Saturday, September 24, 2005

 

context

"I'm trying to be open and honest with you. I'm sick of not doing that."

The words, in themselves, don't even sound so bad. Even in the situation that we were in at the moment, arguing about what to do after we got home from the movies last night, they're fairly innocuous. But I know us, and who we are, and what we do. If he ever called me out on how I feel about him, and how he doesn't feel about me, it'd all be over. Open and honest means over. So when he said this to me last night, I felt like I was going to faint. This cold numbness spread all over me and everything went black for a second. That's how I know I'm not ready for the end. By the time I gathered myself and got ready for impact, his desire to bust our friendship wide open had apparently passed and he backed off. And the rest of the night was okay. These moments, though, these little moments, they stick in my mind, because I know one of these days it's really going to happen. And I won't be ready. No matter how many times I tell myself it is inevitable or try to brace myself.

And I know where it came from, too. Before the movie started, there was an ad on the screen for Hotel Rwanda. He made some comment about how he had seen it recently, and it was so sad, he felt depressed for ten minutes. And I fell right into the trap, making some snide little comment about how impressive it was that he could show an emotion for ten whole minutes. And in retrospect, I'm pretty sure that was just what he wanted, so that he could add, "Well, there was someone in my bed with me." He kept talking after that, but I couldn't really hear for the next few minutes, so that while i attempted to act like I wasn't spiralling out of control, at the very least, he knew I wasn't paying attention. So, he got up to get a drink, and I managed to get my shit together enough to not turn and puke on him. But apparently he noticed.

So, today, which I need to be a very productive day, all I want to do is cry. And re-live the split second when I thought it was going to be over right now. I get that it's going to be over, sooner or later, that he's going to actually squash my dreams and cut me out, almost undoubtedly for what he will say is my own good. Is it so weird that I want to postpone that as long as possible, though?

How many people really want things that can be described with the words, "it's for your own good"? Not that very many, I think. You can't get to retrospect and reasonable until it's all said and done, and I'm not there yet.

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