Tuesday, October 25, 2005



Well, my friends had their party at the bar last night. When I was on my way there, I got a call from the boy. And I told him his email hurt my feelings, and I didn't think it was very nice. He said it wasn't meant to be nice, that it was meant to be "stern." Is he my fucking dad? I mean, what the fuck. He doesn't get to give me life lessons on how to be. He can accept me or not accept me, but this shit...
And he called me on the fact that I probably already knew who the girl was from the start, which is true. He told me that he wanted me to learn my lesson, and realize that I had no right to expect other people to treat me well when I'm such a horrible disrespectful person. And then he said that I had no right to be mad at him for it. I disagreed. So he said fine, and he would see me later.
Cut to an hour later at the party, where he is trying to be all friendly and normal. I just don't do that. I don't downshift like that. So, all night, I rejected his attempts to talk to me, and instead hung out with other people. And I was okay about it. Which I'm proud of. The flipside to that is that he didn't seem all that broken up about it either, which was okay at the time, but is driving me fucking psychotic today.
My energy to be strong and independent now completely gone, I called him on my lunch break today. He didn't answer. And he never called back. So now I feel totally hysterical. I want to cry about every thing in the world, whether or not it relates to him, because it all does somehow, right? And I know that is not true, but it is how I feel right now. And it is not a very nice feeling.

Hi. i've been reading your blog for awhile. It makes me think of this song I remember hearing -- this is the song and these are the lyrics -- i wanted to share it with you.

by: Heather Headley

I'm home alone again
And you're out, hanging with your friends
So you say, but I know it's not quite that way
It's getting pretty late
And you haven't checked on me all day
When I called, you didn't answer
Now I'm feeling like you're ignoring me

I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms
And I wish I could go back
To the days before we met and skip my regret

I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
It just ain't fair the way you treat me
No you don't deserve me
Wasted my time thinking about you
And you ain't never gonna change
I wish I wasn't in love with you
So I wouldn't feel this way

When you touch me, my heart melts
And everything you did wrong, I forget
So you play me and take advantage
Of the love that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you, that's why I'm so mad
Now I'm drowning in disappointment
And it's hard for me to even look at you


Said you care about me but from what I see
I ain't feeling that so I disagree
Gave you all my love and understanding
And you treated me like your enemy
So leave me alone, don't want nothing from you
Just go back where you came from
This house is no longer your home
You cannot never come no more


I hear you knocking at my door again
I'm wondering, should I let you in
I open up the door and see the flowers for me
So beautiful in your hands
You start begging me to take you back
I've always been a sucker for romance
And before you know it, I can see
You're all over me, oh no here I go again

I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
Yes, I can relate.
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