Saturday, October 01, 2005

 

night

I had a fight with the boy I'm in love with. He "can't live like this anymore" and wants to rearrange and redefine our friendship into something more casual. Something less serious. Something that's about our shared interests and watching movies and telling jokes and that's it. I'm not okay with that. We've been so close for so long, and now he has a new group of friends and he doesn't need me so much, so he'd like me to back off. I cried and screamed and he talked like he was a businessman in a pitch meeting - all cold, formal, no emotion at all. And then he said he had to go. I can take the friendship he's offering or I can walk away.

So that wasn't so great. Alex says that maybe he's not the person I love anymore, that maybe that person doesn't exist at all now. And he thinks maybe that should make it easier to get over or at least accept. I mostly think he's right, and it makes me so sad that my heart hurts. But then I think, couldn't the boy change back? Wouldn't I want to be there if he did? It's ridiculous. I know. But I wonder.

Later in the night, I went out to dinner with my friends. We went to a party where not a single one of my other friends showed up.
Most people were just talking about school, which is not my favorite topic to listen to people natter on about.
A boy, neither cute nor heinous, came up and tried to flirt with me. I sent him away.
My friend had said he would leave with me, and we could go somewhere else whenever I wanted but he got sloppy drunk super fast, so I didn't think alone time with him would cheer me anymore than the no-fun party.

We left early, and now I'm back in my bed, brain flooded with snippets of my conversation with the boy, trying to sleep so I can get away from it for a while.

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