Tuesday, August 30, 2005

 

alone

I've always felt like I'm a person who is especially good at being on my own. While so many of my friends find themselves in a panic whenever they're single, I barely ever date, and pretty much never have boyfriends. And while I freely admit that this is not 100% by choice, it is due in large part to choices that I make that I could change, but don't, because I'm fine the way that I am. I guess I always thought that this, while partially just stubbornness, also indicated a kind of self-sufficience that I've found lacking in so many people. And there's not much I feel like I'm better at than most, but I thought I could safely put "being alone" on the list. But then, the other night, I was talking to a friend about what I want, or more specifically what I think it would take to make me happy. And he pointed out that everything I was saying was dependent on other people accepting me, loving me, thinking highly of me. Then he tossed out that old cliche about how you can never make anyone else happy until you are happy with yourself. I've been thinking about what he said (not the cliche part so much, but the first part) and I realize that he could be right. That I'm just as dependent on other people for my happiness as all my friends that I thought I was doing so much better than. But, I'm maybe even worse off, because most of the time, I don't want the people I care about to know how dependent on them I am. So, I'm somehow managing simultaneously to keep myself as isolated as I can and still being needy as all hell. No wonder I drive people fucking nuts sometimes.

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