Saturday, October 15, 2005



Last night, I felt a bit better so my friend and I walked to the movies (about a mile away) to go see the Squid and the Whale. Now, today, I feel extra bad. That probably wasn't the brightest idea I ever had.
And I refuse to give into my tiredness, headache, or gross hacking cough because I am going out with the boy I'm in love with tonight, and I will not let anything get in the way of that. When he called to finalize our plans, I hacked and coughed as much as I could before answering to clear my throat so I wouldn't sound sick. I won't be able to fool him for very long in person, though.
We're going to the drive-in. I love that he'll go to the drive-in with me. It's super fun. If I don't pass out from my illness.



Living in L.A. makes even a boring day less boring.

Today I saw:

King of the Failed Sitcom Mark Feuerstein

Ex-con and Robert Rodriguez movie staple Danny Trejo (eating at CPK - how random is that?)

A teenaged girl dressed up in a fullbody fur tigger costume

And a drag queen all done up swiss miss-style and carrying a baby doll (and that was in my office building).

Friday, October 14, 2005



I don't feel good. I'm at work, though, since I refuse to waste a day off on a day that I don't feel good. Even though I know that is what sick days are for. I'd rather be miserable here, since I'd be miserable here anyway.
Last night, my roommate didn't come home at the usual time. I texted her to ask where she was (and I know that sounds crazy co-dependent, and my only excuse is that she would do the same to me) and she never answered. I heard from one of my friends that she went to bar in Westwood, but he was cagey about with whom she went.
Since I'm sick, I went to bed at about 9:30. Before I did, I sent her an email saying it was lame that she never wrote or called back, especially since she is out of town this weekend, and I won't see her until she gets back.
When I woke up this morning, I see that I received emails from both her and the boy I'm in love with at just about the same time last night. Which means they were probably out together.
I don't know it for sure, but it feels true to me. So, I'm kind of in a self-destructive rage now, even though it probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me to be upset. I want to tell him to "fuck off". I want to tell her I don't want to be friends anymore. And I know I should bite my tongue until the urge passes. But right now, it just seems like it would be such a relief.

Thursday, October 13, 2005



As I've mentioned, I'm not allowing myself to fight with the boy I'm in love with, no matter how much I want to, or how baited I feel by him. When I want to start yelling, I replace that urge with fake cheer.
I spoke to him on the phone last night, and my roommate was apparently listening in. She came to my doorway and noted that I don't sound like myself when I talk to him these days. I told her of my plan, and asked her if I sounded too fake. She said, "Well, you don't sound like you." What does not sounding like me entail? Apparently, NOT ME sounds like, "you know, a happy, bubbly girl." It's true, that's not me at all.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005



I went and saw Forty Shades of Blue at the Nuart last night. Halfway through, I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but I really ended up liking it. It's not perfect by any stretch, but it has a lot of emotional resonance, and I tend to cling to any movie that hits me in the gut, even if my mind and eyes may say it left something to be desired.
And I think the movie had some interesting things to say about love and fidelity. The movie basically depicts a woman's affair with her live-in lover's adult son. And I know that's been done before, but it is done so carefully here, and with such a feel for what each of the three leads is going through, I thought it really worked.
But the two things I walked away being most moved by were
(1) The woman's clear torture at realizing who she is and what she is capable of. I've had moments like that, where I was heartbroken to realize that I could in fact do something I had always thought was lower than I could stoop, though not for some time, and this movie brought back that feeling to me that I had totally forgotten.
(2) The son's ability to keep the affair in a practical perspective, while she is unravelling. "It's not the worst thing that's ever happened." And he believes that. And he's not wrong, of course - it all comes down to the way you look at the world, and the way you look at love. And the gap between his reaction and hers is just so enormous, yet neither one is really wrong.
I don't know. The movie just left me really really sad. But of course, that's just praise for the filmmakers, right? And the actress playing the leading role was phenomenal. I've never seen her in anything before, and I watch a billion movies, but she did everything just right.



Paychecks are bouncing left and right.

High-ranking executives are whispering that I should get out while the getting's good, because the shit is coming down, and it will most likely land on me. (I'm the assistant to the C.E.O.)

Everyone's fed up and angry and sad.

My work is not a fun place to be right now.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


last night post-script

Oddly enough, a few minutes after I got home from the club, I received an email from the boy. Without any provocation or earlier email from me - that never happens.
The gist of the email was basically just to say how nice it was to run into me and to say how nice it was to see me so happy.
I have to say, if he thinks that was me happy, he really can't read my moods at all, and I'm a bit surprised at him.
Also, I think there are two possible ways to interpret the email.
1. He was bummed that I wasn't as attentive as usual and thought he better snap to and write me a nice email so I don't fade away.
2. He was absolutely thrilled that he wasn't burdened with the full weight of my affections, and decided to send me a friendly email to let me know that my behavior for the evening was pleasing to him and to keep it up.

I prefer option 1. But since when does what I prefer matter a whole hell of a lot?


Part 2

So, as I'm at the bar, trying not hyperventilate, and telling my roommate I'm going to go home and commit seppuko (NO idea if that is the correct spelling), the boy saunters up and says Hi while the unidentified female buys their drinks. Now, I'm trying to be polite and not give away the fact that I want to crawl in a hole and die, but actually speaking to him is just more effort than I can muster. So, I'm doing a lot fake-smiling and nodding.
After a few minutes, chickie brings his drink and they take off to rejoin the cool kids. I breathe a sigh of relief because as much as I usually will take seeing him anyway I can get it, this is just beyond what I can handle.
But lo and behold, he comes back a few minutes later, leaving her with the cool kids, and hanging out with us instead. Unfortunately, the damage from what I thought was going has been done, so I can't really talk still. Basically, I'm just stuck there while he has a cordial conversation with my roommate. The funny thing is, I think for once I was able to mask my emotions fairly well non-verbally at least so what was actually me spiralling out of control, played more like cool indifference.
A few minutes later, the unidentified female comes back over, with her boyfriend, who just arrived. Oops. They all go outside and my roommate tries to calm me down, reiterating again and again that it was all innocuous and that I should relax. But that few minutes when I thought it was the way I thought it was... it's hard to come down off of that heart attack.
We're ready to leave, so I just am heading to run to the ladies' one last time, when the boy comes up and tries to stop me, saying that he was coming to say goodbye. And I don't even break stride, just smile and wave. I know he's not used to that.


Last Night (Part 1)

I think I am going to have serialize my outing last night, because If I tried to fit it all into one post, it'd be annoyingly long, and my boss would almost certainly catch me writing it.

My roommate and I went to the show I had mentioned, and we were having a fine time. Then, I started to see the boy's cool hipster friends. And, yes, I spy on these people on Myspace. I don't feel bad about it. That's what Myspace is for. So, it was kind of totally cool, like a low-level celebrity sighting. You know, I follow these people's lives like you would a soap opera. We even ended up standing somewhat near them and it was just good fun for both of us.

Then, after the second of three bands, I had to go to the ladies', so we were making our way through the crowd. I wasn't paying much attention, and therefore was completely caught off guard when someone tugged me by a lock of my hair. I turn, and it's the boy. He wasn't standing with his friends, and I had had no indication that he was planning to come, so I was pretty dumbsquizzled.

It only takes me a split second to realize, though, that there is a girl standing with him. I turned away from him as fast as I can, so he couldn't see my face crumble. Then I picked up my pace on the way to the bathroom. He called out to ask where i was going, and I barely turned back to say "gotta pee", and moved myself away from him as fast as possible.

Of course, the club was swarming with people who know him, so my roommate and I couldn't even dissect the situation in the ladies room. I complain about her sometimes, but she did a good job, leading me past him, out of his view and finding another spot in the crowd, close but not too close to him. I could see him but he couldn't see me.

However, when the band finished up, he walked right past us, glancing at us he went by, and joined his "too-cool-for-school" friends without a single word to us. At that point, I think I must have looked like I was going to immediately vomit (which is also how I felt), so my roommate announced I needed a shot and a beer, she was buying, and steered me to the bar.

Monday, October 10, 2005



I'm going to a show with my roommate tonight. That means invading the hipster part of town, which always makes me a little nervous. I know, that's really sad that this group of people who I'm not impressed by and I don't emulate in any way can get me all quaking in my boots at the thought of their disdain. But, I think it is the openness with which they show how I'm considered less than because I don't have the right haircut and clothes that really makes me uneasy. If they were just a bit quieter, a bit more subtle in their hatred, I don't think the trip to Echo Park would be so bad at all.
But that's not the way it is, so I'm prepared for snickers and snideness.




I'm super dizzy today. I keep feeling like I'm going to fall right to the floor. I'm not sure why that is.
It is a symptom of my crazy? stress? sleep-deprivation? Is it possible that I'm actually getting sick (which would be really inconvenient, whatwith my taking a "sick" day last week and all)?
I just want to go home and lie in bed until the world feels less spinny. And considering I have another 6 hours of work, then movies to watch, then tickets to a show tonight, it seems unlikely that that's going to work out. I always feel claustrophobic when I can't see "lying in bed with nothing to do" time in my future. It's sad because I want to be ambitious and creative and interesting, but I think more than any of these things, I'm just lazy.

Sunday, October 09, 2005



I've thought this for quite some time, but over the past few days, my belief that love is bad has really been cemented. I mean, in a perfect fairytale world, love and romance should be things that make people better. And in real life, it just seems to me that it's totally the opposite.

Grandpa has always been a standup, loyal guy. Then he gets a girlfriend. Great. Fine. Soon enough, he's got another girl he's into. And instead of doing the right, but still painful thing, and telling girlfriend #1 straight up that he's into someone else, he strings her along for about six months until he's ready to make girl #2 his official girlfriend. So he's now lied to her, cheated on her, AND rejected her. I can't see him ever treating anyone so badly in any other circumstance, but it's like romantic entanglements give people these excuses if not real justifications for doing really nasty things to each other.

I saw my ex today. He was telling me about sleeping with his best friend's former girlfriend. I knew he had done that, but he told me about how his friend had come to visit recently, and had asked Carl to promise that he'd never sleep with her no matter what. And even though he already had, Carl looked him in the eye and promised he wouldn't. I mean, Carl's a good guy, someone I've known for 15 years and has always been one of the best people in the world. I would never think he could betray and lie to a friend, but there it is.

And while I'm at it, the reason Carl is my EX is partly because I cheated on him. And he was my boyfriend, my good friend for over a decade. I don't usually have a problem with loyalty. With friends, I'm devoted forever. But, this fucking love/sex/romance bullshit messes everything up. It brings out the worst in everyone. It makes you neglect or betray your friends, lie more, break more promises... I just don't get it, why everyone wants it so bad. It doesn't make sense.

But, I think about the boy, and all my anti-love beliefs get turned upside down. I don't know what to want. I guess I mostly just want to not to want anyone so bad that it makes me turn into someone I don't want to be. And I'm not doing so great at that.



So, he ended up calling last night around 7:30. And I just didn't know what to do with that. I mean, I was angry, and I think justifiably so, and I feel like I shouldn't let him get away with that. But also, I've been trying not to get in fights with him all the time, so I've been trying to keep from losing my temper at him.
I ended up not telling him I think he is a giant creep for not calling when he was supposed to, but I don't know if that was the right thing or not. I feel like I have all this anger I didn't express and now I'm stuck with it.
He said he didn't feel that good, and he didn't want to go out, but I could come over and hang out if he wanted. At first, I didn't think I would and told him I'd call him back if I changed my mind. That would probably have been the good strong reponse to stick with. But, I would have been all bored and sad sitting in my apartment all night, so I ended up calling back around a half-hour later to say I was on my way.
Of course, I got there and he was a total jerk all night. In real rare form. It got to the point where I couldn't help myself, "no losing temper" rule or not, and I ended up blurting out, "so, your broken arm medicine turns you into a total ASSHOLE, huh?" and he just laughed and said yes. He doesn't much mind if I'm mad at him so long as I don't make him talk about it, I think.
Anyway, so yeah, that's my story. I'm a big spineless wimp. No surprise there.

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