Saturday, November 05, 2005



This is the second weekend in a row that I haven't been able to see the boy. I went out to dinner with Alex tonight, which was great, but I got home early, which has left me with too much time to think. I miss the boy.
And he's out drinking and whoring and buying shoes in New York. I don't think he is thinking about me at all.
Even though it isn't even 10:30, I'm thinking about making myself sleep so I can't be sad and sulky any more.



So, I went and got my hair cut, colored, and straightened today. I've had long curly hair pretty much forever, so it's a big change. I guess I am happy with it, though I don't know what I was thinking when I got bangs. I like them, but only people who are willing to spend time on their hair should get bangs, and I am sure as hell not one of those people.
But why did I do it? I think I really was partly just itching for change. And I had the money right now. Who knows when I will again?

But, I also think the fact that the boy has never been attracted to me with my long curly hair, be it dark, light, red, or fuchsia (and it has been all of those colors since he's known me), nor has he ever appeared to be attracted to any curlyheaded girl may have played a role in my decision. And I didn't go out and get a total short hipster haircut (though I teased my friends that I was going to), but I do think part of me is hoping he will see the new me, and get all of a sudden overwhelmed with desire. I realize that I am going to be disappointed. But the nagging bit of hope is there nonetheless. Stupid hope.

I don't really know if my hair even looks good. I'm going to see Alex tonight, for the first time since he's been back from Europe. I'm sure he'll tell me true if I've made a horrible mistake.



I texted the boy to tell him to let me know when he got to New York, and I never heard back. Inconsiderate jackass.

Work was so stressful today, that it actually gave me a headache.

I'm supposed to hang out with Grandpa on Sunday. It is the first time we are going to hang out in quite a while. I basically just asked because he's been down about girl stuff lately, and I thought even though we aren't getting along so perfectly well, it would be a nice gesture. Well, he emailed me back with the list of movies he wants to see that are out right now. There were 6, one of which he thought might already be gone from theatres. Of the 6, I picked three that I want to see. And he emails me back saying, well how about we see Where the Truth Lies (the one he
correctly predicted was no longer in town), or the second choice can be... and it's one of the ones I said I didn't want to see. And that just annoys me so much. Like my opinion on what I wanted to see never mattered at all. That kind of stuff is just nails on a blackboard annoying to me. Now I don't want to see him at all. And I'm too much of a wuss to straight up tell him I think he's kind of shitty, so I probably just won't call. Which doesn't make me all that awesome of a friend, either, does it? And this is why Grandpa and I don't get along lately, and why I should have never have asked him to hang out in the first place. Fuckall.

On the bright side, I had Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles for the first time tonight. That stuff is totally good.

Friday, November 04, 2005



I finished my work for my second job last night. Suddenly, my life is only half as busy as it has been. I just don't know what to do with myself.
And of course, I can't look forward to celebrating my newfound freedom with the boy, since he is going to New York.

Although... he was supposed to be on the Red Eye last night, and he texted me at midnight, which I'm pretty sure you can't do on planes. I don't know what is up with that.

Thursday, November 03, 2005



So, the boy has had Myspace forever. And we've been Myspace friends for quite some time. He's never put a comment on my page, but he never puts comments on anyone's page, so I forgive him. He's been on Friendster even longer than that, and I've never known him to put comments on anyone's page ever. And I'd know, right? I do a daily runthrough of all his friends to see what they are up to.

Until today. Today, I see that he has posted a comment to a Myspace friend. And that Myspace friend is not me. It is just some stupid comment about drunk driving or something, and it is to a boy not a girl. Yet I'm still seething with jealousy. I'm ridiculous.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005



Had dinner with the boy and shockingly didn't fight at all, which was nice. The bar we were eating at was super loud and I am ridiculously deaf, but we got by anyway. He had colored over all the comments people put on his cast, so not only did I NOT get to sign it, I didn't even get to see other people's comments. Which I find to be lame, but not worth a fight.
I straight out told him I had sex, though I used Alex's favorite euphemism to describe the deed. And it's a charming way of saying had sex, but certainly not an obscure or strange one. The boy's response: "What does that mean?" So incompatible to him are the image of me and the notion of sex, that he can't make sense of the two of them together in the same sentence. I just don't know what to do to change that. Ugh.
He says there are more people like him in NY. Which I guess means hipsters. Blecch. I don't like the influence they have on him.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005



I'm seriously just not right now. I'm like not functioning.

It seems ridiculous that it happened so easily. Why is it so easy for him to have this effect on me? Why is it so hard for me to have any effect on him at all?



It's funny how hard and fast the boy can take my feelings and send them straight into the shitter. I can't think of anyone else who has anywhere near that power to totally take me when I'm feeling perfectly fine, and twist my feelings all around until I feel like I want to just break everything in sight and scream at the top of my lungs. And it doesn't seem like it even takes much effort on his part.

We're supposed to hang out tomorrow, and when we talked about it, he had been all, "you figure out what we're doing." So, I sent him these options. And he emails me back, and he's like, "I just don't know how much time I'm going to have. I've got lots to do." And this is the person who went out drinking for 12 hours straight on Friday and didn't invite me. And went to a party on Saturday, and seems to have had no trouble finding time for anyone else until it was my turn to see him. And that is just it, right there, I'm gonna go out of my skin, and I'm already crying. Because I feel so shitty just from that.

And then, he goes on to talk about what kind of job I should get, and it's not even that he's being mean or especially callous, he is just not listening to me about what I want at all. He just thinks about what he wants me to do, who he thinks I ought to be. And maybe on its own that wouldn't drive me that crazy, but when he has already set me off with the busy thing, this just makes it worse. I just want him to listen and empathize. I want to feel like he really wants what I want, and it just doesn't happen.

Finally, he ties up his email by quoting some stupid thing my roommate says when she's drunk. And this part, I know I'm probably just being irrational, but I'm already upset and there's just no turning back now. It's just like, he knows we're not getting along, and when I tried to talk to him about it, he totally wasn't there for me the way I would want him to be, and now what, he's trying to remind me of how well they ARE getting along and what good friends they are or something. And I was seriously fine 10 minutes ago and now I'm shit. And I can't focus on the work I need to get done. I can't do much of anything. Just think of how I want him to hurt, but he never will, because he just doesn't care that much.



My desk at work has been moved, so I am now in the same room as my boss all day long. I have a charming little partition that gives my area an unfinished cubicle vibe, which I'm sure is all the rage.
The walls in the building are thin, so I also get the added perk of being able to hear the therapy patients next door screaming and crying. This rocks.

Monday, October 31, 2005



So, I'm not doing anything this Halloween. I went to Knott's Scary Farm last weekend, and saw a scary movie last night. Well... Saw 2, which was really more gruesome and grim than it was scary, but close enough. So, I guess that got my Halloween spirit out a bit early. Oh, and I went to the Day of the Dead at the Hollywood Cemetary, which was cool, too, though not a scary thing.
But usually, I love the scary spooky ooky parts of the holiday, if not the dressing up hassle and that other crap that comes along with it. I also love haunted houses and scary movies, all that stuff. It doesn't scare me at all, and as far as I could remember that's always the way I've been. I mean, I've always been frightened as hell just of like regular strangers coming up to talk to me. I don't even like to call and order pizza. But the stuff that's supposed to scare you, I've been thinking I always just was fond of that stuff, and never really afraid.
Then, I talked to my mom tonight, to ask how it went taking my nieces and nephew trick or treating. She mentioned something about when she used to take me trick-or-treating that I had totally forgotten, but now that I think about it, came back to me. She mentioned that whenever the grown-ups who were giving out candy were dressed in scary monster costumes or pulled a spooky trick on the kids, I would literally chuck my basket of candy at them and haul ass down the street. She'd have to pick up all the candy, put it back in the pail, and then find me, sobbing, down the block and calm me down before we resumed trick-or-treating. And now that she says it, I totally remember it, too, the mix of fear and shame that would lead me to leave all the evening's hard-earned candy behind in my desperate quest to confuse my attacker and get away from what scared me. Leave my mother and sister behind, too, for that matter. What a fraidy cat wimp.
I don't know when it changed, exactly, from being super afraid, to being a total afficionado of the stuff. I kind of almost wonder if I got into it, started watching every movie I could find and reading Fangoria magazine (no, I really did) so that I could conquer my fear and wouldn't have to toss my candy and run away anymore.



I sent this email to a friend, and she laughed at me. I think it is true, though...

things i understand about boys:

1. they have penises (yay penises!!)
2. they are dumb (boo dummies!)
3. they usually don't like me (boo dumb dummies!)
4. they usually like girls who i don't think are as specially wonderful as me (boo dumbhead dumb dummies!)
5. sometimes they are cute, but all of the times they are evil....

that is all.



So, this weekend, I finally got up the nerve to talk to my roommate about how unhappy I've been. It was really hard. I spent the half-hour or so before pacing around the house, trying to screw up my courage to do it. Actually, I think the only reason I was able to go through with it may have been the fact that she caught me hovering midway between my room and her room, unable to either attack or retreat, and asked me what was going on.
I told her. I told her I don't know if we should live together anymore. I told her that I wouldn't exactly say we aren't friends anymore, but that I certainly don't think of us as being close. And maybe some people can just be roommates, but I didn't think I could do that, when she used to be my best friend. And to have her be right there, in front of me, all the time, seemed needlessly painful, and that it would be best to just part ways.

She disagreed, though she didn't yell at me, or get upset the way I was afraid she would. She said she still thinks of me as her best friend. And I don't believe that. Maybe it is convenient for her to think so, but I said when we don't really share anything anymore, and we don't really support each other, it is just not true.

I don't know. She wants to work it out. I don't know if we can. After a lot of talking, she admitted she doesn't know if we can either. We didn't really come to any more of a solution than that. I know I can't just let it drop, but we don't know what to do. It's all just a big question mark.

At least I told her how I've been feeling. That's something, even if it isn't an answer.

Sunday, October 30, 2005



I've been fighting with the boy this morning... over text messages. If there is a more frustrating or less satisfying way to have an argument, I can't think of what it is.

He doesn't think he has anything to be sorry for about not calling this weekend, since he never gave me a set-in-stone time by which he'd call. I'd say if it was supposed to be to let me know if we are going to hang out THIS WEEKEND, and he hasn't called by Sunday, he can be pretty sure that he's fucking behind.

So, we're mad at eachother.

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