Thursday, December 08, 2005

 

memory

I talked to the boy tonight. It did not go well. And I don't mean in a "we had a fight" way, or "I did something stupid" way. Somehow, I'd almost rather it was like that. Instead, he was just, I don't know, looking for a fight. But not in the fun, banter way. In the really just not caring kind of way. He didn't seem that interested in talking at all, really.
He mentioned that he had gone to dinner with "a friend". Experience has taught me that he is only vague and mysterious like that when he has to be. And I tried to be nonchalant and cool about it, but even that didn't seem to matter to him. I don't know why - was his mind still on the friend? is he stressed about telling me? does he just not give a fuck at all?
And when we got off the phone, for the second conversation in a row, he ended it with, "call me whenever." I dread his "call me whenever" like more than anything, because he only says it when he is going into the mode where he never calls and he rarely returns mine, and he just doesn't make any effort at all. And I feel it coming on. I remember what it feels like. And my chest is tightening up. That burn of sadness is back again.
I want to like call him back again, and just pick a fight, scream at him, anything to erase the nothingness, the coldness of the conversation earlier. I want to know who he went to dinner with, and I want him to tell me he never wants to go to dinner with her again. I want him to want to see me this weekend.
I'm fucking losing it. And I never even had him. Not even for a minute. It fucking destroys me. I seriously, I would take it, just one minute to know what it feels like to have him want me back the way I want him. Something more than having spent the last two years of my life completely in love with someone who really doesn't love me back. That can't be true. I can't let it be.

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