Saturday, October 08, 2005



So, he never called. I mean, never mind he decided not to hang out with me, he never even bothered to call to tell me that was what he decided.
And I've been productive for as long as I can handle today, so that there's nothing left to do for the rest of this night except drive myself fucking insane about the fact that he never called.
I was ready for him to choose the show over me. But, the total lack of disregard it takes to not even call to say so, it stings a lot. So, I'm basically in crying, rocking back and forth mode now. Can't eat, can't work, can't think about anything else. Even if I could find someone else who still wants to hang out now, I'm no shape for it because I'm all fucked up.
I feel nauseous.



Haven't heard from the boy. Had to turn off my phone because the lack of ringing was driving me insane.

My roommate, since I told her not to make comments about how lucky I am anymore, seems to have chosen not to make comments to me about anything, even though when I confronted her, she said I was right to be upset.

The people I get along best with have taken plane rides away from me, so now I'm a bit despondent.

I talked to Grandpa last night. He said he had his first Ph.D. class yesterday and there is no reason I couldn't have been there. That made me upset, even though I know he meant it to be kind.

I went to bed at 12:30 last night, and heard my roommate get in from the party at 6 a.m. I think I am getting old.

I usually walk when I'm upset, but I feel so lethargic, I barely went 2 miles.

That's all. It's just totall randomness, what's on my mind type of stuff.

Friday, October 07, 2005



My roommate went to the party tonight that the boy may or may not have decided to go to. And it just occurred to me, out of nowhere, that it isn't impossible that they would decide to go together. Her car's gone, so I know she drove to the party. So, I looked on the TV where we keep our parking pass for visitors, and it wasn't there.
Even though it is 11:30 at night, and even though I was already in my pajamas, I put my clothes back on, and walked the entire parking permit area looking for his car. I checked both sides of the street and was very careful not to miss any cars. I didn't see his.
Of course, he may have parked outside of the regular parking area, and that's why I couldn't find it.

And none of this means anything, since they are friends and were going to the same place, and why wouldn't they drive together. Yet, the thought of it makes me so crazy that I go out in the late night (And I live in L.A. My neighborhood is decent, but it ain't Mayberry) and walk around in the pitch dark looking for his car. It is times like these that make me feel like I might actually be a nutjob.



So, I did call the boy. Couldn't help myself. And I tried to be as nonchalant as possible as I asked if we were going to see each other this weekend. He says he still doesn't know. He may or may not be going to a party tonight or a show tonight and a show tomorrow night, none of which I can come to, and he'll decide when he decides and either let me know or not know, depending on how he feels at the moment he decides to go or not go.

And it's after ten now, so I think it is a pretty good bet that tonight is entirely out at this point. But, that's not even the major issue. The thing is, a NO would be better than this. This "maybe... if everything else I might do falls through, then I'll call". And of course, he says, "go ahead and make other plans. don't wait for me." And OF COURSE, I wait for him. I mean, if I made other plans that I wasn't that jazzed about, and then he called, I'd be the one who got all upset and disappointed.

So instead, I shoot down all other people who want to hang out in hopes that he'll come around, only to be devastated if he doesn't. And then my friends can know they're second to him in my mind, just like I know I'm second to other people in his. It's a lovely little circle, that really keeps everyone at their happiest, I think.



It's funny. I'll feel okay, like I could see or not see the boy and I'll get by. That I'd love it if he called me, but if he doesn't, I have plenty to keep myself busy.

And then, all of a sudden, for no real reason at all, it's like all my energy and okayness drains out of me, and I just am crazy to pick up the phone and call him right this second. I know if I do, and he doesn't want to see me, though, I'll cry and we'll fight. It'll just be bad news. But just the fact that I'm not talking to him right now is kind of giving me the shakes. And I don't know what happened between this moment and the last that all of sudden fucked my shit up.

It's like my need creeps up on me when I'm not looking and then takes over my entire brain.



I'm surrounded by all these people who tell me not to call the boy. And not just in a "he's not good for you" way. I think most people recognize that I'm not interested in that argument.

They say, that if I don't call him, he'll like me better. I've heard this crap before, a million times. And you know, maybe it does work. I kind of doubt it would work with him, because of his unique and delightful personality quirks, but I'm willing to believe it works sometimes with some guys.

But, I don't care. I don't want to manipulate him into liking me better by feigning disinterest. I want him to like me because I'm nice to him and superfabulous, and because my loyalty and affection are things he finds to be positives, not negatives. I don't want him to be tricked into liking me because he thinks I might not like him, because YUCK.

I don't care if it works. There are some things I'm just not willing to do. Which is kind of hilarious when you consider the things I am willing to do (be a scary stalker, follow him around like a puppy dog for a few years, throw big fits when he's not as nice to me as I'd like), but still... it's me taking some sort of stand about who I'm willing to be for him, right?

Thursday, October 06, 2005



I seriously don't know if there is anything more difficult for me than telling someone when I'm upset at them. I mean, with the boy, it's hard, but he has this really useful habit of pissing me off enough that I can usually eventually get the words out. Most of the time, with most people, though, it's like actually torture.

I didn't get into the Ph.D. program, and my roommate did. It's been this problem for us every since. For the most part, we've found a way to get around it and get along okay most of the time. However, in the last week, she's had a hard time with some bureaucratic bullshit. She's not a person who deals well with the little stressors that most people can just move past. For instance, she'll cry over lost keys. So, this stuff, this administrative bullshit has a larger effect on her than it might on most people. I get this. It's part of her personality, and I accept it.

What doesn't work for me is that twice in this week, when I've been trying to express my support for her and talk to her, I get rewarded with "you're SO lucky you didn't end up going for the Ph.D." And she knows damned well I don't feel lucky. And if she were thinking about my feelings for even a fraction of a second, she would know how lame it was for her to say.

I know she's upset, and so the first time, I kept my mouth shut, and I got rewarded with her saying it again. I've got to let her know how not okay it is. And she's here, and I'm here, and I just can't get the fucking words out of my mouth.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005



So, I finally caved and called the boy. And I hung up after less than one ring, because I had a last-second renewal of determination. However, I guess he heard the one ring, and he called me right back. I tried to be cold, I swear I did, but in the first 30 seconds of the conversation he told me he broke his wrist. He's hurt. How can I be cold to him when he's hurting? And he hurt himself and I wasn't there to take care of him because I was trying to be all independent or whatever.

Not that he called me for help, or that he ever would. But, the bottom line is I can't break away from him when I feel like he needs me, which he clearly does right now. Who else is going to baby him when he does stupid things like clumsily breaking pieces of his precious self?

And he wants the babying, too, even if he wouldn't admit it. I could tell it in how sweet he was to me, how HE asked when he was gonna see ME (it's always the other way around), the way he had his tentative, "please please be nice to me" voice on. Yeah, I'm a bit ridiculous. Don't care. So long as I feel like he has use for me, how could I walk away?



So, my boss, in his infinite wisdom, decided to just never come back from lunch and therefore never sign our paychecks. This makes me angry at him. Oddly, it also makes several of my coworkers angry at me. I guess, in some way, it makes sense, since I am the person who usually HANDS them their checks, so they associate my smiling face with the thrill of getting paid. I just called him at home and reminded him that his workers would like to be paid. He said, "oh, oh, fine" but made no indication that he would be coming back... ever.



I've been trying really hard not to call the boy. But it's totally taking its toll on me. I've yelled at people about 5 times at work today. I never do that. My temper is just so short because the not talking to him thing is killing me. And even though it would be bad for me to talk to him, and I know that, at least I'd just be making him miserable, instead of myself and everyone else around me.
I don't know what's best. I don't have to crack yet (though I'm getting there), but maybe I should anyway.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005



There was a party tonight in my own backyard, and I wasn't invited. That's fine, it's part of the joy of living in an apartment building. But spending a night listening to happy people chattering, and laughing, and clapping... It's depressing as all fuck.



This is from the book I'm reading right now. It's just, I feel exactly this way sometimes. When I know seeing the boy will be the torture of wanting to touch him and never getting touched, never being looked at in the way I want. And yet I'd do anything to extend it, that torture, for as long as I can. Anyway, it's by Ian McEwan, and other than the genders being switched, it describes more exactly the feeling I'm trying to explain better than I can. I don't know whether it makes me happy or sad to find these things in literature or movies that are exactly how I feel. My feverish little emotions never seem like things anyone else could have experienced exactly as I have. It is either a comfort or a disappoitment that they have indeed. Not sure which.

And Cecilia would not speak to him or look at him. Even that would be better than lying here groaning. No, it wouldn't. It would be worse, but he still wanted it. He had to have it. He wanted it to be worse.



Yesterday, my car wouldn't start when I went to leave work. This is the second time that has happened.
The first time was a few months ago. When the car wouldn't start, I called the boy I'm in love with, and he came straight to my work with his jumper cables, and got it started right up. Then he drove right behind me all the way home, in case anything went wrong. And we went out for dinner and drinks. He let me keep the jumper cables in case it happened again. I guess it doesn't sound like much, but it is way more than I thought he'd do when I had initially called him that day. And it made me happy that he wanted to help me.
So, then yesterday, when it happened again, as annoyed and frustrated as I was, (After the first time, I took my car to the mechanic, who told me there was nothing wrong with it.) I was also kind of hopeful for a re-enactment of him coming to my rescue.
But then I thought about it, and I was afraid, he would come, but not be as nice. Or maybe he'd say that he was too busy to help and I should call someone else. Maybe he wouldn't even answer the phone in my moment of need. And any of those options would just make me so sad. Not asking seemed safer.
So instead of calling him and giving him a chance to help or hurt me, I went upstairs and asked our technical consultant to come down and give me a jumpstart. He didn't have cables, so I had to use the boy's. I even know how to do it on my own now, since he taught me when he left me the cables the first time. I just needed the second car.
And I got my car started, and got myself home probably way faster than when I had to wait for the boy to show up from his house. But that didn't really make me feel better at all. Because the boy wants me not to need him, and yesterday, I guess I didn't. But I wanted to.

Monday, October 03, 2005



I'm calling in sick tomorrow. I've already written the email I'll be sending my boss, telling him I can't come in. It's not very ethical of me, and I hate to lie, but I get taken advantage of there every day, and not paid for overtime, and given everybody's crap to deal with. So, every so often, I've got to do this, take a sick day that's really a vacation from them day, just so I can feel a bit rebellious and like I do get at least a little bit of what I deserve. Plus, a day where no one asks anything of me sounds really nice.
I'll probably spend the entire day watching movies and doing write-ups for my other job, so it's not really much of an exciting or superfun vacation day. But at least I'll be away from them. Though they know both my home and cell phone numbers, so I'm never truly safe.
So, as of now, it looks all good. So long as I don't wake up overwhelmed by the temptation to just lie in bed and sulk over the boy all day long. Fingers crossed.



I'm hanging out with Alex tonight. I missed his call earlier in the evening, and he didn't answer when I called him back. Though I know he's my friend, I can trust him and he wouldn't just ditch me, the whole thing set about this frantic rush of thoughts in my mind that he had just found something better to do when I hadn't answered his call, and that I wouldn't be hearing from him. And I should just accept it because that's the way things go. My stomach starts going more and more into knots, and there's just no good reason for it. I can't help but assume I'm going to be forgotten and passed by.
Of course, Alex called a few minutes later and is on his way. I think I make things harder than they need to be sometimes.



When I saw the boy on Saturday, we were pleasant and artificial. I picked up, we saw the movie, and I brought him home. 10:30 on a Saturday night, and I didn't even ask him if he wanted to go out drinking, even though our standard modus operandi is not to pack it in until at least 2.
And I'm not even sure why I just drove him home and let him get out of the car. Maybe it's because I'm mad. Or because I'm trying to follow his rules of clinging less. Or because my roommate was there, and she was not really that thrilled about being stuck between us in the first place.
Or maybe I was just afraid if I did ask, he'd say no, that he preferred to just go home.

And letting him go so quick, without anything, made me so sad. And I doubt it made him sad at all. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? I don't know.

Sunday, October 02, 2005



The Patriots are losing, and they are going to lose, and I can't bear it anymore, so I turned the TV off. What does that say about me, that I love the Patriots, and don't love them less for losing, but just can't bring myself to watch? I mean, that's pretty selfish of me, right. I share in the good stuff, am all greedy for my part of it. But when it's bad, I need to shut off of the TV and walk away so I'm not dragged down into the sadness. I should take my part of it. I deserve it at least as much as I do my joy when I'm announcing that "we" won and how great "our" team is.
Now I feel like I'm not even good at being a football fan, which is one of the few things that should be easy enough that even I can't fuck it up.

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