Friday, October 21, 2005

 

off

I knew I was not going to be right today within a half hour or so of getting up. In the car on the way to work, Karma Police came on and I burst into tears. Sometimes ordinary songs strike me as so sad, I can't help myself. I even want to say that this particular song is a repeat offender. I think it's that "for a minute there, I lost myself" part that gets me. It's not a song I love or listen to all the time, but if I'm emotionally unstable, it is a definite trigger.

I made it through most of the day relatively unscathed by distracting myself with the zoo that is my workplace. Now, though, I'm home, and waiting for a friend to call to meet up for dinner, and I find myself feeling just like there's a nails on a chalkboard sound echoing in my head. My hands are shaking, which is making typing this a little more difficult than it should really be. And there's no concrete reason for it. It's just mood, just a bad feeling that I'm having.

I can't help but wonder if a lot of people have days like this, or if I'm truly bizarre.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

 
He wants me to stop all my "meta-talk."

I think I know what that means.

And I don't think it is a very good thing.

 

suck

My roommate, the same one who says that I'm not supposed to talk about the boy, listened in on my conversation with him tonight, and overheard us mentioning her party this Monday.

Then she comes in and pumps me for information about what he said, whether he's going, and is complaining when I said I don't think so. That's bullshit.

She doesn't want to talk about him, unless there's something in it for her. Like, I don't know if I'm wrong, but it seems to me like that is totally lame.

 

time

I realized that between my two jobs, I'm spending nearly 90 hours of each week either working or on my way to or from work these days. That's a lot. And it's kind of driving me crazy, but it isn't even the main source of my worries.

My big concern is that my second job ends in about a week. And then I'm down to working 40 hours like a regular person.

With my current constant overworkedness, I'm able to distract myself just enough from going crazy about how much I want the boy... well, most of the time anyway. What the hell am I going to do when I have about 50 hours a week LESS of distraction?

I have to think this can't be good.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

 

misdirect

My roommate says she can no longer support me in my quest for the boy. She says he is never going to want me, there's no chance, and that by continuing down this road, that I'm just going to have only heartbreak and sadness. And she can't watch it, and she can't support me, and she needs me to just give up.

And I know her whole stand is designed as an attempt to change my feelings about the boy, but all it does is change my feelings about her.

Because I would and have stand by her through infatuations at least as hopeless and painful as mine. I think that is what friends do. Even if you don't agree, you have each other's backs. I certainly think it is what she expects from me. But maybe I'm the one who's wrong. I am wrong a lot of the time about a lot of things. This could be one of them.

I don't know what to do about her. But I know my feelings aren't up for public debate or discussion. Even though I post them on the internet. Right. I know. It doesn't make sense to me either.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

 

ewop

So, I talked to the boy on the phone. I made fun of him for Saturday a LOT, and he was clearly pretty embarrassed, but he took it well. And we talked for a long time, even if it was mostly me teasing him and him reacting to how goofy drunk he was on Saturday night. (Apparently he spent the next 24 hours or so trapped in a horrific hangover state, puking and barely able to move. Which makes me wonder how wonderfully well it would have gone if I had acted fast and made my move when I had the opportunity.)
But, it occured to me that maybe I was being a bit too joke-y about it, that I was helping him brush off what he said by turning it into a big joke about how crazy drunk he was. I found, though, that I didn't really care that much. Because we were talking and we were laughing and we were getting along. And I guess sometimes that's enough, even if it'd be nice if we did all that and made out too.
It's just, I want more so much sometimes that I forget how lucky I am to have him in my life as this great friend, which is what made me start wanting more in the first place.
It's all a bit confusing, I guess.

 

work

The C.F.O. of my company, who pretty much is the guy who forces my boss to put money in the accounts to cover his checks, is quitting. Even better than that, he is threatening to sue the company for breach of contract.

My boss has been out of town and doesn't know yet. I just happened to see the fax sitting on the machine.

My boss gets back today. I really want to run and hide. This is not going to be a day that is good for my mental health, and let's face it, it is in enough trouble already.

Monday, October 17, 2005

 

right

I think the boy is embarrassed by what he said the other night. Or perhaps horrified. In any case, in no mood to joke about it. When I got his email of disbelief and apology that he said such a thing, I still didn't gracefully let it go. This can't be a surprise; I pretty much just don't do anything gracefully, and letting go is not my strong suit.
Instead, I emailed him again, telling him that there was no need to apologize, and that, in fact, I found him to be a complete delight the other night and think he should be that drunk all the time.
His response: the painful hangover he had the next day, he takes as a sign he should not get that drunk.
And I realize, it's not a mean email for him to send me, but it's just so humorless, and so completely against the notion of giving me another crack at drunken, impaired-judgement him. I guess I really let myself partially believe that deep down, his drunken self was expressing an unconscious desire of regular him. That was silly of me. Now I've got to shift back into everyday, there's no chance in hell mode.
I should be used to it by now, really. But the littlest taste of hope is really enough to mess a person up a lot, at least when the person is like me.
I'm pretty bummed out.

 

Hope


My mom sent me pictures from home today. I'm still a miserable brat about the boy, don't get me wrong. But it is hard to sulk when I'm looking at my nieces and nephew. This is Hopie. She's the littlest one. I can not look at her and not smile.

(I'm always so negative in this blog. I thought I would include something nice for a change.)

 

denied

Though I am still really upset at myself for not seizing opportunity when it was right in front of me, I decided to at least test the waters and see how much he remembered of his invitation to have my way with him. I emailed him yesterday and just sort of teased him about a few of the drunk things he said Saturday night, including the "take advantage of me comment" and added that he was lucky I was such a woman of integrity and good moral fiber or his virtue would have been in peril.
I mean, hey, who is to say that he wouldn't write back and be like, "Yeah baby, I meant it. Come and get it" or whatever. (He'd never say that in particular. If he would, he wouldn't be my type of guy, but you get the gist anyway.)
Instead, I get this:
I can't believe that I said either of those things! I really did?

Sorry I was so drunk. I guess I need to learn to hold my liquor better.


That's not so encouraging, I guess. It would appear that this really was an aberration, a random chance to at least hook up with him, even if he's not going to love me. And I blew it.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

 

overwhelmed

So, I still all out of sorts about blowing what may have been my only chance ever (such it was) with the boy last night. I slept about 2 hours total last night, and had serial killer nightmares, which speaks a lot about my state of mind.
I can't concentrate on my moviewatching work at all, even though I have a ton of it to do, since my thoughts are continuing to hover in that single split-second where I MAYBE had a chance and let it slip through my fingers.
Also, the Patriots are getting crushed, my plans with my friends for tonight fell through, I found out I was right about my roommate and the boy hanging out on Thursday night, and tomorrow I have to go back to the hellhole that I call my work. Today is just not a good day. At all.

 

damn

So, I went out with the boy I'm in love with tonight. We went to the drive-in, drank a bottle of whiskey, laughed at the terrible movies we saw. He got really wasted, and at the bar after the drive-in, he told me lots of stuff I really probably didn't need to know about his sex life, both in the past and his present opportunities. He says he is finally ready to have a new girlfriend, and that there are lots of girls who are interested. And I took it all okay. I really did. I was going to come home and be fine about the night we had together.

Then, on the way to the car to go home, he said, "I'm so drunk. You could take advantage of me really easily." And I didn't do anything, didn't say anything. And, I know that he was just drunk and kidding, but it's just like, if I had any balls at all, and was going to make an attempt and risk being shot down and just do it, that was probably the best chance I'll ever have, right? And I didn't do anything. I realize now that I'll probably never do anything. This is all just going on in my head, and it won't ever be anything other than that. That makes me sad. And now I'm trying to sleep, and instead all I'm doing is crying.

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