michael's door. He won't turn you away." And I was so mad, so furious, I couldn't stay there a minute longer.
He tried to convince me again to stay, but I told him, in probably my scariest voice that I did not want to sleep in his house. And then I left. Always on a high note.

Monday, December 05, 2005



I met the girl who my boy is all about right now on Saturday. There's a whole story that I will write later, but I'm at work and don't have proper time now.
Suffice it to say, though, that she is both hotter and cooler than me. Even though she is also something of an obnoxious poser-type as well. Hell, that is probably even more of a selling point for him.

Cooler than me, I can shrug off. I don't give a shit about that (even though he does). I just don't know how to compete with hotter than me.

Meeting her is also the reason that I was so hung over ALL DAY yesterday, that I couldn't blog about Saturday night then.


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