Saturday, October 01, 2005

 

now

Well, I've thusfar managed to keep myself from calling the boy today, and even to be productive and watch some movies for my job. But, I can't help wondering if it is all futile.
Because mostly what I want is to not have yesterday have happened. And even though that is a not-real-wish, maybe if I pretend it as hard as I can.... it will still all be true in reality, but I might not have to know it quite as much. I just don't think I can even sufficiently put into words how truly amazing my ability to avoid dealing with things can be.
So, I do this thing where I'm not supposed to call him, and I try my best, but eventually I know I'll cave. When I do, I'll be the same girl I am now. And he'll be the same boy, who wants to be in a friendship which requires less of his time, his energy, or his heart. And I'll still want him.

I don't know how to stop wanting him. I'm only now just barely getting to the point where I think I should want to stop wanting him. And maybe that's a baby step in the right direction, but it's not anything more than that.

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