Saturday, October 01, 2005

 

tough

So, all my resolve about not calling him didn't so much seem to matter. One of the tenets of our friendship is that I do the calling, I do the inviting, I do the contact initiating of every kind, basically. I guess he knew I was upset after yesterday, though, because he called. And though I tried not to answer, that's just not something I can do.
He made small talk for a while, and I was as cold and indifferent as I could manage without being mean. I think I did a fairly good job of sounding like someone who wasn't falling apart.
He asked what I was doing tonight, and I just said, "I have plans." I was so proud of myself for being tough, not even asking him what he was doing in return. But, then he asked what I was doing, and then he asked with who, and then he asked if he could come too. How could I say no to that. I'm not made of stone. So, good idea or bad idea, my attempt at self-imposed exile from him is going to be over a good 24 hours after it began.
I don't know how to take this. I kind of feel like it could be viewed as an attempt on his part to show that he wants things to be okay between us. But when I talked to my roommate (who now has to deal with him tagging along with us tonight), she made the valid point that you don't ask to be invited along to someone's pre-existing plans unless you're pretty good and sure that they'll say yes. Which means despite our fight yesterday, despite how we left things, despite the fact that I tried to be cold to him and didn't invite him along with us, he still felt secure enough to invite himself along. He knows he still has all the power. Of course, he's right. But I wish he wasn't so sure of it.

Oh well, we'll see how it goes. It might honestly be a real attempt on his part to make up. Or just him knowing that he's pushed me to brink, so he's got to make a token effort so I don't lose it altogether. Never can tell.

 

now

Well, I've thusfar managed to keep myself from calling the boy today, and even to be productive and watch some movies for my job. But, I can't help wondering if it is all futile.
Because mostly what I want is to not have yesterday have happened. And even though that is a not-real-wish, maybe if I pretend it as hard as I can.... it will still all be true in reality, but I might not have to know it quite as much. I just don't think I can even sufficiently put into words how truly amazing my ability to avoid dealing with things can be.
So, I do this thing where I'm not supposed to call him, and I try my best, but eventually I know I'll cave. When I do, I'll be the same girl I am now. And he'll be the same boy, who wants to be in a friendship which requires less of his time, his energy, or his heart. And I'll still want him.

I don't know how to stop wanting him. I'm only now just barely getting to the point where I think I should want to stop wanting him. And maybe that's a baby step in the right direction, but it's not anything more than that.

 

night

I had a fight with the boy I'm in love with. He "can't live like this anymore" and wants to rearrange and redefine our friendship into something more casual. Something less serious. Something that's about our shared interests and watching movies and telling jokes and that's it. I'm not okay with that. We've been so close for so long, and now he has a new group of friends and he doesn't need me so much, so he'd like me to back off. I cried and screamed and he talked like he was a businessman in a pitch meeting - all cold, formal, no emotion at all. And then he said he had to go. I can take the friendship he's offering or I can walk away.

So that wasn't so great. Alex says that maybe he's not the person I love anymore, that maybe that person doesn't exist at all now. And he thinks maybe that should make it easier to get over or at least accept. I mostly think he's right, and it makes me so sad that my heart hurts. But then I think, couldn't the boy change back? Wouldn't I want to be there if he did? It's ridiculous. I know. But I wonder.

Later in the night, I went out to dinner with my friends. We went to a party where not a single one of my other friends showed up.
Most people were just talking about school, which is not my favorite topic to listen to people natter on about.
A boy, neither cute nor heinous, came up and tried to flirt with me. I sent him away.
My friend had said he would leave with me, and we could go somewhere else whenever I wanted but he got sloppy drunk super fast, so I didn't think alone time with him would cheer me anymore than the no-fun party.

We left early, and now I'm back in my bed, brain flooded with snippets of my conversation with the boy, trying to sleep so I can get away from it for a while.

Friday, September 30, 2005

 

naturally

So, in my earlier post, when I mentioned that the boy had asked me for a favor, and I told him that I thought it was ridiculous that he would be mean to me and then ask for something, what I neglected to say is that after I sent that email, I immediately went to work on doing the favor. Yeah, I'm like that.

I finally finished it today and called the boy to tell him that it was done. (Up until now, I hadn't called or emailed him back. Way to punish him, right?) But here's the thing - when I told him that I had done the favor, he wasn't surprised at all. He was just like, "Oh good. It's done." He said he appreciated it and all, but he clearly never doubted I would do it. So, I find that disappointing.

And then I brought up the email that upset me, thinking he might take this opportunity to apologize. I told him I looked it over, and found it hard to believe it was meant to be a joke, since it wasn't funny at all. He just laughed and said, "Really? It seemed funny to me when I was writing it." Which I don't think was a particularly nice thing to say. But I didn't say anything back, so I've got no right to complain, right?

I think I try so hard with people sometimes that they don't feel compelled to try back at all. And why should they. I make it so they don't have to.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

 

burn

It's about nine o'clock at night and my apartment is still 90 degrees. I'm not exaggerating. I just checked the thermostat. I'm going out to the movies in a few minutes, but I'll be back home soon enough and it will almost certainly still be too hot to sleep.
I'm already dreading it. On long hot nights like this, my mind always goes to the worst places. And I'm already feeling bad.

I'd like to tell myself that I'll just be able to force myself to sleep, but it's never like that.

 

word

I talked for a long time with Alex last night about the boy I'm in love with. He said he thinks I am ruining my life with my fixation on the boy. And, I guess in broad strokes, that may well be true, but the word "ruin". I question its appropriateness. I mean, what am I ruining really? Alex says it is my chances for a happy life, but who knows how healthy those would be even if there was no boy.
I really think I've found a loophole here. I talked to Crackhead about it today, and though he initially said that he agreed with Alex, he then asked about amending it to "wasting" my life. I think that's probably more accurate. And it sounds less harsh, I think. I'm all about euphemisms. I like to make who I am sound less unpleasant.

Alex also says I'm like an addict with this boy. I don't really have a retort to that one, or any way to make it sound a little nicer. Alex is pretty smart on the subject of me. Poor guy.

 

funny

So, even though I hadn't heard back from the boy I'm in love with, I wrote him again on Tuesday. We used to hang out every Tuesday to watch a TV show together, with his roommate, but now he has band practice on Tuesdays, so he can't do it anymore. And I don't think my email was mean or whiney, just about the fact that I was a little bummed trying to watch the tv show without him.

I got a response last night that was about as obnoxious as possible. Taunting me about the fact that he has better things to do, and then telling me that I could still come watch it with his roommate. Then he said that he never answered my last email because he didn't see anything that merited a response, and that it didn't really matter anyway, since he's just a check on a list of names of the people I email. So, that was nice.

Oh, and then in closing, he asked me for a favor, since I'm so very good at the internet and all.

I tried to restrain myself, but let's face it, I'm not so hot at that, so I ended up writing him an email back that was a bit on the angry side. And closed with a comment that he is an asshole, but expects me to do him favors. I believe my exact words were something along the lines of, "What the fuck is up with that? I don't think that is what friends do. Maybe I'm wrong."

He wrote me back this morning to say he was just kidding and acting all wounded that I'm not friend enough to do him a favor. I've re-read his email several times since, looking for "jokes" or whatnot, but I just don't see it. I don't know if it is him or me who is crazy on this one. I do think it is interesting that whenever I get mad at him for things he can't turn around on me, he'll shrug it off with, "What? I was just kidding."

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

 

love

So, the boy had the same girlfriend/ex-girlfriend he wasn't over and back and forth again for about 4 or 5 years. They finally called it quits almost a year ago, and she proceeded to secretly start dating one of his close friends that he goes to school with.

He didn't find out until the beginning of the summer, and though he says he's fine with it, any idiot would know that is is tough guy cover story. He's barely spoken to either of them since.

Now it is just about time for school to start again, and he'll start seeing them, particularly his former friend, all the time. They have taken this opportunity to announce to people that they "truly in love" and that they only weren't telling him so as not to hurt him until they knew for sure that it was real. I don't know if he's heard that yet. It's just going around the grapevine.

Even though he's being a jerk, and he's not answering my emails, and when he does his answers aren't very nice, I'm worried that he does know about their love. And that he's just being a jerk because he's hurt and frustrated right now and worried about having to face them. It could be the case, or I could be totally and completely wrong and he's just a real creepo right now.

Fuck if I know. And he's not going to tell me.

 

boy

I want a boy to like me. To miss me when we're apart and to give me hugs and kisses when we are together. I want a boy who likes to talk to me more than he likes to talk to anybody else in the whole wide world. Who likes to do the same things I like to do. Who only pisses me off in the way I kind of enjoy being pissed off.

And who won't mind that I'm love with another boy. And will make me feel better when the boy I'm in love with makes me feel cruddy.

I guess that's too much to ask, though. But, really, could I ever stop loving the boy I'm in love with until some other boy looks good to me? And how could any other boy look good to me while I'm still in love with the boy?

Yuck.

 

boing

My boss bounces people's paychecks. This does not make for happy employees. I fully endorse these people venting their anger at him when he is a paycheck-bouncing fool! I know I do it when it is my turn to end up with the rubber check.

What I do not endorse is people emailing me at home, yelling, crying and expressing their frustration at me. I didn't bounce their check and there is nothing I could have done to prevented it. I'm just a fucking secretary.

It makes me sad.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

 

nothing

I'm having one of my rare moments of clarity type days, where I don't kid myself that it might work, or even torture myself worrying that it won't. On days like today, I just see what I usually work so hard to distract myself from with little clues and hints and games that he and I play together.

When I don't call him, he doesn't call me. When I don't email him, he doesn't email me. Even sometimes when I do call and email him, he doesn't respond. The simple truth is that he doesn't miss me when we are apart.

And that means so much. It makes all the rest of it so obvious. But I don't want to have to know. But, for whatever reason, today is a day when I do.

Don't worry, I'll probably be back to my delusional, depressed little self tomorrow. But I'm taking today off. I was productive in my work. I went out to dinner and to the movies with my friends. I had fun and barely thought of him at all. I guess maybe I was on vacation from myself. It doesn't last long.

Monday, September 26, 2005

 

problem

Here's my problem: I've watched too much TV. And I can't undo all the damage it has done. Sure, for the last 3 or 4 years, I've barely watched TV. There's not one single show that I have to watch. But that's a new development. I was raised in front of the TV from when I was a tiny tot and between the ages 12 and about 24, I put away a good 12-14 hours of the stuff a day.
You know what? TV's not like life at all. And I know that, too, somewhere in my twisted brain. But I have so much sitcom history telling me otherwise, a whole lifetime of things working out in a halfhour, and even the sad endings coming out bittersweet at worst. And that's bullcrap. Knowing that it's fake, and yet being unable to stray from TV daydream of a lifeview has given me total multiple personality disorder.
Like I said, I don't watch that much TV anymore, and I when I do, it is almost never sitcoms (too close to Romantic Comedy territory where I don't ever like to go). However, my roommate and I have found ourselves drawn to How I Met Your Mother, a show which is a bit cutesy and a bit conventional, but that makes us laugh. Two episodes in and we aren't sick of it. Yet anyway.

But watching it reminds me of all the wrong lessons that television has handed me over the years and I swallowed whole, leading me to my present predicament. The obsessive neurotic semi-stalker type who leads the show is adorable as all Hell.. ON TV. In real life, not so much. If you don't believe me, my friends wouldn't hesitate to tell you. They certainly don't hesitate to tell me.
And when he realizes he isn't going to get the girl he loves... they become friends. Right then, right there. It's so easy, so cookie-cutter and great. Even if I wanted to let go of my boy, I know it'd be messy, it'd be hard, and we'd probably never be friends again. But Mr. TV, right after he lets go of his dream girl, they go out for a drink. And she tries to set him up with another girl. Oh, how sweet, so cute.
I guess nobody wants to see the adorable little semi-stalker crying and listening to drippy music for a few months after he gets his heart broken. And that's why it isn't on TV.
But, you watch too much TV, and your heart starts believing it, or at least wanting to believe it,so much that it refuses to know it can't be true.

So, that's it. I blame TV.

 

achievement

So, since I've had the boy on my mind even more than usual over the last couple days, I decided to regale one of my poor co-workers with the whole twisted story of how we got to the present juncture. Hey, it's better than doing work, right?

When I was done, she said she felt so bad for me that her stomach hurt. I've actually gotten to the point where I am so pathetic, I make people sick.

That's... not so awesome, actually.

 

love

My roommate has a theory that although people do once in a while fall in love and become couples in L.A., that it can only happen if they belong to the same group. i.e. artists with artists, hipsters with hipsters, industry assholes with industry assholes, etc.
She could be right. She's worried because she doesn't belong in a group. We don't live in one of L.A.'s many communities with an identity ( like Silverlake, Marina del Rey, West Hollywood, and many many more). We're kinda in the middle of it all. And she dabbles in things more than allowing any one thing to dominate who she is (work, art, music, whatever). She doesn't so much look any particular part.
And I'm like that, too. But the difference is, she's trying to like carve her way into some sort of group, because she thinks it is the only way she'll be happy eventually, I think. And I just refuse to do that, to make any adjustments to who I am, what I like, or what I AM like to belong.
Which I'm fine with, that's who I am. But if she's right, I guess I'm kinda screwed. Which is depressing.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

 

ball

If you don't follow football, you wouldn't know that the Patriots ended up winning their game against the Steelers with a field goal with one second left on the clock. Which greatly improved my mood. (So long as I don't let myself dwell too much on how I let a game that I don't play or have any association to have such a major impact on my mood.)

I just wish life were more like football. I guess any sport would sort of do, but every other sport I can think of is just like a point or two at a time. They don't allow for the dramatic turnarounds that football can, I think. You know, I'd love to feel like even when time's running out for something I want, and I can see it slipping out of my grasp, I could like throw a hail mary out of desperation, and suddenly everything would be okay, and I'd have what I wanted, my happy ending.

And life's not really like that. When you think something's falling away from you, and you're going to lose it, you probably are. All you have to look forward to is the slow torture of it drifting out of sight. But in football, things could always turn around. Your luck could change. And even if something really terrible happens, your coach can challenge it, and maybe it'll be overturned on review, just like it never happened at all.

Anyway, life sucks, but the Patriots rock, so I guess that's something.

 

rest

This weekend has been pretty taxing and emotional. And whenever I'm not freaking out, I'm having to watch movies for my job. I don't feel like it has been very restful at all. I hate when my weekend doesn't reinvigorate me for another hellish week at work. It makes me all sulky that it's Sunday, and that I have to go back tomorrow, when really I should be enjoying my last day of the weekend. My dread is ruining 33% or so of my time off.
I guess there's still today to be hopeful for, though I should watch at least two more crappy movies. I'm mostly nervous for my beloved Patriots who are playing the Steelers, admittedly a total kickass team. It's silly that if we won against them, I'd look at the weekend as less of a disaster, but still... I'm sometimes ridiculous that way.

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