Friday, November 11, 2005

 

trying

I went to a bar night last night. It was really for UCLA students, but I got a friend to take me as his "date", since I had no work today and nothing to do last night. When I was on my way, I got a call from the boy telling me that he hadn't planned on going, but it turned out that he was, so I would see him there.
And mostly, it was all right. I got to see a lot of people I haven't talked to in a long time. Several people didn't even recognize me with my new hair, even people I've seen just recently, so that was pretty funny. And there was no real trouble with the UCLA people, which I had been a little worried about. Sometimes they make me want to throw things and hurt them.
But the boy... he had a lot of martinis. He was smoking a lot of cigarettes, which is a sure sign he was drunk. And he was fine when we were talking, but several times, he'd just wander off to hit on some pretty girl or another. He doesn't usually do that. And it isn't like they were coming after him - he was actively pursuing them. I know it is a totally normal thing to do for drunk young guys. But it isn't like him. I think it is a sign of how eager he is to have a girlfriend, and of how much he doesn't think I could ever be that girlfriend. And it was killing me, even though I think I was Oscar-worthy in acting like it wasn't.
At the end of the night, most of my friends had already gone, but I was chatting to a few people on the sidewalk, and the boy came up and put his arm around me. He invited me to go out to a karaoke club with him and the new kids (including the girls he had been chatting up). I graciously declined, and told him I was just going to go home. Usually, I'll take any way to extend my time with him, but I knew seeing him with them would just drive me crazy, eventually I wouldn't be able to keep up my "i don't care" act, and it would all fall to shit.
So, he gave me a hug good night, and then, standing just like a foot away from me, touched my hair, and said, "you look like an entirely different person". Like all seriously and intently. And I didn't even know what to say. I just kind of smiled. It was kind of sweet and painfully awkward at the same time. But then I had to break away, turn around and go home. And leave him to those stupid girls. Because that was the right thing to do. The smart thing to do. Yuck.

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