Saturday, September 24, 2005

 

maybe

I think maybe I don't show much of the good stuff about the boy I'm in love with here. And it's true that most of the time, we fight a lot. But I didn't just randomly select him as the boy I was going to be infatuated with. There are reasons I feel about him the way that I do.

When I first met him, three years ago, I think I was the only one of my female friends not to have a crush on him. He was nice enough and all, but I got the impression that he thought of himself as just a bit too cool and a bit too smart for us mere mortals, and that he wouldn't be a very good friend. And I was pretty much right about the first half, but he really proved me wrong on the second.

It took a long time before we were close friends, and somehow he eventually became like my best friend in a lot of ways. It totally surprised me at that time. And it just sort of grew, to us talking more or more, to wanting him to be the first person I talked to whenever something big happened, to just him being my favorite person in the world. But I guess it was when I started to feel more for him that things started to go bad. The fact that it surprised me that we are such good friends, became my doubting that he wants to be close to me. And so I get jealous and suspicious and possessive, but it's mostly because I'm scared of losing him. (I know, I know... I don't really have him for the losing.)

And there are good things that I'm scared of losing. He knows me, maybe better than anyone. He even knows when I'm pulling shit, and will call me on it. When I was really down about other things that were going on in my life a while ago, he would talk to me every day, for hours a day, even when I was a screaming crying wreck, because he knew that was what I needed. He can be just about the sweetest person in the world. And he's not the best person in some fundamental people-skills ways, but the thing is, I know what his shortcomings are, and I know I can deal with him. And I love him anyway.

The great thing, I guess, about our relationship has just been that we totally get each other. It's just that that ends up being kind of the terrible thing now, because what I get and he gets, is that we don't want the same things. So knowing what the other person means or what they're thinking or feeling, is knowing that it doesn't match up. So, we both act like we don't see it. And he lies about what he's doing. And I try to act like the things that bother me don't. But most of the time, neither of those things really work, and we fight all the time. Because EACH OF US want the other to care about us in a different way than they do.

And yeah, it makes me really really sad. But not in the same total devastation way that losing him altogether would, I guess. So, I take it. And I just keep surprising myself with how hard and long I'm willing to hold on. But... the alternative... I can't even think about, really.

Wow. I'm getting all kinds of emotional. I think I better give this up for now. I don't know if this is a better explanation. I just thought I would try.

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