Tuesday, November 01, 2005

 

sink

It's funny how hard and fast the boy can take my feelings and send them straight into the shitter. I can't think of anyone else who has anywhere near that power to totally take me when I'm feeling perfectly fine, and twist my feelings all around until I feel like I want to just break everything in sight and scream at the top of my lungs. And it doesn't seem like it even takes much effort on his part.

We're supposed to hang out tomorrow, and when we talked about it, he had been all, "you figure out what we're doing." So, I sent him these options. And he emails me back, and he's like, "I just don't know how much time I'm going to have. I've got lots to do." And this is the person who went out drinking for 12 hours straight on Friday and didn't invite me. And went to a party on Saturday, and seems to have had no trouble finding time for anyone else until it was my turn to see him. And that is just it, right there, I'm gonna go out of my skin, and I'm already crying. Because I feel so shitty just from that.

And then, he goes on to talk about what kind of job I should get, and it's not even that he's being mean or especially callous, he is just not listening to me about what I want at all. He just thinks about what he wants me to do, who he thinks I ought to be. And maybe on its own that wouldn't drive me that crazy, but when he has already set me off with the busy thing, this just makes it worse. I just want him to listen and empathize. I want to feel like he really wants what I want, and it just doesn't happen.

Finally, he ties up his email by quoting some stupid thing my roommate says when she's drunk. And this part, I know I'm probably just being irrational, but I'm already upset and there's just no turning back now. It's just like, he knows we're not getting along, and when I tried to talk to him about it, he totally wasn't there for me the way I would want him to be, and now what, he's trying to remind me of how well they ARE getting along and what good friends they are or something. And I was seriously fine 10 minutes ago and now I'm shit. And I can't focus on the work I need to get done. I can't do much of anything. Just think of how I want him to hurt, but he never will, because he just doesn't care that much.

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