Tuesday, October 04, 2005



This is from the book I'm reading right now. It's just, I feel exactly this way sometimes. When I know seeing the boy will be the torture of wanting to touch him and never getting touched, never being looked at in the way I want. And yet I'd do anything to extend it, that torture, for as long as I can. Anyway, it's by Ian McEwan, and other than the genders being switched, it describes more exactly the feeling I'm trying to explain better than I can. I don't know whether it makes me happy or sad to find these things in literature or movies that are exactly how I feel. My feverish little emotions never seem like things anyone else could have experienced exactly as I have. It is either a comfort or a disappoitment that they have indeed. Not sure which.

And Cecilia would not speak to him or look at him. Even that would be better than lying here groaning. No, it wouldn't. It would be worse, but he still wanted it. He had to have it. He wanted it to be worse.

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