Saturday, November 26, 2005

 

white

I went out with the boy last night. We went to the movies, which was fun. Then we played pool, which was super fun. Then we went back to his house and drank beers. And I was teasing him about drugs, since there are all these jokes about how out of control he is, and these jokes about him doing drugs. And I was kidding him about how mad I would be if he ever did coke, and he told me he has. At least once. Recently.
I don't know. I lost my shit. He seemed to think I was overreacting, but I was just so shocked. I know he has been partying more lately, but I just think of him as too smart to do that stuff. I got really really upset about it, and we ended up talking about my being worried about him until 5 in the morning. He says he is glad I care, but that it really isn't a big deal, and if I worry about him, he'll have to worry about my worrying.
Then he got all passive aggressive and was like, "I guess you hate me now since I'm such a drug addict." I couldn't even cover. I just said that I love him a lot, and that I couldn't be okay if anything happened to him, and so I am worried now. I can't stop. He's so important to me. I can't stop being freaked. If anything happened to him, I would be crushed. So I'm sad and upset about the boy in a very different way than I usually am.

 

boy

The boy finally called tonight. As I thought, he had not been doing so because he was upset at me. After his birthday party, I had written him an email asking him why he liked me least of everybody. It was a stupid, drunk thing to do. I just felt after I had taken him to the party, bought him a cake and lots of presents, that I ended up getting the cold shoulder from him while other people were treated with warmth and affection.
Talking to him today, we didn't really make much headway, because his only defense was basically that he thought it was all in my head. He says it really frustrates him that I feel that way, and he just doesn't know what he could change to make me feel better.
I don't know. I guess there is nothing to be done. It wasn't the smartest or most productive of the many stupid drunken emails I have sent him.
He did tell me one thing that was sort of funny, in a rip your heart out kind of way. We left the party early because he was so colossally wasted. I guess all of his cool kid friends, the ones who don't know me, thought we were leaving the party so that we could go get it on. That was the vibe we give, apparently.
He said he had to spend most of the day convincing them otherwise, and that it was really hard to do, since they were entirely convinced we must have gone home to fuck. He said, "Don't worry. I saved your reputation, even though it didn't do mine any favors." I just laughed weakly and said, "yeah, thanks." What else could I do?

Friday, November 25, 2005

 

sting

I really don't know what is wrong with me today. I think, even though nothing truly horrible has happened, my hope is dying again. Which makes this huge difference. It's not like I haven't been sad or crying over the boy in the last few months, but I think I've really had this underlying optimism that he was going to come around. And when you have that, the sad stuff doesn't feel so terrible. But now, it is like the sting is back - the kind of sadness that makes your whole chest ache.

I just need to let him cross my mind, and the tears start up again, and I feel like my heart is going to seize up and stop beating. These are not good days.

 

nothing

I'm too sad to even blog.

I think I pissed the boy off. He's not talking to me. Stupid drunken emailing.

Maybe I'll talk about it later.

I can't even think about it without tearing up. I can't calm down.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

 

trick

I caught three of my friends lying to me yesterday, all about related, if not exactly the same thing. I know some people would rather be lied to, or be spared the pain of knowing hard truths, but if these people were really my friends, they would be well aware by now that I am not one of those people.

And each one had their own individual motive for lying, be it, to save themselves grief, to protect my feelings, or because they are plain inconsiderate. But it just ends up making me mad at all of them. All of them. And I want to cry, I'm so frustrated and upset.

A day after buying myself a pretty new outfit and fancy make-up for the boy's birthday party, I don't even feel like going.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

 

buzzkill

Went over to my ex-boyfriend's to hang out and smoke pot. The boy called while I was there, and because of my incapicated mental state, I made the bonehead decision to answer the phone.

The boy was mad that I was at my ex-boyfriend's, who he thinks is not such a cool guy. My ex-boyfriend was peeved that I spent so long on the phone with the boy, since I'm pretty sure he suspects how I feel about him, even though I've never said so.

I tried to patch it up with both of them, but I don't think I did such a bang-up job.

Once I was off the phone with the boy, I just wanted to go home, but I had to wait until I felt sober enough to drive. That was a long and uncomfortable time. I think my ex thought we would hook up again. After I talked to the boy, though, there was just no way.

Don't get me wrong, a hook up wasn't hugely likely before, but hearing the boy's voice, and his disappointment in me for being there really kind of finalized that decision.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

 

far

Wow. I'm pathetic. I called him. I guess, given that he had ignored my attempts to get in touch with him through every other avenue available to me, I just had to make it a clean sweep. Why isn't he talking to me?!?!!?

 

nothing

I haven't heard from the boy since Friday night. I'm beginning to wonder if Juanito's words got to him, too, but in the opposite way. Maybe I didn't hide my feelings as well as I should have. I guess maybe he's just been busy (perhaps sleeping with models, his new goal in life), but I can't help feeling paranoid.
I've emailed, texted, and sent him a Myspace message, and I haven't heard back from him at all.
Even more strange is the fact that he has STILL not send out his birthday invitation email. What is up with that? I don't know what is going on, and not knowing drives me up the wall. I am not a patient person. I would very much like to call him, even though I know that is a colossally shitty idea.

 

down

People are so disappointing. I had spoken to my ex-boyfriend last night. He said he thought he was going to see an old friend tonight, but asked, if he didn't, if I might like to hang out. It was all going to be dependent on whether his other plans came together or not, but since I didn't have anything else to do, I was fine with that.
Now, we didn't end up hanging out, and that's totally great, fine, and to be expected. But he didn't even call to tell me that his other plans worked out, and he wouldn't be needing me as a backup plan anymore. And that, I find really annoying. I even called him, just to give him the chance to tell me, but he didn't answer, and didn't ever call back.
I just happened to see him online, and even then, he didn't even bother to write to me, until I started writing to him. When I did, he was like, "I'm really drunk and heading out to another party now. See ya!"
It's not like I needed to hang out with him. I was fine just staying at home and being chill. But I'm still really annoyed with him now. It really pisses me off when people treat me shittily when they don't even have to.
I think I'm just going to go to bed early now. Blah.

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