Saturday, October 29, 2005

 

not

So, the boy, who I knew was a longshot to see this weekend at all, somehow still finds a way to disappoint me even when I try to expect nothing.
I had emailed him Thursday night, and he wrote back saying he was pretty busy this weekend, but he'd give me a call to let me know if he was going to have time to hang out or not.
And I really did mostly no it was going to be a "no", especially if it when it didn't happen last night. But now it is 9 p.m. on a Saturday and he didn't even bother to call TO say no. That's really just shitty. I deserve better. So now, hot on the heels of sitting at home alone on a Friday night, I'm following up with sitting at home alone on a Saturday night. Rocking.

Friday, October 28, 2005

 

slight

So, I knew that if I was going to see the boy I'm in love with at all in the next two weeks, it would be tonight. My roommate knew it, too, if only because I said so about a thousand times last night.

They always grab a few drinks on Friday afternoons after they get out of class. Apparently, this week, for no reason I can tell, they decided to extend that into the night. So she is hanging out with him now, instead of me being able to. And she didn't even invite me to meet up with them. This is the same girl who threw three days worth of hissyfits because I talked to the boy she liked for twenty minutes at her party. This is not right.

It's this kind of thing that makes me like her less and less every day. I've been pretty productive for most of the night, but I'm DEFINITELY starting to lose it.

I may need to get out of the house. I think I'll go for a walk. Granted, late night walks aren't usually such a good idea in this city, but is it really such a surprise that I'm a bit on the self-destructive side?

Fuck.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

 

rest

Well, I actually managed to spend most of my afternoon being productive and watching movies for work, despite my adventures and sleep deprivation of the last 24 hours. I can't imagine that I got more than 3 hours of sleep last night, which was fine when I was a young girl, but now it really catches up to me.

I decided to take a nap at about 5, since I had been doing so well. After I'd been sleeping a while, I heard this pretty music, and even though it didn't totally wake me up, I started thinking, "I really like this music. Hearing it makes me happy, because I know this music means something good."

It was only after the ringing stopped that I realized that it was of course, the cell phone ring signifying the boy I'm in love with was calling. Oops. I called him back, and told him about my car (since I had called in him in a panic when the car deaths were going down last night) and what the status was. But he wasn't very attentive or responsive.

I didn't really know whether I was going to tell him about my ex-boyfriend. He probably wouldn't care anyway. I ended up just telling him that I got high with my ex. And he was like, "and then you just went to sleep?" which I thought was strange and didn't know how to respond to. So I said, "ummm... no" and then he said he had to go. He almost certainly really did have to go, but me being me, I can't help but wonder if somewhere he at least feels like a tiny ping of jealousy about me sleeping with another guy.

And, when he was getting off the phone, he indicated I might not hear from him for a while, since he is so busy. I already know he is going away next weekend, so I probably won't see him for two weeks. This does not bode well for my mental health.

 

things

Okay. The last 24 hours have been really hectic and I have a lot of work I have to catch up, so I can't really do the full on, explanatory, explore my feelings type blog that I would like to. I'm just going to go through a quick list of the major events until I have time to process them a bit better.

1. I talked to the boy, and we sort of made up, though he reserves the right to continue punishing me for a while. And refuses to say I am not a stalker.

2. My car died.

3. In my attempt to revive my car, I inadvertently somehow killed my roommate's car. (No worries, AAA fixed her up in a jiffy and she didn't get too too mad at me).

4. I complained online about my car troubles to my ex-boyfriend, who came straight over, looked at my car, and agreed to help me the next (this) morning.

5. I went to my ex-boyfriend's house and got really really high. Which I don't do very often at all.

6. I slept with my ex-boyfriend. (Yeah, that one I'm going to need some time with.)

7. I spent the entire day fighting with mechanics who first told me they couldn't, then that they wouldn't fix my car. Eventually, I sat there looking pitiful for so long (I don't have AAA, and told them I had to wait until I could get in touch with someone who did before I could get towed somewhere else) that they took pity on me and fixed it.

Now, I am happy about my car, but totally sleep deprived and behind on my work.

Blah.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

 

clover

Well, my friends had their party at the bar last night. When I was on my way there, I got a call from the boy. And I told him his email hurt my feelings, and I didn't think it was very nice. He said it wasn't meant to be nice, that it was meant to be "stern." Is he my fucking dad? I mean, what the fuck. He doesn't get to give me life lessons on how to be. He can accept me or not accept me, but this shit...
And he called me on the fact that I probably already knew who the girl was from the start, which is true. He told me that he wanted me to learn my lesson, and realize that I had no right to expect other people to treat me well when I'm such a horrible disrespectful person. And then he said that I had no right to be mad at him for it. I disagreed. So he said fine, and he would see me later.
Cut to an hour later at the party, where he is trying to be all friendly and normal. I just don't do that. I don't downshift like that. So, all night, I rejected his attempts to talk to me, and instead hung out with other people. And I was okay about it. Which I'm proud of. The flipside to that is that he didn't seem all that broken up about it either, which was okay at the time, but is driving me fucking psychotic today.
My energy to be strong and independent now completely gone, I called him on my lunch break today. He didn't answer. And he never called back. So now I feel totally hysterical. I want to cry about every thing in the world, whether or not it relates to him, because it all does somehow, right? And I know that is not true, but it is how I feel right now. And it is not a very nice feeling.

 

money

My work is driving me seriously insane. New things go wrong everyday, the place is a zoo, and it is going to go under any day. I've just finally committed myself to trying to get out of here and find something new.

And my boss gives me a raise. I already make way more than I could doing a similar job elsewhere in this town. It's like he feels me on the verge of breaking free, and lures me back in.

But does the money really matter? I make about $20,000 a year more than I could expect to make anywhere else, but I'm going crazy. Even crazier than I normally go.

I'm completely torn. My best hope is that the company will just go under completely and then I will be free.

Monday, October 24, 2005

 

friend

So, I've been complaining about my roommate a lot lately. And I do feel kind of bad about it, but things have changed so much. I feel like she has become a thousand times more self-absorbed than she used to be. I don't feel very cared about by her at all.

And I was talking to one of her closest friends, one of OUR closest friends about it. I mean, the three of us, we used to be inseparable. I was going on, and complaining, and finally, I just said it, "I just don't trust her." And I expected him to disagree or best case scenario, neutrally empathize.

Instead he said, "I don't trust her either." And, while it is somewhat comforting that this isn't all in my head, it still feels like such a bombshell. I mean, she's been my closest friend here for years. And to some degree, I really think that's done now. There are things that matter to her, and I'm not one. Our friend has noticed it, too. It makes me sad. I used to be able to count on her. And now I can't. It's not me being paranoid or crazy. It's real. He has noticed all the same things that I have about her.

I kind of wish I was just crazy and paranoid.

 

right, but not right

I'm furious at the boy I'm in love with. He sent me an email telling me I am a "horrible stocker" and that I have no right to expect anyone to respect my privacy ever.

First, of all, horrible is not the right word to use (and for that matter, neither is "stocker"). I'm the best Goddamned stalker he is going to meet in his entire life.

But that's not the point, of course.

We were totally joking about some girl named Meghan, who he wouldn't tell me who she was. And I WARNED him that telling me he didn't want me to know (his exact words) would just make me want to know more. He laughed at me, and kept taunting me. I told him I bet I could figure out who she was, and he didn't believe that I could. He made it a joke, and kept making fun of me. So, I came home and did a little internet research,found evidence of "Meghan"'s identity and sent him her myspace page, with a note guessing at how he knows her exactly.

And the above email was his response. I think that's totally shitty, to egg me on, and then cut me down when I fall into the trap of being exactly who I am. It's not stalking if you are honest and upfront about it.

Which I kind of wasn't, since I totally knew who Meghan was from previous Myspace exploring, but didn't say so because I knew it would appear too stalkerish.

Anyway, my feelings are hurt. He's mad at me, and I'm mad at him. All is wrong with the world, as per usual.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

 

trick

Had plans to go out with the boy tonight. He called this afternoon without any prompting, which was nice, but then told me he basically wanted me to drive him and his roommate to the movies and that was his plan for tonight's activity. I got annoyed and frustrated and probably meaner than I wanted to be. I only partially blame him for being inconsiderate; I'm also really overtired and burnt out.

I threw a fit, and we ended up just going out barhopping (though his roommate still joined us). It was okay, but I really do swear he drives me crazy on purpose sometimes. I really believe he needs to reassure himself that I'll be jealous when he talks about how pretty other girls are. And even I wanted to be stronger than that, it's like an involuntary response I can't stop at all.

The boy's got my number. He may not want it, but he has it.

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