Saturday, October 01, 2005

 

tough

So, all my resolve about not calling him didn't so much seem to matter. One of the tenets of our friendship is that I do the calling, I do the inviting, I do the contact initiating of every kind, basically. I guess he knew I was upset after yesterday, though, because he called. And though I tried not to answer, that's just not something I can do.
He made small talk for a while, and I was as cold and indifferent as I could manage without being mean. I think I did a fairly good job of sounding like someone who wasn't falling apart.
He asked what I was doing tonight, and I just said, "I have plans." I was so proud of myself for being tough, not even asking him what he was doing in return. But, then he asked what I was doing, and then he asked with who, and then he asked if he could come too. How could I say no to that. I'm not made of stone. So, good idea or bad idea, my attempt at self-imposed exile from him is going to be over a good 24 hours after it began.
I don't know how to take this. I kind of feel like it could be viewed as an attempt on his part to show that he wants things to be okay between us. But when I talked to my roommate (who now has to deal with him tagging along with us tonight), she made the valid point that you don't ask to be invited along to someone's pre-existing plans unless you're pretty good and sure that they'll say yes. Which means despite our fight yesterday, despite how we left things, despite the fact that I tried to be cold to him and didn't invite him along with us, he still felt secure enough to invite himself along. He knows he still has all the power. Of course, he's right. But I wish he wasn't so sure of it.

Oh well, we'll see how it goes. It might honestly be a real attempt on his part to make up. Or just him knowing that he's pushed me to brink, so he's got to make a token effort so I don't lose it altogether. Never can tell.

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