Tuesday, August 01, 2006

 

still

My boss is away, and I am finding it completely impossible to get any work done. It sounds like dream vacation time, sort of, except all these damned people around the office keep bugging me. I feel like they would frown upon watching me slack off for three days, even though it is exactly what they're doing. It's one of those sucky things about being the responsible management type. I'm just not cut out for crap like this.

My own vacation starts in just two days, though, so I've just got to hold out for that, I guess.

I was bad and went on to the boy's myspace, which should be like major no-no, but happily he put up a new picture that makes him look like total crap, so it was probably a positive step for me... in a way, since I could look at it and say "yuck". Or maybe I'm just rationalizing. Whatever.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

 

twist

Everything I said about ex-boyfriend in the last post is true. We're over. I'm fine that we're over. We're not even friends anymore, and while saying I'm fine with that might be an exaggeration, I accept it and know that it is how it has to be.

Why, then, does the fact that he's in love with someone else now make me feel like my stomach just dropped out of my body?

Am I just bitter that he found someone first? Do I really truly want him to not be happy? These thoughts make me feel like a terrible person. I think really, though, I just want him to miss me. I just want someone to miss me. Since I spend all this time missing people, who don't seem to give a thought to me at all. Which is dumb, because their way is so much smarter and happier than mine. I should be emulating them. Instead, the fact that they aren't like me makes me that much sadder.

So dumb.

Incidentally, and this part is just a bitter rant - the girl he is with is the girl he dumped me for who then dumped him. She apparently changed her mind and wanted him back, and now they are more together than they ever were before. How and why does that happen? And why does it never happen to me?

Sunday, July 23, 2006

 

time

It's definitely been a long time since I've written here. I think it is mostly because I have actually continued to keep my life free of the boy. No phone calls, no emails, haven't run into each other when we were out with friends even one time. And I worry that if I blog, I'll write about him; and if I write about him, I'll think about him; and if I think about him, I'll do something colossally stupid and call him or something.

Which is dumb, because I'm doing fine. I still miss him, but I can't even remember my last monster crying attack, which is really impressive.

On the topic of boys, I did talk to ex-boyfriend a few times over the last few weeks, and all it did was prove that whatever was there between us is gone. And I don't just mean the attraction thing. We were good friends for so long. And we've even dated before and that survived. But now, maybe the break-up was bad enough, or maybe we've just changed so much, that the connection, the understanding between us is totally gone. I guess that causes me some measure of relief and some measure of sadness at the same time.

Other than that, life here in L.A. has mostly consisted of trying not to melt. I got home at 2 a.m. last night, and my air-conditioningless apartment was still a balmy 95 degrees. This heat wave shit has got to end.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

 

hot

Stuck in my sweatbox apartment in the middle of yet another nauseating heat wave in Los Angeles. I've been so overheated for so long, that I have a pretty much constant headache. I'm guessing it is from dehydration, but it feels like a permanent hangover even though I haven't been drinking.

I don't even remember anymore how long it has been since I've talked to the boy. I could probably figure it out if I really sat down and tried to, but I don't want to let it take over my brain like that. I guess that's probably a good thing, maybe. Getting used to not having the things I don't have. Sort of, anyway.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

 

bleak

The mood at work is extra-grim today. Everyone is all sitting quietly at their desks with pained looks on their faces. This place is depressing enough normally. It's reaching new heights today. At this point, every day that the company stays in business is like an effing miracle.

Life's been pretty boring. I've moreorless put my pieces back into place after my little mini-breakdown at the end of last week. Until they all get scattered by some teeny little thing again, I'm sure. But for the moment, I'm keeping myself together.

I've been listening to my new Gogol Bordello CD damned near constantly and feel like the frenetic nature of the music, which hovers in that intersection angry and manically happy, really suits where I am at these days. Maybe when my job finally collapses, I can go find them on their European tour and become like a roadie or something. I don't know how much gypsy punk I really have in me, but you never know until you try.

Friday, June 23, 2006

 

gone

I finally just up and deleted my myspace account. Remove temptation, as much as I can, you know? You have to go through all these "are you sure??? are you REALLY REALLY sure???" type of steps, but I just had to do it. I don't want to care about anyone who doesn't care about me anymore. And it's such a hard thing to force... I don't even really know how to do it but I have to try.
Because today is another day where I'm crying at work at my desk because of stupid shit that people who clearly don't care much about me, if at all, are doing. And I have to at least try to find a way to break away from that. I'm just completely melting down. Maybe in an hour or a day, I'll regret doing it. Probably so. I've got to do something, though. I've got to try to make something happen, make myself turn some kind of corner with this shit. Because I've been treading water, and making no progress at all for way too long, and I just can't keep doing that.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

 

scatter

Too many of my friends are away right now. I guess it is actually only a couple, but they're like my top people. It's not even like I want to talk to them about the boy, because whatever, I get the point - as much of myself as I give him is as much as he'll punch up and leave all bruised and yucky. I'm giving smaller and smaller sections anyway. And... it's progress, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I just miss them. The good stuff. The stuff that distracts me from my less banner moments. Oh well.

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