Thursday, October 06, 2005

 

trap

I seriously don't know if there is anything more difficult for me than telling someone when I'm upset at them. I mean, with the boy, it's hard, but he has this really useful habit of pissing me off enough that I can usually eventually get the words out. Most of the time, with most people, though, it's like actually torture.

I didn't get into the Ph.D. program, and my roommate did. It's been this problem for us every since. For the most part, we've found a way to get around it and get along okay most of the time. However, in the last week, she's had a hard time with some bureaucratic bullshit. She's not a person who deals well with the little stressors that most people can just move past. For instance, she'll cry over lost keys. So, this stuff, this administrative bullshit has a larger effect on her than it might on most people. I get this. It's part of her personality, and I accept it.

What doesn't work for me is that twice in this week, when I've been trying to express my support for her and talk to her, I get rewarded with "you're SO lucky you didn't end up going for the Ph.D." And she knows damned well I don't feel lucky. And if she were thinking about my feelings for even a fraction of a second, she would know how lame it was for her to say.

I know she's upset, and so the first time, I kept my mouth shut, and I got rewarded with her saying it again. I've got to let her know how not okay it is. And she's here, and I'm here, and I just can't get the fucking words out of my mouth.

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