Saturday, November 12, 2005

 

slap

I'm hanging out with the boy tonight. Called him to figure out what we are going to do, and took a little time to tease him about his drunken karaoke-ing. Everyone else is doing it. Why shouldn't I?
And he got ridiculously irate, and said, "Why do you think I went? I'm not that nice." Like I didn't realize that he went because he was hot for the girls or something. Like that wasn't the whole point of the teasing. But it was just so nasty. It felt like getting smacked in the face.
He calmed down and refused to talk about what he said, only adding that he had been upset because he wasn't expecting to have to take it from me, too. I guess that's valid. But I still think his response was designed to injure. As if his wanting those girls wasn't injury enough.

 

gossip

So, apparently, I wasn't the only one noticing all the flirtation between the boy I'm love with and those little first year girls last night. His class had a meeting today, and from what I've heard, just about everyone was teasing him about it. I guess the group of people who went karaoke-ing picked up a bottle of maker's mark at this kid Daniel's house and continued getting bombed through the night. He says he didn't hook up with any of the girls, but he also doesn't remember which one of them gave him a ride to his car, or the drive home itself. So who the hell really knows, right?
I guess as much as people were teasing him, he was really uneasy with the topic and didn't give up much of anything about what did happen after they shifted venue.
This is all secondhand, but I highly doubt he is going to be more forthcoming with me about his lovelife than he was with his other friends. I usually get least of all of this stuff, for obvious reasons.
I hate these flirty pretty younger girls. I know it makes sense for them to want him because he is adorable and awesome, but I hate them anyway.

Friday, November 11, 2005

 

trying

I went to a bar night last night. It was really for UCLA students, but I got a friend to take me as his "date", since I had no work today and nothing to do last night. When I was on my way, I got a call from the boy telling me that he hadn't planned on going, but it turned out that he was, so I would see him there.
And mostly, it was all right. I got to see a lot of people I haven't talked to in a long time. Several people didn't even recognize me with my new hair, even people I've seen just recently, so that was pretty funny. And there was no real trouble with the UCLA people, which I had been a little worried about. Sometimes they make me want to throw things and hurt them.
But the boy... he had a lot of martinis. He was smoking a lot of cigarettes, which is a sure sign he was drunk. And he was fine when we were talking, but several times, he'd just wander off to hit on some pretty girl or another. He doesn't usually do that. And it isn't like they were coming after him - he was actively pursuing them. I know it is a totally normal thing to do for drunk young guys. But it isn't like him. I think it is a sign of how eager he is to have a girlfriend, and of how much he doesn't think I could ever be that girlfriend. And it was killing me, even though I think I was Oscar-worthy in acting like it wasn't.
At the end of the night, most of my friends had already gone, but I was chatting to a few people on the sidewalk, and the boy came up and put his arm around me. He invited me to go out to a karaoke club with him and the new kids (including the girls he had been chatting up). I graciously declined, and told him I was just going to go home. Usually, I'll take any way to extend my time with him, but I knew seeing him with them would just drive me crazy, eventually I wouldn't be able to keep up my "i don't care" act, and it would all fall to shit.
So, he gave me a hug good night, and then, standing just like a foot away from me, touched my hair, and said, "you look like an entirely different person". Like all seriously and intently. And I didn't even know what to say. I just kind of smiled. It was kind of sweet and painfully awkward at the same time. But then I had to break away, turn around and go home. And leave him to those stupid girls. Because that was the right thing to do. The smart thing to do. Yuck.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

 

search

Stupid Myspace. Found like every ex-boyfriend I ever had, or at least more than half of them, on there. That really cheered me right the fuck up.
They're all so happy and settled. What's WITH that?

I need someone to cheer me up right now before I lose my shit.

 

dud

So, my night has been continuing to progress in a totally delightful direction.

I had a halfhearted fight with the ex-boyfriend I recently slept with. Which might even be sadder than a real fight, where at least you get the rush of emotion. This was just so disappointingly blah.

Which would also be a fair way to describe the conversation I had with the boy I'm in love with. He kind of made mention of hanging out this weekend, but said he couldn't commit to a day because he said there is "a friend I need to see." Who talks that vaguely, seriously. He wouldn't put it in such a mysterious way to anyone else. It's meant to protect himself from my insanity, I guess, but it just makes me more insane.
I couldn't help myself and had to ask who the friend was, and then when he told me, there was a whole big misunderstanding where he thought I was accusing him of lying about it. I wasn't, really, or I did think he was lying, but in a smartass way, not in a trying to convince me of something that's not true kind of way. It was all just lovely.
Then, he told me not to refrain from making other plans, because he doesn't want to keep from doing stuff. He said he thinks he does that too much already. I don't think I need to explain how much I truly hate when he says things like that. When I asked what that meant, even though I already know, he refused to answer. It was just all so unsatisfying.

So, I'm still here, just lying in bed and sulking about everything.

 

quiet

I'm beginning to settle in to life that is not constantly filled with work to do. But I think it is really easy for boredom to be a natural segway for depression. And as hard as I am trying not to let that happen, I don't think I'm doing so hot.
I just have this horrible "there's no one to talk to, there's nothing to do, my life is so boring because I have nothing that is mine" kind of feeling. Which isn't very fun.
I'll probably give in and call the boy soon, in a last ditch effort to cheer myself up. That's real likely to work. Ha.
I just don't know what else to do to distract myself though. At least he is a concrete thing to feel sad about, instead of just feeling sad in general.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

 

over

Today at work never got better, and by the time I left was a walking timebomb. Instead of throwing a big fit at the first person foolish enough to approach me, though, I decided to try to be positive.
So, my things to be happy about from this evening:
I went shopping and found the new Dressy Bessy CD used for only 5 dollars.
I ate tons and tons of bad for me food from The Pig for dinner.
I managed to straighten my hair in only 45 minutes, down from about 2 hours last night.
And I watched Northfork, which wasn't a perfectly great movie, but was really pretty to look at.

I'm still doomed to go back to my cruddy work tomorrow, and no day that I don't talk to the boy can be all that good. But I'm surviving. For now.

 

going

And my lucky streak continues as today is such a crappy day at work, that I feel like I might throw up.
And though I won't be sure until tomorrow, I'm pretty sure basically everyone's paychecks bounced, including my own.
My boss is being an asshole, and pissed off the one real customer we have.
I also feel yucky physically.
Something good needs to happen, pronto.
Or I am going to burst into tears and never stop.

Monday, November 07, 2005

 

done

I'm shutting off the game. I can't look anymore.

And I refuse to walk by any mirrors, because I'll just get upset at my hair.

I'm just going to sit in the dark and sulk for the rest of the night.

 

disaster

So, not only did my new haircut not make the boy fall in love with me, but now I have to figure out how to take care of short hair with bangs, which I have never had anything remotely like before. I have no clue, which made the big change seem brave in the abstract, but disastrously stupid in reality. I've been futzing with it for over two hours, and I can't make myself be happy with it. I'm driving myself completely insane.
I get more and more stressed out and crazy, and I mess with it more and more. And it still doesn't look right, so i get more stressed out and crazy. I'm ready to shave it all off, because I can't do this everyday.
Oh, and while I'm doing this insanity ritual, the Patriots are losing. Which makes me that much more upset and emotional. I can't calm down at all.

So, I'm basically a basketcase because of my fucking hair. I'm going to start crying any second. Clearly, this is a sign of severe mental instability.

 

unveiled

Yesterday, the boy called and asked me to pick him up from the airport. Of course, I was willing to drop everything and go get him at his scheduled arrival time of about 9:30 p.m. Well, then weather hit NY or whatever, and he was stuck waiting on the runway for 3 hours. He called to say I didn't have to pick him up so late, since I get up at 6 in the morning, but I, secretly sure that my new hairdo might win his love, said it was no problem at all.
By 11 p.m., I was totally exhausted and didn't think I was going to make it until 12:45 a.m., so I took a powernap.
Well, I get to the airport, and when he saw me, all he said was that he could barely recognize me. Not that I looked pretty, or super duper fabulous, or that he was now madly in love with me just based on the power of my magical new haircut.
So, I explained about the nap, and how I probably had bedhead, and it usually would look better. He just snapped, "You look great. You look fantastic. I'm just not used to it. I need to get..." and then never finished, instead moving on to the topic that "All New York girls are so much hotter than L.A. girls anyway." He said he wants to move there. I hate every girl who lives in New York now.

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