Saturday, November 19, 2005



Next week is the boy's birthday party. He is having it on Wednesday night, since most everyone has Thursday off for Thanksgiving. When I told my roommate this, she threw a total hissyfit, since that is apparently not the best day for her. Now, that's fine - she's entitled to her opinion. But she wanted me to try go get him to switch the day. Her excuse when I told her she was being lamely selfish was that she wasn't just thinking of herself and that she thought that lots of people probably wouldn't be able to go on Wednesday, since they would be going home for Thanksgiving, plus it was no good because it was in the middle of the week. She suggested that I try to get him to move it to Friday. Now, I ask, if it was really about the people who are going home for Thanksgiving, isn't it likely that they would still be away on Friday? But, whatever, I told her I wasn't going to do it, and that I thought it was completely ridiculous that she was trying to make his birthday about what was best for her. We were both pretty mad, but we ultimately settled down.
Come to find out, when I went out with the boy last night, that she had appealed to him herself to move the party TO TUESDAY. TUESDAY! Which last I checked, was also in the middle of the week. And I, like most people who aren't free bird grad students, have to get up early for work on Wednesday. I had to fight really hard not to let show to him how completely pissed off at her that made me. What the hell. If he himself had chosen to have it on Tuesday, that's his choice, because it is his birthday. But for her to meddle and try to make it so... that's just so ridiculously selfish and so her, it makes me want to deck her.
When I came home, I called her on it, and her response was basically, "yeah, so???..." When I reminded her that I would have work the next day, and that would totally suck for me, she was totally flippant, telling me to "just take the day off or call in sick or something". I'm beginning to think her spoiled little perpetual student self is getting a little too out of touch with the real world. As if she needs any personality quirks that further turn her into a selfish bitch. She's already got plenty.
I just shut the door on her, because I think she's completely ridiculous. And she says, through the door, "besides it wasn't my idea that he move the date of the party. I just added my agreement."
Now, I don't want to call her a liar, because I feel like I'm already insulting her more than enough here. But, if that was true, I'm pretty sure that is what the boy would have told me. He's got absolutely no reason to lie about it. She, on the other hand, does.
It just makes like my skin crawl with anger, that she gives so little consideration to what anyone who isn't her wants. And that she'll lie to pretend she didn't.
Oh, and her really GREAT reason why she doesn't want the party to be on Wednesday - is because she wants to go get pizza with her brother. Totally more important than one of her friend's birthdays. But, whatever, she wants to choose that, then just CHOOSE THAT. That she'd knowingly decide to fuck me over to make sure she gets everything she wants exactly the way she wants it is completely lame, and sadly unsurprising.



So, I picked up the boy last night, and he was, as anticipated, already completely drunk. I was pretty bitchy to him all through dinner, to express how annoyed I was, but then I let it go, because I wanted to at least TRY to have some fun.
We went to this totally dive bar that I'd never been to before, but I guess he used to frequent with another girl. The regulars were drunk, old, and somewhat toothless. Which is fine, I can enjoy local color as much as anyone.
Well, we went and sat down at a table and the people at the next table over started making (very drunken conversation). One drunken fellow in particular, named Juanito, was especially talkative. To perhaps illustrate Juanito's state, I had to be introduced to him about 3 times before he remembered that we had introduced ourselves.
Well, after about 15 minutes, Juanito decided to announce to us his theory of our relationship. He said, "so, you two have never hooked up, but you both want to." And I was humiliated, but tried to just subtly shake my head like I had never even considered such a ridiculous notion. And he just continued on aobut how even our reactions gave us away. And he went on and on and on. About the point where he was saying to the boy that I'm quite attractive, so he should be happy, Juanito caught him self, and asked if he wasn't stepping on any toes. The boy's answer: "No way, man. You want her, go ahead and take her. She's all yours."
I'm really shy around strangers, especially loud and drunken ones, so I hadn't been saying much at all. At this point, I just glared at the boy, and told him I couldn't believe he had fucking said that, and that he was a fucking asshole. The drunken people kind of laughed and backed off. Granted, part of my sad was that he was in effect rejecting me again, but I still feel like it was a mean thing to say, irregardless of my feelings for him.
Juanito wandered over a little while later, after things had settled down between the boy and myself a bit, and he sort of whispered in the boy's ear: "She's gonna love you forever, dude. You're a lucky man." At which point, I excused myself to go cry in the bathroom.
Later, the boy was talking about how he just doesn't want to hurt people or make them feel bad (in an entirely different context) and I said, "oh, like hurting them by offering them up to drunken strangers for your own amusement?" I think he got it then, how crappy what he did was.
It was just a sad and embarrassing night on so many levels.
I talked to Alex about it and he said I should accept it as a sign of things being truly over. But he just wasn't paying enough attention to Juanito, the drunken sage. I'll love the boy forever.

Friday, November 18, 2005



... and I hate him again.

I had emailed the boy a list of choices of things to do for tonight, and he totally emailed me back, non-answering about how he wants to drink alcohol and that was about it.

I decided, for a change, to make him call me to figure out what the hell we are going to do, since I'm annoyed with him, and it really shouldn't be this difficult.

He calls be back DRUNK AT A BAR AT 5:30. Already, I'm kind of mad. He says he doesn't know why I didn't write him back about tonight, which makes NO SENSE AT ALL. And now, he wants to like... do nothing. Go to a crappy hamburger restaurant in his neighborhood, and that's it. And he doesn't want to do it for a few hours yet, so he can stay at the bar and drink with his friends more.

I want to chuck him through a wall. I'm so mad I want to cry.

He's a total fuckwit.



I think on my earlier list of things that were unpleasant about today, I forgot to mention that, because I was running so late, I was not able to get coffee this morning.
I have become one of those people who can't function without coffee. It is really pathetic and sad. I'm ready to put my head down on my desk and take a nap.
I don't know how I am going to get myself in any kind of shape to see the boy. But I'll be damned if I pass up any opportunity to spend time with him.



I was out late last night, so I am super tired. My head hurts. I have a toothache. I've got no money and I'm in a bad mood. I'm on antibiotics, so I'm supposed to avoid alcohol and take it easy.

I'm going to see the boy tonight. So, as much as every ounce of reason and good sense I have tells me I should just stay home and take it easy, or at least do something low-key, I won't. If he wants to drink alcohol, I'll drink alcohol. If he wants to stay out late, I'll soak up every minute.

Because that is what I do, how I'm built.

Thursday, November 17, 2005



My roommate has a boy. He calls her without provocation. He says cute things to her. He wants to spend time with her and give her kisses.

I have only the desire for my boy. I'm always the one who calls. He does like to spend time with me, but I'm always the one asking. And he doesn't ever give me kisses.


She is consumed with the fact that her boy doesn't really like her. She's talking to other guys and constantly looking for signs and reasons that it isn't going to work.

While I continue insisting that my boy loves me deep down, even though he doesn't know it yet, and that everything is going to work out in the end.

We're mixed up a bit, I think.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005



Again, tonight, I spoke to the boy on the phone for well over an hour. Again, we didn't fight at all, and it just felt good. And it truly is kind of great, but then I do wonder if I've fallen in love with someone who really should just be my best friend. I don't know the answer.
It's just talking to him, when it's going well... it's so awesome. We just make sense to each other, and we can be stupid, and we laugh, and tell each other all this random stuff. But he's having the same conversation I'm having, and it isn't making him think of me as any more than a friend. Mostly, I think that's his mistake. But maybe it's mine. Maybe I'm confused and it isn't love at all. It's just great friendship. Can that be true?

I don't think so. It feels like more than that to me. We just make so much sense together. It's in the way he loves to tease me, and I enjoy getting mad at him for it, and he likes the way I get mad, and then he gets me to laugh again and we start all over. To most outsiders, it doesn't make sense. But it totally works for us. He can make me happier or sadder than anyone else. That can't just be friendship, can it?



For some reason, I have a tremendous urge to smoke pot today. I don't even really like smoking pot that much, so I don't know where this desire came from. And I almost certainly won't actually do it. It's just a very strange feeling I have today. I kind of wonder if it is just the zombie-like state of uncaring that seems so attractive to me. I think I've spent the last several days with like every muscle in my body clenched up in embarrassment or upsetness or whatever. And I just want the world to not matter so much.
There's got to be a better way. Seems like most of my coping strategies are fairly self-destructive, though. That is just the way I'm built.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005



So, I was a totally good girl tonight, which probably doesn't make for all that exciting of a blog entry, but almost certainly is the best thing for my mental health. My ex-boyfriend came over, we went to the movies and saw Bee Season (which is almost mind-numbingly bad, by the way), had dinner, then came back to my place so he could do various handyman projects for me. I appreciate it enormously, since I suck at all such projects, and it makes him happy to feel macho and manly. So, it's win/win.

And there was no alcohol and no drugs, so nobody could do anything stupid. I mean, I guess I don't need alcohol or drugs to do stupid stuff. I've been known to pull a bonehead move totally sober, too. But tonight, it was all good. So hopefully I can get restful sleep that it isn't clouded all up with thoughts of yuckiness. Maybe. Of course, I have a pretty good reserve of bad choices to pick from lately, so one night of being good might not turn the tide.



I'm hanging out with my ex-boyfriend tonight. If I can just manage to avoid getting drunk, getting high, or getting laid, I will have done myself proud for one night. And I can pretend, for a moment in time, that I am a good person.

Wish me luck.



I don't know. I felt better after I talked to the boy I'm in love with last night. But maybe I shouldn't have. I mean, I'm letting him be just my friend, when what I really want is for him to realize he loves me. And if I let things stay in this really close friend zone, maybe he'll never be moved to realize that his feelings are actually stronger than that.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it altogether. I do that sometimes.

Monday, November 14, 2005



I talked to the boy I'm in love with tonight for a couple of hours. That helped take my mind off my humiliation for at least a few minutes at a time. I actually did tell him about what happened last night, which I didn't think I would. But the thing I forget with all my obsessing about being in love with him is that he's also one of my closest friends. And I needed that part of him tonight. He was pretty great, too. He teased me a little bit, but was mostly pretty cool and made jokes and told me stories to help keep me from completely beating myself up. For the most part.
Although, I should have seen this coming - he compared what I did last night to his comment about me taking advantage of him last month. He told me how embarrassed he was, but reminded me that I was totally cool about it and everything worked out fine. Which is... you know, probably pretty apt, if you compare HIS attitude toward that comment to mine last night. I may not want it to be so apt, because I would prefer that he said his thing out of deepseated lust for me that was boiling under the surface, but what are you going to do.
The less enjoyable part of the conversation is when we went through the laundry list of all the chicks who are into him. I don't know if it was because he was trying to distract me, or he thought it might cheer me up if he opened up to me a bit, but he told me all the details of which of the first year girls he is into and what happened Thursday night, and also mentioned some other girls who have been kind of digging on him lately. And I did a good job of listening and responding like a regular friend, rather than like a girl who wants to claw all their eyes out. I guess I feel like I have enough friendships that are either on the rocks or tenuous right now. I'm not going to mess things up with the boy. Even if that means I have to pretend like it doesn't hurt my heart when he talks about other girls.



I left work early for a dentist's appointment, so I've been home for a couple hours now. I'm thinking about last night less and less, though I still get a fresh flush of embarrassment each time it crosses my mind again. I'm the kind of person who just can not forget like any mistake I ever make. I'm still haunted by the errors I made in front of the class in like, second grade. Embarrassment just clings to me. And I think a lot of people are somewhat like that, but I'm even worse than most. I'm gonna try to forget all about it. Which is what should happen. It was a drunken mistake, and I shouldn't let it get to me so much. But I know myself, and that just won't work.

I want the boy I'm in love with to come over and give me a hug, and tell me it is okay that I did a stupid thing. Of course, that would require my telling him what I'd done and his becoming a completely different person than the one he currently is. So, it seems unlikely.

I just want to take a nap and wake up yesterday.

Also, I still have to figure out what I'm going to tell the boy I'm in love with about the misguided email I sent him the other night. (Wow. I really was batting a thousand this weekend, wasn't I?) I tried to play it off, but he wasn't biting. He wants an explanation. I don't have one. So, that should be a delightful conversation as well.



I told my friend Eric about what happened last night, expecting empathy and "aww poor thing." Instead, he laughed. Many many times. My story apparently brightened his day. Why do people, even friends who care about you, find such humor in your misfortune? I feel like it is kind of human nature. And even I, on some level, see the humor. Sort of. A little bit.
But right now I'm miserable, so I want everyone to feel sad for me for being a fuck-up. Not "haha. what an amusingly adorable fuckup you are!"
I know he doesn't mean any harm, and I'm certainly not mad at him. Still, though, can't a girl get a little sympathy for drunken mistakes???



Now, in the sober light of day, thinking about last night is so humiliating that I can't even breathe. I seriously laugh about it one second, and want to cry the next. I've no idea what I was doing. Usually, I do things that are mildly strange, stupid or self-destructive, but last night was a real prizewinner.
I mean, it'd be one thing if it was the boy I'm in love with. Probably still a dumb idea, but you know, at least that'd make some kind of sense. But Alex is my friend. I'm not pining for him or lusting after him or any such thing. I swear, it was like alcohol psychosis or something. What was I doing?
But second-guessing doesn't erase it. And I'm seriously just too embarrassed to live.



I fucked up tonight. A lot.
I drank all day with Alex. And I was really bombed, but I... I acted in an inappropriate manner with him. He's like such a great friend, and a good guy, and somehow my appreciation of him and my tremendous affection for him sort of drunkenly became my desire to get it on with him.
He tried to be nice about it, and I like totally begged to spend the night with him and humiliated myself. And at that point, it really wasn't about being horny or wanting to have sex with him, really. It's just, he's this good thing in my life, this person that I really count on, and I just wanted to feel as close to that as I could. Of course, the way I try to cling to the things that mean the most to me is, as per usual, an excellent way to wreck them.
Even though I was so drunk that walking took concentration, I drove home, just to get the fuck out of there. I cried the whole way home. I am a human timebomb.

Sunday, November 13, 2005



Just got home from being out with the boy. Went to the movies, and drank a fair bit, though he certainly drinks a lot less with me than when he is trying to seduce the hot young things.

When arrived at home, sent him an email that was almost certainly as misguided as it was cryptic. So although I said things I shouldn't have said, he probably won't know what it means. I don't know if that is a comfort or not.

Probably not, huh? Wow. My ability to do stupid things is unparalleled the world round.

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