Thursday, September 15, 2005



I think I want to start smoking again. I'm not craving nicotine at all. I just miss the cigarettes. They added structure to my life, and filled many minutes a day that are not just left unused.
Things I miss about cigarettes:
1. The way they helped me procrastinate - A phone call I didn't want to make, a paper I didn't want to write. Well, I'd start that right after I had just one more cigarette.
2. The way they helped me feel rebellious - Anyone who knows me knows I have a sickening inability to break the rules. Cigarettes are totally bad for you, and unhealthy, tsk tsk... and I smoked 'em anyway. Such a badass. Sometimes, even though smoking in the apartment isn't allowed, when my roommate wasn't home, I would anyway, just because I felt like it. I was like a total smoking vixen.
3. The way they helped me express my feelings - I suck at saying how I feel. I have the hardest time getting the words out. Like "I'm angry at you" or "You made me sad", it gives me waves of dizziness just trying to force the damned things out out out of my resistant little mouth. You know what means the same thing as either of those statements (and about a thousand other hard-to-say things)? "I need a cigarette." Delivered in the right tone of voice, it can express all the resentment, hurt, or resignedness you need it to. And it gives you an excuse to storm away, if you are currently in a non-smoking area.
4. The way they gave me alone time with the boy I'm in love with - but he doesn't smoke anymore either, so I guess this one doesn't count. I feel like we got along better when we did, though that may just be me being insane.
5. The way they defined my lunch break - I don't really like to eat during the day, so I'd just sit in my car and smoke for an hour (I've been quit for months and the damned thing still reeks like smoke). Now, I find myself with nothing to do during lunchtime and almost wanting to just go back to the office early and that is just NOT RIGHT. I shouldn't spend a single minute of my day in that place voluntarily (i.e. unpaid).
6. The way they kept me entertained when I was bored - Sometimes there's just nothing to do. In those times, there was always still cigarettes to be smoked. Now, when I get that bored, I usually just eat food. I don't even like eating food all that much. It's just not that same.

So yeah, that's it. My reasons why I want cigarettes back in my life. I don't know if they are good enough to further damage my lungs, waste my money, and re-smelly up my car, but there it is.

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