Sunday, October 09, 2005



I've thought this for quite some time, but over the past few days, my belief that love is bad has really been cemented. I mean, in a perfect fairytale world, love and romance should be things that make people better. And in real life, it just seems to me that it's totally the opposite.

Grandpa has always been a standup, loyal guy. Then he gets a girlfriend. Great. Fine. Soon enough, he's got another girl he's into. And instead of doing the right, but still painful thing, and telling girlfriend #1 straight up that he's into someone else, he strings her along for about six months until he's ready to make girl #2 his official girlfriend. So he's now lied to her, cheated on her, AND rejected her. I can't see him ever treating anyone so badly in any other circumstance, but it's like romantic entanglements give people these excuses if not real justifications for doing really nasty things to each other.

I saw my ex today. He was telling me about sleeping with his best friend's former girlfriend. I knew he had done that, but he told me about how his friend had come to visit recently, and had asked Carl to promise that he'd never sleep with her no matter what. And even though he already had, Carl looked him in the eye and promised he wouldn't. I mean, Carl's a good guy, someone I've known for 15 years and has always been one of the best people in the world. I would never think he could betray and lie to a friend, but there it is.

And while I'm at it, the reason Carl is my EX is partly because I cheated on him. And he was my boyfriend, my good friend for over a decade. I don't usually have a problem with loyalty. With friends, I'm devoted forever. But, this fucking love/sex/romance bullshit messes everything up. It brings out the worst in everyone. It makes you neglect or betray your friends, lie more, break more promises... I just don't get it, why everyone wants it so bad. It doesn't make sense.

But, I think about the boy, and all my anti-love beliefs get turned upside down. I don't know what to want. I guess I mostly just want to not to want anyone so bad that it makes me turn into someone I don't want to be. And I'm not doing so great at that.

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